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The altruistic case for work-life balance
Today I want to tell you about an extraordinarily successful guy I know. Very high up in his company, and he seems to keep climbing every time I talk to him.
But my favorite thing about him? He profoundly values work-life balance.
He lives by the beach, and wants to be surfing, paddle-boarding, and playing tennis. And even more importantly, wants to spend time with his family: he eats breakfast and dinner with his wife and three young kids, and spends all weekend boogie boarding and biking around town with them.
This is not the norm at his organization. He has had many managers who worked enormous numbers of hours, who did not have time to spend with their families — and whose health and personal relationships seriously suffered, as a result.
He decided he didn’t want to make that sacrifice. So he didn’t.
(This is not to say it was always easy or that he doesn’t work hard when he is working — it wasn’t always, and he does.)
Something I absolutely love about his story, is how his choices have helped the people around him.
Several of his direct reports told him that watching him gave them more ambition.
“Before I worked for you, I wasn’t sure of how much I wanted to advance in my career,” one direct report — a mom herself — told him. “It seemed impossible to enjoy my life, enjoy my family, and keep advancing at work. But watching you…it showed me that it could be done.”
It showed me that it could be done.
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When I talk to my clients about cultivating more work-life balance (which for many exhausted folks often involves working fewer hours) — it can often feel wildly selfish.
It can feel extra hard – and extra selfish — if many people at your organization don’t seem to have good work-life balance.
But what if cultivating work-life balance was actually the least selfish thing you could do?
What if it was a profoundly altruistic move — a gift — to be a role model to others?
What if they might say to you later: “Thank you, *thank you* for showing me it could be done.”
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If you won’t cultivate work-life balance for yourself, or your family, or your friends…
… at least do it for your colleagues, as an act of service.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. I coach clients on all kinds of relationship issues — with their families, their partners, their friends, their online dating profiles — and on everything from difficult conversations to people pleasing to loneliness to fostering deeper connection to setting effective boundaries (which often function differently than we assume). If you’d like to work with me, you can learn more here.
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Stop polling the crowd
A hot take here for you:
Please stop polling the crowd.
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“Polling the crowd” means that, when faced with an important decision (or even an only slightly important decision) — you look outward for answers.
Over lunch, you ask three colleagues what they would do.
On a Tuesday, you talk to your mom, your best friend from college, and the two dads you are standing next to at school pick-up.
At 3:07 am, you consult ChatGPT on the best strategies to solve your problem.
Obviously, there is wisdom to be gained, from asking for other perspectives.
But just this week, I have witnessed two different clients who came to our sessions turned around, less confident, and more anxious, around some decisions they needed to make. Even worse, they’d developed beliefs like: “I don’t even know what I want” and “I’m bad at making decisions.”
I asked them a few questions and it quickly became clear: they’ve been polling the crowd.
…
Once I realized this, I asked them, “How much time have you been spending polling others — versus how much time have you been spending polling yourself?”
In both cases, they kind of squinted their eyes at me.
Polling yourself? Can you, uh, please explain?
So I said: “Polling yourself just means connecting with yourself, in a quiet, undistracted moment. Instead of asking ChatGPT what you should do — you sit down with a cup of tea and journal about what is true for you.”
It turns out they had not done this. Even though they’d spent quite a bit of time consulting their moms, fiancés, colleagues, and favorite AI algorithms.
I don’t share this story to put my clients down! I know I’ve gotten so lost in the flow of life that I’ve also been seduced by the idea of polling others. I bet you have, too.
This is simply a reminder:
Polling others works best, when you want a crowd-sourced, widely-palatable option. This may make sense, if you are selling Prego Pasta Sauce, or putting together talking points for a politician who wants 53% of the vote.
But most of us don’t want a crowd-sourced, widely-palatable career or relationship or plan for our days. We want an option that is uniquely right for our eccentric, quirky, spikey selves. Not that other’s techniques won’t work for us — but they typically work best when we are already deeply grounded in our desires, needs, and ideas.
And: most of us, most of the time, already know what we want + need to do. We just need a little bit of quiet to hear it.
So I’ll suggest it again:
Stop polling the crowd so much. Start polling yourself more.
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As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Here's what one of my past clients — the lovely Celia — said about working with me: “We ended up working together for almost a year, and it was truly life-changing. In a very short time, Katie was able to truly see me, probably better than anyone ever has, and more importantly she helped me be able to see myself - which I realized I had never actually done before. She really has a knack for reading the moment and knowing what is needed in that moment, while also knowing how that moment relates to the bigger picture.
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On porousness
An observation: our own porousness is often what makes life hard.
We don’t want to talk to our mom about our plan to move to Vancouver, because we are porous — when she expresses serious concerns about our plans, we soak those concerns up like a sponge.
We don’t want to deliver bad news to our direct report because we are porous — when they are devastated or angry, we soak that devastation or anger up, too.
And once we’ve soaked up all of those opinions and emotions? What happens to the sponge?
We are anxious, overwhelmed, or confused, too.
Several of my clients have gotten an astonishing amount of value out of simply:
Naming what’s happening. They are being porous. They are soaking up other people’s opinions + feelings like sponges.
Setting an intention to be less porous, in certain conversations. Thinking to themselves, before they talk to their dad or their manager: “My goal is to have more solid armor, in this conversation.”
(That’s all! Just explicitly setting the intention before the conversation can make a difference.)Optional, for bonus points: creating an “armoring ritual” before important armoring conversations.
