On porousness
An observation: our own porousness is often what makes life hard.
We don’t want to talk to our mom about our plan to move to Vancouver, because we are porous — when she expresses serious concerns about our plans, we soak those concerns up like a sponge.
We don’t want to deliver bad news to our direct report because we are porous — when they are devastated or angry, we soak that devastation or anger up, too.
And once we’ve soaked up all of those opinions and emotions? What happens to the sponge?
We are anxious, overwhelmed, or confused, too.
Several of my clients have gotten an astonishing amount of value out of simply:
Naming what’s happening. They are being porous. They are soaking up other people’s opinions + feelings like sponges.
Setting an intention to be less porous, in certain conversations. Thinking to themselves, before they talk to their dad or their manager: “My goal is to have more solid armor, in this conversation.”
(That’s all! Just explicitly setting the intention before the conversation can make a difference.)Optional, for bonus points: creating an “armoring ritual” before important armoring conversations.
One client bought a special object — that reminded her of strength + armor — and she’d look at it before conversations when she needed to “armor up.” You might also do some kind of physical movement or little sound (like pressing a button, or imaging a physical armor engaging…. as if you’re a superhero.)
(A little cheesy? Maybe, but it does totally work.)
…
Our porousness can seem inevitable, like gravity.
And yet: simply noticing + setting an intention to be different, can have a remarkable impact on your ability to stop internalizing others’ feelings or opinions.
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As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If this resonated, here’s another way of talking about a similar idea.
If you’d like to be more comfortable with people not liking you all the time, while also having more authentic, deeper romantic relationships and friendships (and not feeling like your chest is tight from low-level anxiety/exhaustion all the time), you should definitely hire me as your life coach.
To learn more about my work, click here.
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