On whether people like you at that outdoor, COVID-safe cocktail party

Many of us (me included!) might — you know, just sometimes — get a little anxious in social situations.

Maybe when there’s a cool-looking person at a party you’d like to befriend.
Or at Thanksgiving with your in-laws.
Or even with one of your oldest friends.  

Our anxieties can take many forms…

• Do they find me interesting / funny / smart?

• Do they find me attractive / sexy?

• Would they rather talk to someone else?

• Do they want to be my friend?

And yet, they all boil down to the same fear: Do they like me?

Today I wanted to offer you a new thought to think, when you are worried about whether other people like you.  

Here it is:

Instead of worrying whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like *them?*

Did you catch that?

Instead of worrying about whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like them?

I’ve played with this idea, and it has really shifted things for me. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

1. In meeting new people

I have long had mild social anxiety — I usually get a little anxious at a dinner party of all new people, for example. I often found the thought flitting across my mind: Katie, you are awkward and they probably don’t find you as interesting as the other people here.

But once I stayed focused on whether I liked them, and whether I want to get to know them better, it really shifted things for me.

Instead of trying to control them (“please, won’t you like me?!”), I just started paying much closer attention to them — to what they were saying, and to their whole way-of-being. Did I find them warm? Deep? Thoughtful?

This was much more relaxing to me, and I’m sure it made the people I spoke with more relaxed, too.

It also helped me realize: I don’t actually want to become friends with most people. Of course, I’m capable of chatting with almost anyone, and will be kind and respectful to everyone I meet!

But if I don’t feel “lit up” by another person, it doesn’t actually matter if they’d rather talk to someone else. I feel the same way about them!

2. In existing relationships where I didn’t feel cherished.

I have a few existing relationships where I felt that the other person — in various ways — didn’t seem to put in the “friendship work” for us to connect. I didn’t feel particularly valued, and I might have even started to feel hurt.

Asking “Do I like them?” changed everything for me.

If I realized that I didn’t actually value them that much, then it was fine that they seemed to be a bit checked out from the relationship. I realized it would make sense for me to “check out” a bit, too.

If I realized that I did deeply value the relationship, then I was willing to do the majority of the “friendship work,” at least for the time being. It was a relationship I valued!

…

One more thing:

I was talking about this concept with a client recently, and she wondered whether it was a bit egotistical, to focus on whether she liked other people.

From my perspective, it’s actually the opposite.

When we’re worried whether the other person likes us, we are typically “performing” — trying to make ourselves liked. We’re not showing up with the authenticity that typically leads to the most meaningful, lasting relationships.

But when we ask whether we like them, we’re being honest — with ourselves, and with them. If the relationship does form, it forms on the foundation of authenticity and a true, genuine desire to connect. That’s the kind of friendship that will be best for them, and for you.

…

Here’s your homework:

In a social situation, when you notice yourself worried about being liked, ask: do I like them?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

---

Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!