One client bought a special object — that reminded her of strength + armor — and she’d look at it before conversations when she needed to “armor up.” You might also do some kind of physical movement or little sound (like pressing a button, or imaging a physical armor engaging…. as if you’re a superhero.)
(A little cheesy? Maybe, but it does totally work.)
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Our porousness can seem inevitable, like gravity.
And yet: simply noticing + setting an intention to be different, can have a remarkable impact on your ability to stop internalizing others’ feelings or opinions.
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As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If this resonated, here’s another way of talking about a similar idea.
If you’d like to be more comfortable with people not liking you all the time, while also having more authentic, deeper romantic relationships and friendships (and not feeling like your chest is tight from low-level anxiety/exhaustion all the time), you should definitely hire me as your life coach.
To learn more about my work, click here.
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Magic Laptop
When a client comes to me exhausted + overwhelmed at work, I like to play a little game:
“Imagine that you have a magic laptop,” I tell them. “It turns on at 9 am, and it turns off, promptly, at 4 pm. It also turns off for an hour in the middle for lunch — so, a 6-hour workday, total.”
(I try to make them imagine a working day that’s ~2 hours less than they are currently working, so I adjust the times based on the client.)
“No working on your cell phone at night, no exceptions. You can only work when the Magic Laptop lets you work. What would you do, to make sure you still did excellent work?”
And they look a little flustered for a moment, and then they immediately start brainstorming:
I’d do W and X project, but Y and Z would have to get de-prioritized.
I’d delegate G to my colleague.
I’d do much less email, and save most of it until they end of the day.
I’d say “no” to A and B.
And once they’ve told me everything, I give them a big smile:
“Well, it sounds like you know what you need to do.”
…
On one hand, it’s not so simple: There are always difficult workplace cultures, constraints, and exceptions.
On the other hand: it is not so complex. Most of my clients, if they genuinely desire it, can cut a significant number of hours, without sacrificing quality.
(That last part is important. They don’t end up sacrificing quality because they are typically sharper when they prioritize better, focus more intensely when they are working, and have more time to recover.)
And the craziest part is: they know how to do it. When I present them with the limitations of the Magical Laptop, they get creative, fast.
So today, I will ask: What would you do, if tomorrow your computer was a Magic Laptop?
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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. It’s important to acknowledge: the Magic Laptop game typically applies best to salaried or project-based roles, not hourly ones. But I think we all benefit when we think about being the most effective we can, with a limited amount of time.
p.p.s. I specialize in working with people who are already pretty “together” in their lives — paying their bills, meeting their commitments. But just because your life looks pretty good on paper, doesn’t necessarily mean that it feels right to you, from the inside out.
If you're interested, learn more here.
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A clarity diet
In July, I put one of my clients on a Clarity Diet.
He had some big, important decisions to make (the future of his career, location, and some risks he was considering taking) — and he kept getting lost in the swirl of “I don’t know.”
We’d talked about it from a bunch of angles, I’d offered him a bunch of tools, and still… the swirl.
I felt like the answer was in him — but he just needed to access it more continuously.
So I put him on a Clarity Diet.
The core ingredient of his Clarity Diet was solitude.
My favorite definition of solitude is a “state of mind, in which the mind, isolated from input from other minds, works through a problem on its own.”
(That’s from Raymond Kethledge and Michael Erwin; more on that here.)
For the month of July, I invited him to cultivate more solitude, whenever possible. The goal was a chunk of solitude every day, but we both knew that probably wouldn’t happen. He had a corporate job, a partner, hobbies — a full life.
So instead, he focused on finding more pockets of time: a half-hour here, an hour there, an occasional longer chunk of time.
This client didn’t like journaling that much, so we didn’t expect him to do much of it. He might jot down some ideas during his solitude sometimes, to remember them. But journaling wasn’t at the core of his Clarity Diet — solitude was.
…
My favorite part of this story isn’t that it worked.
Though it did: By the end of July, he did get some significant, much-desired clarity about his next steps.
My favorite part of this story is that it worked, despite the fact that he had a bunch of life happening at the time. He was going through his busiest period at work in years. A beloved family member died.
And still, he found pockets of solitude.
A walk in solitude. A chance to sit on a park bench in solitude. One extended train ride, a few hours with a notebook and solitude. (That train ride was very productive for him).
…
I have been thinking about this concept of a Clarity Diet ever since. So many of us are craving clarity, and this was such a useful way, a practical way, to find some.
Would you go on a Clarity Diet?
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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Would you like to hire me to be your life coach? Curious about what life coaching is and how it might be helpful to you? Learn more here.
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The “Hours Lever” (and some alternatives)
Many of us, when faced with work that is particularly intense or challenging, “pull the Hours Lever”.
“Pulling the Hours Lever” means that we employ the strategy of working more hours. But I like to imagine it like your brain is an old-fashioned machine room, and you’re “pulling” a literal lever.
A big re-org? Pull the Hours Lever – time for some late nights.
Three big projects to get done by end of month, and two of your direct reports are out on leave? Pull the Hours Lever – time to work weekends.
This strategy is so obvious that you might not even consider it a “strategy.” I mean, that’s what you do when work gets hard, right? It’s just the only option.
But I call it the “Hours Lever” because, well, it’s not the only option.
I call it the “Hours Lever” because, well, there are other levers you can pull.
My favorite one: the “Cognitive Sharpness Lever.”
The Cognitive Sharpness Lever goes something like this:
A big re-org? Pull the Cognitive Sharpness Lever – time to make sure you’re making the smartest possible decisions, on the most important things — and not thinking about anything else.
