A game for people who don't love holiday parties
I envy people who adore small talk with people they’ve just met at that Hannukah mixer. Or the relatives at that (large) gathering, who don’t seem to notice the chaos and noise, and love chatting about “what you’ve been up to lately.”
I am not that.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy seeing loved ones and friends, and the chance to meet new people. I do!
It’s that it’s often quite draining for me, and the kinds of surface-level conversations one tends to have at them…well, they’re my least favorite type of conversation.
…
So a few years ago, I made up a game for myself.
It’s called: Find deep moments of connection.
The rules are simple: Try to have a deeper moment of connection with as many people as possible.
That jokey uncle who is hard to get to say anything serious? Maybe you can get him reflecting in a deeper way about friendships after retirement.
That aunt you don’t know that well? Maybe she’ll share her insecurities about her career path, when she was your age.
That new acquaintance? Maybe you both can share honestly about what’s been hard about parenthood.
(All real examples, from my experience playing the game.)
Of course, the game must be played with finesse:
Not everyone is open to having a deeper conversation. You can usually sense this — you’ll feel subtly blocked.
Sometimes more surface-level conversations are the lubricant that gets you to a deeper moment of connection.
But what makes the game work is that if you set an intention to go deep, you can often get it done. You just have to look for opportunities — choosing to ask a deeper question that you might have otherwise done. A chance to respond to their remark in a way that is more authentic, more present, more fresh than you might otherwise have done.
One person is often all it takes, to take things deeper.
…
I notice that if I can get in a few moments of deeper connection at any social event, I feel more positive and energized by the whole experience — and closer to the other person.
I never tell the people I’m talking to that I’m playing this game (it’s kind of like Fight Club, in that way) — but my hope is that they feel more positive, energized, and connected, too.
Happy holidays, everyone ☺
Katie
p.s. And for my relatives, friends, and acquaintances reading this: hi guys! Yes, I am often playing this on you. But also, not all the time! (Sometimes, I’m half talking to you, half trying to make sure one of my toddlers doesn’t throw a glass on the ground.) But when I am, I do genuinely hope it makes us all feel better.
p.p.s. If you're feeling more tension and less connection than you'd like — with colleagues, with your partner, with your parents – I'd suggest hiring me! I can help you identify the blind spots and make changes that feel doable and respectful of your own needs — while strengthening your relationships in an authentic way. If you'd like to work with me 1:1 on your conversations, your relationships, or any part of your life, learn more here.
