My three pieces of advice for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)
Last week, I shared that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
Put simply, HSPs are more sensitive to stimuli— both internal (feelings, thoughts) and external (noises, light, other people’s feelings). If you’d like a much more thorough discussion of the temperament, check out my essay from last week.
Learning more about the temperament helped me immensely — it helped me both manage challenges that arose from having it and also played to my strengths as an HSP. It turns out that many of my clients are actually also HSPs, and what I learned was often helpful for them, too.
So, today I wanted to share three pieces of advice I often give to Highly Sensitive People.
1. You may feel weird.
Being a Highly Sensitive Person means, definitionally, that most people are not like you. Dr. Aron’s research suggests that ~20% of the population are HSPs. That means, of course, that 80% of the population is not highly sensitive.
Have you ever felt “weird” because, for example, you felt sensitive to internal or external stimuli? Or because you seemed to get tired more easily than others? That would make sense — it’s likely that ~80% of the people around you simply don’t feel sensitive in this way.
Many HSPs grow up with painful internal stories about themselves. They beat themselves up for being “too sensitive.” Or they try to hide, ignore, or suppress that sensitivity. In the era of easily available food and technology, this is relatively easy to do.
But it’s important to name: there is nothing wrong with you.
Having Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) — the core trait of HSPs — is simply a personality trait or a temperament. It is neutral. It is not a disorder (there is something called “Sensory Processing Disorder;” but that’s different.)
But, I hope it brings you comfort to know: about 20% of people are like you! They are also Highly Sensitive! Though, many HSPs learn to survive in the world by hiding (or ignoring, as mentioned above) their sensitivity, so the full 20% can sometimes be hard to find.
But once you start looking for them, you can usually find them. If nothing else: you know me!
2. There are strengths associated with being an HSP!
I’m going to say it again: There are strengths associated with being an HSP!
I emphasize this because I think many HSPs — me included — spend most of our lives bemoaning their weaknesses. Even if you’d never heard of an “HSP” before you read this post, you were likely acutely aware of your “weaknesses” :
You seemed to get tired more easily than other people
You were emotionally more sensitive
You were more sensitive to stimuli like light or sound.
All of that can be frustrating to others — and ourselves. Why can’t I just have more energy? Why can’t I just stop being so sensitive?
And yet: there are huge strengths associated with being an HSP. In my personal life, here’s a few ways in which I think my sensitivity is a strength:
It makes me a better coach.
I pick up on extremely subtle input from my clients — a single word that they’ve chosen, or a subtle facial expression or body movement.
It allowed me to grow as a person.
I’ve experienced enormous personal growth in my adult life — and have changed so much about how I engage in relationships, work, my environments — and, of course, how I eat. I am capable of deeply investigating myself — pulling apart all kinds of subtle feelings, thoughts, and sensations.
It makes me a better partner and friend.
I can pick up on very subtle signals from my husband, or friends. Sometimes I have to put this information to the side + not inquire about it because it’s not my place to mention! But it often allows for deeper intimacy, communication, and trust.
It makes me a smarter person.
If you are processing information more deeply in your brain — a core trait of HSPs — you will likely understand it better, and be more capable of making new connections or insights. As I mentioned last week, Aron says that many researchers on giftedness say that there can be a strong correlation between intellectual giftedness and HSPs. I have plenty of insecurities (plenty!!), but not being smart isn’t one of them. And I do think that my sensitivity is linked to this.
I don’t share these strengths to brag. I share these strengths because, for years, I bemoaned the challenges that were associated with being an HSP (I get tired so easily! I am so freaking sensitive to myself! And the outside world!!).
And yet: this list includes some of the things I like best about myself and some of the things I am most proud of in the world. I don’t think I would be as good at what I do, or that my relationships would be as deep if I wasn’t an HSP.
So, I will say it again: being an HSP is simply a temperament. There are both strengths and challenges associated with the trait. BOTH.
3. HSPs may need to take themselves more seriously.
The research strongly suggests that as children, HSPs are more affected by their environment than non-HSPs.
In a negative environment (physically or emotionally unstable), HSPs do worse than non-HSPs on metrics from health to happiness to academic achievement. But, in a positive environment (physically and emotionally stable), they do better on all of those same metrics.
Did you catch that? In a positive environment, HSPs do better than non-HSPs.
In my own life, and in working with my 1:1 life coaching clients, I find this to also be extremely true for adults. In a very challenging environment (anything from long hours at work to a home situation that doesn’t work for them), HSPs can really struggle — perhaps more than non-HSPs would. This can be very frustrating and discouraging for them. (It was for me!)
But in a good environment, with the right support? HSPs freaking THRIVE.
I think this means that HSPs — once they are adults and have control over their environment, support, and opportunities — need to take themselves more seriously. Many of us have thoughts like, “oh, I should be able to handle this challenging situation,” or “I don’t need help; I should be able to figure it out on my own.”
But let’s review: HSPs are more negatively impacted by negative environments. And often do better when they are in a positive environment, with good support.
So yes, you could push through. You will survive. But: if something is in your control (a job, a place to live, or the decision to get support or not) — it’s worth asking: why are you making things harder on yourself?
And: Is choosing to make things harder really serving you?
…
Oh, and one more thing? And if you’re reading this essay, there’s a decent chance you’re an HSP.
Dr. Aron, a therapist herself, says that HSPs are 20% of the population, but 50% of all therapy clients. This is partially because — as I mentioned above — HSPs can be more sensitive to their environment and need more support. But also, HSPs tend to value depth, so they enjoy therapy and personal development.
I think that this also makes them more likely to read essays on topics about meaning + satisfaction :)
So I’ll remind you, one last time:
If you are highly sensitive, there’s nothing wrong with you.
It’s simply a personality temperament — and about 20% of the population has it.
There will be challenges associated with that temperament, and also unique strengths.
So the key question is: how will you play to your strengths, and manage your challenges?
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
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