Three big projects to get done by end of month, and two of your direct reports are out on leave? Pull the Cognitive Sharpness Lever – time to prioritize ruthlessly, make sure each member of your team is working effectively, and use your expertise at the absolute top level.
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Your brain might be thinking: okay, fine, Cognitive Sharpness Lever sounds good. I’ll just combine that with the Hours Lever.
But here’s the thing: typically, you can’t.
When your brain is tired, it’s typically unable to access maximum cognitive sharpness. In other words, if you’ve already “pulled” the Hours Lever, you may not have access to the Cognitive Sharpness Lever.
In fact, you may need to work fewer hours than you typically do, if you are in a particularly intense or important season at work, in order to even have the option of pulling the Cognitive Sharpness Lever.
Can you imagine? The *blasphemy*!
And yet: two of my clients, in particular, have recently been using the Cognitive Sharpness Lever in exactly this way:
My first client was working through a big layoff and re-org at her company. She was making a lot of important, high-stakes decisions— and responsible for much of the communication + rollout. She ended up reducing her working hours from her average, and prioritizing rest when she’s not working, so she could be maximally sharp for her most important strategic decision-making + action.
My second client manages a large team at a big tech company — and her team was totally inundated with very high profile challenges. Typically, my client would work basically round-the-clock in times like this (e.g., constantly pulling the Hours Lever.) And yet, we’ve been working for her to keep her working hours as close as possible to her “standard” — while increasing opportunities for cognitive sharpness.
How do my clients pull that off?
First: They change their perspective. They open up to the idea that constantly pulling the hours lever might make them unable to pull the Cognitive Sharpness Lever — and that this might make them less effective overall.
And then second: They start to make actual, concrete changes. This typically involves ruthless prioritization, and then step-by-step tweaking of how they spend many parts of their days (are they in email too much? Too many meetings? What time of day is best for their sharpest thinking? Etc.). That second client, in particular, is now radically re-modeling how she spends her workdays.
I will say that it’s often quite helpful to have a thought partner of a coach, as they do this.
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But if you remember nothing else, please remember this:
The “Hours Lever” is not the only lever you can pull.
But, if you’ve already “pulled” the Hours Lever, you may not have access to the Cognitive Sharpness Lever.
Take care, everyone. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. The most successful people in the world have coaches — from CEOs to Olympic athletes. Which makes sense; successful people get that way by being open to discovering blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things.
Why not you?
If you'd like to work with me 1:1 — learn more here.
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Your 90th percentile self
A lil’ reminder for you today:
It’s a good idea to plan for your Average Self, not your 90th Percentile Self.
Your 90th percentile self is at the 90th Percentile of your capabilities. She’s operating on all cylinders! She’s killing it! But she’s only there 10% of the time.
And assuming that she will be there every day leads you to be less effective, not more.
If you’re planning for your 90th Percentile Self every day (when he’s only really there 10% of the time) — you will be prioritizing differently than if you assumed your Average Self was going to show up.
And when your Average Self does show up + gets less done, more slowly + distractedly (because, well, that’s what happens) — he may not be getting the right things done with that limited time.
This leads to chronic stress and frustration and that common refrain: “I need more time!” Sure, more time is always appreciated, but the more immediate issue is you aren’t getting the most important things done in the time you do have.
And, oh: You’ll probably be disappointed with your day (and perhaps yourself) 90% of the time.
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So shall we say it again? It’s typically a good idea to plan for your average-self, not your 90th percentile self.
We know this — but all of us (me included) need this reminder sometimes.
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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Want to work with me? I have three openings for new 1:1 clients in November. My 1:1 clients have a very special place in my heart — learn more here.
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Two reminders about decision-making
Some time ago, I got an email from a recent college grad.
She was deciding between a prestigious yet challenging job in consulting (which she wasn’t that passionate about), or turning down the position to find something that would be more fulfilling + have better work-life balance.
Given my background, she wondered if I had ideas for her.
I offered her a few ideas then – and have thought about her since, as many of my 1:1 clients encounter similarly difficult decisions.
So I thought I’d share two reminders about decision-making that are relevant to her — and perhaps also to you:
No matter what decision you make, you will likely be dissatisfied.
We all want to believe that if only we can get “clear” – we’ll see that sparkly, “hell-yes” option right in front of us. But in fact, we are often choosing between two (or more) options with serious downsides.
For this recent grad: The consulting job was exhausting + not-that-fulfilling. But turning it down was a serious loss of income, prestige…and what, exactly, was she going to do instead? Would it actually be better?
This reality also applies, even if you are deciding between two choices you like - two “yeses.” I have a 1:1 client right now, who is deciding between a bunch of future career choices – many of which he quite likes! And yet, he may also be dissatisfied, once he finally choses one.
(This is counter-intuitive! We often assume that if we have two or more great choices, we should be happy either way. While that does sometimes happen, at other times, we are still dissatisfied either way, because we know we’re giving up at least one – and sometimes several — wonderful opportunities, by choosing just one.)You’re gonna have to “sift.”
The right decision may never be significantly more “right” than the others.
It may be more about “sifting” through things with similar levels of rightness… until you find the one that is just subtly, very slightly, better.
In other words: if Option A is 40% right, Option B is 40.5% right, and Option C is 41% right… man, that’s a hard decision. You’re going to have to sift very, very carefully.
I have a client who is doing this, right now, as he makes a very challenging decision about his career next steps + starting a business. (And in order to do that “sifting through” work, he’s doing a ton of this.)
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I hope that these reminders bring you strength and encouragement. I think that sometimes we face tricky decisions and berate ourselves for our lack of clarity.
But sometimes, we assume “clarity” means one, obvious “hell yes”… that doesn’t actually exist here.
(But, of course, there are a lot of things that can help with the clarity process with imperfect choices – I’d highly recommend hiring me, if that’s a journey you’re on right now.)
And as always, I’m rooting for you — as you “sift” to find your most right decisions.
Katie
p.s. This is a nice time of year to start coaching — what a gift to yourself, to use the back-to-school energy to re-connect to yourself and your values. Learn more about working with me here.
p.p.s. And above all: maybe what’s possible for you is more than you dare to hope for.
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A personal story and bad mental habits
In the past six months, I’ve been feeling better than I’ve felt in, honestly, a few years.
It’s been a tough few years for me and my family (a peek into that here and here) — and man, it feels good to say to friends when they ask how I’m doing, “Actually, I’m doing pretty great!”
But I’ve also been noticing that I have a bad mental habit.
As soon as I get a bit of energy in my bank account, my brain immediately wants to spend it.
My brain thinks: great, you have some energy, let’s spend it on this big work/personal project!
Of course, I get it. While I’ve been operating with a very limited energy budget the past few years, there have been so many projects I’ve been wanting to get to. Everything from dietary changes to strength training to LinkedIn marketing, and much more, are on my potential to-do list.
And yet, when I’ve followed that urge to take on big projects in a dramatic way, I’ve quickly drained myself again. And that’s definitely not what I want to be doing right now. My truest priorities are to:
Enjoy feeling good + not tired, and having a solid cushion of energy in my bank account. This is a luxury I haven’t had in a while.
Keep building up my emergency fund of energy, which has been unfortunately low, the past few years.
Take amazing, gentle care of myself, and continue to prioritize myself, my family, and my 1:1 clients.
A lot of days, I love this plan. But at least a few times a week, that thought will re-arise: great, you have some energy, let’s spend it on this BIG work/personal project!
It’s been helpful for me to remind myself:
Katie, that’s just a bad mental habit you have, which wants to spend energy as soon as you get it. That’s not what we’re doing right now. Right now, we’re enjoying feeling good, and we’re building up our energy nest egg.
Explicitly noticing + naming to myself that I have this bad mental habit has been incredibly useful to me – I’m far more likely to catch myself before I’ve spent four days doing a really hard thing + totally exhausted myself unnecessarily.
And, of course, when I am very protective of my newly more-generous energy budget, I actually feel inspired to take on some new projects at a pace that truly works for me (Q1 included a fun exploration of SEO for my business, and I’m gently dipping my toe into strength training.).
In that obvious yet perpetually surprising way, I go faster when I’m not sprinting, and then needing to recover from exhaustion.
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I wanted to share my story, for two reasons:
“I want to spend this energy as soon as I earn it!” is a bad mental habit that I’ve observed in a lot of people. Do you have it, too?
Do you have another bad mental habit? It’s been really helpful for me to name what it is, so I can notice it (ideally) before I start acting on it.
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Want to feel less busy + exhausted all the time? Struggle with people-pleasing? What to know feel on track to what matters most? 1:1 life coaching can be a game changer for that — and much more.
Learn more here.
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Protein-rich goo
Some time ago, I was doing a walk + talk with Sarah Murphy-Kangas, and I asked her how she was doing.
She answered my question with a question: “Do you know how caterpillars actually become butterflies?”
I did not.
“Everyone knows that when caterpillars become butterflies, they go into a cocoon,” she told me. “But while they are in the cocoon, caterpillars completely liquify, becoming protein-rich goo — before reconstituting themselves into butterflies.”
And then she said:
“You asked me how I am. Right now, I am protein-rich goo.”
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(I am obsessed with this idea of “protein-rich goo.”)
(Obsessed.)
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Sarah, it turns out, knows her science. As Ferris Jabr with Scientific American puts it: “First, the caterpillar digests itself, releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues. If you were to cut open a cocoon or chrysalis at just the right time, caterpillar soup would ooze out”.
But even more importantly, Sarah pointed out such a profound part of the human experience. If we want to become something radically new — there may be a phase when we are molten and soupy, in the meantime.
Once Sarah shared that concept with me, I realized that many conversations with my clients are ultimately conversations about protein-rich goo.
So today, I thought I’d share a few things I often tell these wonderful clients of mine. Maybe they will help you, too.
Here they are:
On fighting the protein-rich goo phase.
You may have to be protein-rich goo, on the way to where you’re going. There may be no route to where you want to be, that doesn’t involve a protein-rich goo, at least for a bit. Putting it off is also putting off your butterfly phase.On what makes being protein-rich goo so hard.
It’s a phase when you don’t have legs, arms, or wings to help yourself– so it can feel overwhelming, and like there’s no way out. You will eventually have all of those things, but you will have to trust, for now, in your ability to grow them – cell-by-cell.It’s not forever.
It may feel like a long time while you are lost in the goo. But if you intend to find a way out, if you keep working to find a way out…you will reconstitute yourself.
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And beyond these specific lessons, I just find the existence of this metaphor so soothing.
If you feel like you happen to be protein rich-goo right now – you are not alone. You have lots of other humans — and former caterpillars — for company.
As always, I’m rooting for you. Take care, everyone.
Katie
p.s. Have some big life projects you want to work on? Perhaps you'd like to work with me 1:1 - learn more here.
The medicine works if you take it
Here’s something I’ve been telling a few clients lately:
The medicine works, if you take it.
Here I’m talking about whatever it is, that helps you feel the way you want to feel:
Less stressed
Happier
Calmer
More energized
More focused
Clearer
Sharper
While many of us could use some new ideas or fresh perspectives, we also typically have at least one idea of something that would help us to feel the way we want to feel.
We’re just… not yet doing it.
And look — I will be the first person to raise my hand and say…there have been many times when I didn’t have the capacity to do the things that would serve me. This essay is 0% intended to make you feel guilty.
But I have also observed that it can be times when it is incredibly empowering to have someone who really, really cares about you look you in the eye and say:
Hey, you don’t *have* to do this thing. Zero pressure. But also… if you want to feel better, you know what the medicine is. You can take it anytime.
So let this email be me — softly, gently, with compassion and love oozing out of my pores — reminding you:
Hey friend. The medicine does work, if you take it. Would you consider taking it?
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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. I specialize in working with people who are already pretty “together” in their lives — paying their bills, meeting their commitments. But just because your life looks pretty good on paper, doesn’t necessarily mean that it feels right to you, from the inside out.
If you're interested, learn more here.
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How you may feel when you quit your job
Just a lil’ PSA today:
Some of my clients, at some point, quit their jobs without something else lined up next. Often, this is a decision that is very intentionally chosen — for a long time, they’ve been craving extra time to rest, and dream about what’s next.
When they were still working, they imagined this time of planned unemployment as delightful.
The joyful mornings at coffee shops! The invigorating extra workouts! The extra hangouts with friends!
And then, when they’ve finally quit and have this longed-for extra time, they often find that while there are fun parts, there is also… anxiety.
Sometimes… a lot of anxiety.
Anxiety about figuring out what they want next.
Anxiety about whether they’ll ever get hired again.
And just weird, mysterious, floating anxiety.
This has happened to a handful of my clients in the past six months, and I have told them all the same thing: This is totally, profoundly normal.
…
Here’s the thing: when you have more empty space + time in your life than you are accustomed to… stuff tends to come up.
Stuff like…
Feelings.
Thoughts.
Body sensations (jitteriness, jumpiness, difficulty sitting still are common ones).
This is true, across life.
If you’ve had a super busy period at work, and suddenly the project ends, you might expect to feel amazing – and you might end up with a lot of “stuff” coming up.
If you are a super busy parent and finally have some help + more free time — you might expect to be truly joyful, but spend at least some of that time with “stuff” coming up.
Sometimes the “stuff” comes right away. You wake up on your first day of unemployment, filled with anxiety. Other times, there’s a honeymoon period of days or weeks, of pure joy. And then, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
Often, my clients don’t typically feel quite so negative, in their general lives. So it can be extra-disorienting to have these negative thoughts or feelings or sensations.
…
I have some theories about why this happens: I think most of us have more negative feelings than we are processing, on a day-to-day basis. And when we suddenly have more empty space, all of that unprocessed anxiety or fear or sadness or just existential sensation jumps in, to say: now that you have some empty space, can we play?
But I think even more important than why this happens is simply acknowledging that it does happen, and if it is happening, nothing is wrong.
And here’s what I tell my clients, if it’s helpful to you, too:
“Nothing is going wrong.”
This is normal. This happens to almost everyone. Do not freak out. When there’s empty space, stuff just tends to come up.And also: “You need to spend some of your new free time attending to this.”
“This is annoying. And, some of your free time will need to be spent managing your anxiety (or fear or sadness), and taking it very seriously.” (This is a moment when I talk to my clients about concrete strategies that work for them, to manage thoughts or feelings.)
…
Remember when I said this is a PSA? I meant it.
I want you to remember: if you quit your job to rest + regroup (or otherwise find yourself with more free time than usual)… it may not feel 100% amazing.
This is not to say you shouldn’t do it! I have done it, and enjoyed it, and have many clients who felt the same.
It’s simply to say: if you feel not as amazing as you expected, don’t freak out. Take it seriously. If you do, then you might go back to enjoying the extra time just as much as you hoped ☺
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If you'd like some support in cultivating your own sustainable pace (both in identifying what it is + making it a freaking reality), I can't recommend life coaching enough.
If you'd like to work with me, you can learn about my work here.
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Waiting for a break in the storm
Here’s something I often remind myself:
There are seasons when every day is a good day for an expedition. The height of spring, for example. It’s sunny, it’s breezy, and a bit of a burn feels nice in the legs. Go get ‘em, tiger.
And then there are other seasons.
In those seasons, every day will be a difficult day for an expedition.
Amidst the swirling rain, the howling wind, and the blankets of snow…it will take all you’ve got to put one step in front of another. And even with superhuman effort, you’ll move slowly, sometimes backwards, get lost a lot, use up all your energy in the first half-mile… and get very, very wet.
(Did I mention that you’ll get very, very wet?)
…
In those seasons, you have two options:
Wait for a break in the storm.
Wait for a time when it’s not so swirly, windy, or rain-y. Wait for a time when you can take a break, and take some clear steps.
Of course, this may not be often. In certain climates, at certain times of year, there may be days, weeks, or months where…it is honestly a terrible time to undertake an expedition.Go anyway.
You can always go outside, even in the worst of seasons, and start the trek anyway. That’s fine, too. But it will be a frustrating trek — just like it would be frustrating to wait inside for a break in the storm.
Honestly, all the options are kind of frustrating, in certain seasons.
I think I’ll say that one again, because I need it, too: all the options are kind of frustrating, in certain seasons.
…
I don’t say that to discourage you. I say that to remind you:
Spring will come again.
Expeditions will feel good again.
Just not in this particular season.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. I’ve noticed that this seems to be a moment for deeply considering one’s life — what do we want from our days? Are we moving in a direction that is truly right for us? If that’s true for you, coaching might be a useful source of support, inspiration, and direction. Here’s more information about working with me, if you'd like.
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When everything in life feels "hard"
A little while ago, my life coach (yes, I have one!) pointed out that I was saying that a lot of things were “hard.”
Wrangling young children at bedtime was hard.
My 16-month renovation was hard.
Having enough time for everything I wanted to do was — you guessed it — hard.
My coach challenged me to notice, as I moved through my days, what wasn’t hard. What was, in fact, easy? And when I noticed when something was easy, to just say to myself, “This is easy.”
Reader, I did it.
Reader, it turns out that a lot of my life is easy.
I found myself saying “this is easy” to myself, at least a handful of times a day.
When I had a quiet moment to journal in the morning.
As I took a breath and had a lovely lunch.
When I read a book after dinner, or snuck into my kids’ room at 9 pm to watch them sleep.
And, even more strikingly: I noticed that when I said “this is easy” to myself, several times a day, my day felt easier… without changing anything.
I think this happened because the *average* of my thoughts became more positive. I didn’t get rid of the negative ones, I just added more truthful positive ones.
(“Truthful” is an important part of that sentence. This wasn’t a practice about lying to myself, or self-gaslighting. Plenty of things remain hard or unpleasant — brushing a toddler’s teeth, anyone? — and I tell myself the truth about those things, too, with compassion.)
…
So today, I wanted to offer you an invitation to play with this practice.
If — like me — everything has felt “hard” lately, you might practice noticing what’s “easy.” Or maybe there’s a different word that has plagued you:
Has everything been “boring?” Maybe look for what is fun, or interesting, in your day-to-day.
Has everything been “frustrating?” Maybe look for what has “gone well” – or interactions that felt “helpful” or “supportive.”
Again, the point isn’t to deny your experience. Many things will likely remain hard, boring, and frustrating.
But also, we may be unfairly weighing the narrative towards the negative, by simply not noticing parts of our life that are the opposite of our habitual interpretation — and suffering because of it.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. One of my clients said:
"These are lessons that I could potentially have learned "on my own" after another 1-2 decades of life experience, but the fact I have made such progress in 12 months means that working with Katie has easily been the best investment I've made in myself in my adulthood."
I feel so moved by her saying that. If you'd like to work with me — I currently have two openings for new clients — learn more + reach out here.
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Job descriptions + burnout (Your Engine, Part IV)
I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (1,2,3).
Today, I wanted to talk about the final common engine challenge: keeping your engine going on the road, for the long term.
There’s many concepts that help with this, but today I’ll just share one.
It’s this: Choose your job description carefully.
To me, a “job description” is the definition of what tasks you are signed up to do, and how “success” is measured.
Most of us have “job descriptions” — implicit or explicit — at work.
We also have them — typically implicitly — in every other part of our lives. We might have job descriptions for how we are supposed to show up as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, as a painter, as a runner.
I’ve found that many of us have often un-useful, sometimes actively-harmful job descriptions.
One recently client’s (implicit) Job Description at work was the following:
Do every task that is asked of me perfectly — in a way that is thorough and detailed.
Volunteer for every additional opportunity to help that arises, and do those at an extremely high level of quality, as well.
Based on that job description, can you guess how my client was feeling?
If you guessed “exhausted, behind on work, overwhelmed, and bad at her job (despite getting great feedback from her boss),” you’re right!
…
Of course, given her Job Description, none of this is a surprise.
She had a job with potential tasks that could take two full-time employees’ time. It simply wasn’t possible to do every task at the level of thoroughness that she desired. As a result, of course she often felt behind, exhausted, and like she was avoiding the most important things.
We did many things in our work together, but one of them was to revise her job description.
Eventually, it was something like this:
Use her expertise to prioritize the most important tasks.
Communicate clearly with her many stakeholders, so everyone knows when she will get back to them with what they need — even if it’s not immediately.
Make sure she tackles the most important tasks with her peak cognitive sharpness, and also to rest and take appropriate breaks (like mid-day exercise), so she can maintain that sharpness over the course of the day.
Three things were fantastic about this job description:
When she followed this job description, she was more effective at work, not less.
She got the most important things done in a timely manner (which she used to avoid, because many of those important tasks were also cognitively tiring) — and she didn’t feel behind on the less important things, because she has communicated clearly about deadlines so stakeholders knew what to expect.She felt calmer, happier, and well-rested.
Before, she’d often work late, and struggled to get exercise in. Now, she exercised most lunch breaks, and stopped at a reasonable hour. And her days were calmer, because she wasn’t feeling guilty or anxious that she wasn’t getting to the most important thing.And, also, she felt more effective.
Before, she often felt bad at her job – because she was often failing at the job description she had created for herself. Now, she could feel successful — because she could satisfy her own job description.
And, of course, when you feel both more effective, and also calmer, happier, and well-rested…it’s a lot easier to keep that engine engaged in the long term.
…
This week, I invite you to pick one area of your life – it could be at your job, or as a parent, homeowner, or friend. Then reflect:
What implicit job description are you living with?
What would you like your job description to be?
Happy Engine Month, everyone ☺ As always, I’m rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. Want to work with me 1:1? So many of us have lives that look pretty good on paper, but feel a little “off” or not-right.
Working with folks like that is my specialty.
I help my clients gain clarity + make progress towards lives that feel profoundly right to them. Along the way, they cultivate more authenticity, build more meaningful relationships, heal from burnout, have more fun, finally accomplish that important project, and much more.
Learn more about working with me here.
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A wacky way to stop procrastinating (Your Engine, Part III)
I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (1,2).
…
This week, let’s assume you do have fuel in the tank of your engine.
The second issue that I encounter with my clients is that they struggle to actually turn on the ignition.
They never write that screenplay that’s burning inside of them.
They avoid editing that research brief that is cognitively challenging, but so important.
They keep putting off that grad school application until it’s the last minute and they’re rushed.
You might avoid it forever (like the screenplay), or procrastinate it by doing other “useful” things (replying to every email at work when really you should be reading a research paper on that challenging topic.)
Today I want to share a practice that I’ve seen be shockingly effective when you are avoiding… you know… actually turning on that engine.
…
But a warning, before I tell you about the practice:
This one is a little wacky.
As in, when I suggest it to clients, they sometimes look at me like I’m kooky. But when they do it, they often come back and say, wow Katie, this thing really worked.
…
Here’s the practice: Before you do that thing that you know you need to do…set a timer for 5 minutes and lie on the floor and do nothing. Then, get up and do the thing that you know you need to do.
That’s it.
Lie on the floor.
Do nothing.
5 minutes.
Then do the thing you need to do.
…
A quick Q&A:
Q: What do you mean by “Do Nothing” ?
A: Lie on the floor and don’t take any action. It’s okay if your mind wanders a bit; you don’t have to formally “meditate” or “clear your mind.” Just don’t consciously think about something, like planning out your grocery list for this afternoon.Q: What if it’s not socially acceptable to lie on the floor? I’m in an office and it would be too weird.
A: No worries – a chair will work, too. Just make sure your laptop is closed, and you’re not stimulated by screens or other input. Sitting quietly in the bathroom stall will do the trick, in a pinch.
…
This practice accomplishes, with elegance + simplicity, two important things:
It lowers your agitation level.
When you first lie on the floor, you may be quite jumpy + agitated in your body. Most of us are agitated to some degree, as we move through our days — and if you are anticipating doing something important, challenging, and/or emotionally-charged…you might be even more agitated. But if you lie there on the floor for 5 minutes, you will feel calmer and less agitated, to at least some degree.It gives you a cognitive rest.
Most of us are also chronically cognitively tired — and you know what we tend to avoid when we’re cognitively tired? Important, challenging, and/or emotionally-charged tasks!
Giving yourself a few minutes to have an open, receptive, wandering mind is typically very cognitively restful (though it may not necessarily be “fun” – it may be a bit uncomfortable, at first).
My clients typically find that once they are even a bit less agitated and cognitively rested, it is so, so much easier to turn the key in the ignition and do what they intend to do.
…
So that’s my suggestion for you this week:
Pick an activity that’s important, or that you have been struggling to get done.
This week, lie on the floor for 5 minutes before doing it.
Kooky? Absolutely.
Effective? Also yes.
Try it and let me know how it goes ☺
Katie
p.s. Want to feel less busy + exhausted all the time? Struggle with people-pleasing? What to make progress towards what matters most? 1:1 life coaching can be a game changer for that — and much more.
Learn more here.
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Burnout + your "Energy Net Worth" (Your Engine, Part II)
I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (here’s last week’s intro).
…
One common engine problem is simply not having any fuel in the tank.
On one hand, most of us know that we need fuel when it comes to non-metaphorical engines. We’d certainly never drive a car with an empty tank on the freeway.
But a lot of us our driving ourselves on the freeway with empty tanks.
Today I want to introduce a concept I developed, that I often share with clients who are chronically driving on empty: the idea of Energy Net Worth.
The idea behind “Energy Net Worth” is that your energy level functions a lot like money — it’s not just about what you “earn” and “spend” today; it’s also about what you earnt and spent in the past.
If we have a positive Energy Net Worth, we have a build-up of extra energy reserves, for whatever life throws at us. Have you ever had something energetically “expensive” happen to you, but you emerged basically okay? You probably had plenty of energy in reserve, so it wasn’t a big deal to “spend” some.
(This happened to me, when my son first started having seizures and he had to spend a few days in the hospital. Scary, exhausting, but I had a pretty solid amount of energy in the bank. I was okay afterwards.)
By contrast, have you ever had an experience that wasn’t “objectively” tiring, but… totally exhausted you?
Maybe you had to do something at work that, on a normal day, would be okay — or even easy! — but on this day, just seemed impossible. At that point, your Energy Net Worth was probably close to zero… or you may have been already in “Energy Debt.”
The point here is not what happens to your energy in a given day. We all have days that are energetically expensive, for one reason or another. The point is overall.
*Overall,* Do you have enough reserves for what you need? Or are you perpetually exhausted?
…
If you laughed at the concept of even having energy reserves – if you thought “well, that’s impossible” or “that sounds like a pipe dream, Katie” – you’re definitely not alone.
Most of my clients are, financially, quite responsible. They have 401k’s, they are thoughtful about investment strategies or budgeting. They might have debt, but it is thoughtfully chosen – a carefully-researched decision to buy a house, for example.
On the other hand, many, many of my clients are basically living paycheck-to-paycheck, with maxed out credit cards, when it comes to their energy.
And this has huge – and I mean huge — implications across their lives.
(And Energy Debt, like financial debt, can be complex to pay off. Because when you’re truly in energy debt, there is typically interest. More on that here.)
…
For today, I want to invite you to reflect:
How is your Energy Net Worth? Is it positive? Neutral? Negative?
Do you give your Energy Net Worth as much attention, care, and long-term planning as you give your Financial Net Worth? Why or why not? Do you like that prioritization?
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Would you like to work with me in 2024? Most of my clients improve their Energy Net Worth, while we simultaneously work on everything else that matters to them (improving their focus, revitalizing their marriages, re-starting their exercise habits, making that big career move, and more.)
I’m offering 4-month and 6-month coaching packages. My past client, Julie, recently said: “Working with Katie was one of the best decisions I've made in the past few years.”
Learn more about working with me 1:1 here.
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Your engine + energy (Part I)
To kick Engine Month off, I wanted to share a few things every functional engine needs:
It needs enough fuel in the tank.
It needs to be able to start going. You need to be able to turn on the ignition, regularly.
It needs to be able to keep going. You need to be able to keep the car going on the freeway, at a solid pace, for the long haul.
On one hand, these three things may sound obvious. Like: Of course we need fuel, and to start + keep going.
On the other hand, I’ve seen many clients struggle in each one of these areas without being able to articulate the problem. And each struggle necessitates a different coaching approach.
For example:
If a client isn’t making progress, is it because he doesn’t have enough fuel?
Or is something stopping him from turning his engine on and getting started?
Or is he breaking down by the side of the road?
Depending on the situation, I might help him get more fuel, help him un-block himself from getting started, or develop more endurance to keep going.
…
In the next few weeks, I’ll share some ideas for each of those potential issues.
But for today, I want to ask: if you know what you want, but feel like your engine isn’t working as well as you’d like it to, which of the following areas are you struggling in:
Do you have enough fuel in your tank?
Have you been able to get started, on a regular basis?
Are you having endurance issues?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. I currently have two openings for new 1:1 life coaching clients. Would you like to work with me? Learn more here!
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"I only know what I don't want" (or: "no"-only compasses) - Part III
I’m starting this year by sharing some core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. My last few essays have been about our compasses (here, here, and here) – and I wanted to share a final more core concept about compasses this week.
…
One final compass insight for you:
Some people’s compasses — either for a period of time, or for always — only tell them what not to do. Don’t take this job, don’t get married to this person. But it never actually tells them what *to* do.
In other words: “No”-only compasses exist.
The good news is that even though this is annoying, you actually can navigate through life with this just fine. It will work, and will work quite effectively — even with “no”-only signals.
But you have to kind of get used to that process, too, and learn how to work with the compass you have — which, again, is not Google Maps.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If you’d like to do a total overhaul on your compass and/or engine this year, I highly recommend working with me 1:1. Here’s what one client said about her experiences working with me:
“{…}It was truly life-changing. In a very short time, Katie was able to truly see me, probably better than anyone ever has, and more importantly she helped me be able to see myself - which I realized I had never actually done before. She really has a knack for reading the moment and knowing what is needed in that moment, while also knowing how that moment relates to the bigger picture.
I can't recommend Katie enough.”
— Celia
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Compasses are kind of like iPhones (Your Compass, Part II)
I’m starting this year by sharing some core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. I’m starting with our compasses (here’s last week’s) – and I wanted to share another idea this week.
…
Today I wanted to share #1 misunderstanding about compasses that I find I have to explain to the world.
Here it is:
Compasses drained of batteries will only tell you that they are drained of batteries.
You know how when your iphone or your laptop is drained of battery, you can turn it on, it just shows the “battery is dead” sign, and then turns itself off?
The compass is 100% like this.
If human (metaphorical) compasses came with instruction manuals, they would say: Compass will not give directional information when drained of battery.
Often, when people get that battery-dead-turning-itself-off thing, they freak out and think their compass doesn’t work. When actually, your compass is totally working.
It is just telling you the one thing it really, really wants you to know, which is “you are tired.”
…
And this is, truly the #1 misunderstanding about compasses that I find I have to explain to the world. I tell it to clients very frequently. I told this to a friend just this week.
My friend was feeling stressed out + scared because she didn’t know what she wanted to do professionally. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said:
You know, I just think if I was being honest, I don’t want a job at all. I’d love to never work again. But I can’t do that, financially, so I just feel trapped and like I have nothing to navigate by.
And it was very clear to me what the problem was.
So I told her: “Girl, your compass is working just fine. It’s just that when your compass is out of batteries, the only thing it’s going to tell you is to recharge the batteries. You’re not going to get any more information until there’s more juice in that thing.”
And then she laughed and was really relieved.
Because, she had been going through a busier time than usual, and she was genuinely tired. And she could quit her job to rest, of course, but she also could just prioritize rest more in her life as a whole, while keeping her job. Both are options.
…
But again, in these situations, the compass is working, it’s just doing what it is supposed to do, which is not to give a reading when it doesn’t have enough battery level.
So as my PSA for this month, please remember: Compasses drained of batteries will only tell you that they are drained of batteries.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
P.s. Want to rebuild your compass? I highly recommend working with me 1:1. Learn more here about what it’s like to work with me, what past clients have said, and more.
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