Beware moderately appealing life goals

Just a quick reminder this week: Beware the “moderately appealing” goals.

I got the term “moderately appealing” from Oliver Burkeman’s lovely book about time and productivity, Four Thousand Weeks. One of the biggest barriers to feeling fulfilled by our “finite lives”, Burkeman argues, is these “moderately appealing” goals:

The work opportunity that seems fairly interesting or financially attractive, but would take quite a bit more work.

The friendship that is pleasant, in a lot of ways. But not a hell yes.

The hobby that is fun, but not one of the most important things in your life.  

I find that many of my clients have too many “moderately appealing” priorities — things they do care about, but which aren’t actually their top priorities.

In trying to do both the “moderately appealing” and the really-truly-high-priority things, they never have enough energy or time to give the really-truly-high-priorities what they really-truly-need.

(Or they are constantly exhausted, stressed, and hurried. Which does not lead to fulfillment, either.)

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So I will ask: Is your finite life getting weighed down by too many “moderately appealing” goals?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

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Want to achieve your goals faster? I don't always recommend it

In my experience, going too fast is far more dangerous than going too slow.

Oh, you want to implement some new healthy habits?
Show what you can do at work?
Make meaningful progress on a passion project?

I will say it again: going too fast is far more dangerous than going too slow.

As a life coach, I see it time and again: we bite off an amount that seems reasonable. Heck, it seems like less than “lots of other people do every day”!

And yet – it’s too much. We can’t keep it up. We’re tired, we’re discouraged. Of course, if we want it enough, we’ll eventually pick it up again — but we’ve wasted so much time and energy in the drama, frustration, and meandering path. 

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The crazy, not-said-enough thing is:

It takes discipline, to purposefully constrain yourself to a slower, truly sustainable pace.

In other words: It may feel frustrating and terrible, to go slowly. You’ll think: But I can do more! I have more in me! There’s fuel in the tank!

Yes. That’s exactly the point.

You need to have more than enough fuel on some days — so that on other days when your fuel is far less, you’ll still have enough. So you can avoid flaming out, on an empty tank, by the side of the road. (Or, less dramatically, watching TikTok instead of doing your newfound healthy habits, or working on your screenplay.)

Repeat after me: going too fast is far more dangerous than going too slow.

Slow will get you there every time, team.

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As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie




p.s. Yes, this lesson is age-old. (See also: the tortoise and the hare.) But I find that many of us — me included —need a reminder, sometimes.

p.p.s. Would you like me to be your life coach? I specialize in working with people who are already pretty “together” in their lives — paying their bills, and meeting their commitments. But just because your life looks pretty good on paper, doesn’t necessarily mean that it feels right to you, from the inside out.  Learn more.

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Not a fan of 5-year-plans? Here's some other goal setting strategies to try

Some time ago, a coach whom I’d met socially suggested that we get lunch. Over tasty cold noodles in Koreatown, we both talked about our coaching practices, our training, and life in general.

Then she asked me what my five-year plan was.

“I don’t have a five-year plan,” I told her simply. “I mean, I have ideas for things I want to do. I know how I want to feel. But I don’t have a precise five-year goal or plan.”

“Me neither,” she confessed, laughing a little. “Isn’t it weird how we’re always trying to get our clients to set goals like that, but we don’t make them ourselves?”

I shrugged. “I don’t ask my clients to set five year plans.”

I think about this conversation a lot. Part of our difference in perspective was due to the diversity of coaches in the world (I wrote more about that here) — she and I had trained in different coaching methodologies and coached in very different ways.

But also, I wouldn’t be surprised if she urged clients to set five-year plans because the idea of a five-year plan is so darn alluring. Many people seek out coaching because they feel lost, stuck, or frustrated in their lives, and the idea of having an official, precise “plan” can feel like a very neat resolution to that problem.

To be clear, I’m not opposed to five-year plans — there are times when they can be essential, and I’m happy to support clients in creating them when appropriate.

But also, the reality of life is that it’s often not linear. We often can’t truly see eighteen steps ahead. We can create a shiny and precise five-year plan, and then it doesn’t actually make sense for us six months later.

So, in that spirit, I wanted to share a couple of alternative ideas, for when you’re craving a five-year plan:

• Get clear on your next right step, and take it. 

  Five-year plans are fantastic, but many of us know what our next right step (or two, or three) is… and we’re still not taking it. We could make a list of the things we know we know that we definitely want to move forward on… and we’re not doing those things.
  
  I don’t say this to make you feel embarrassed. I say this because just executing our next right step is often friggin’ hard and surprisingly complex — it requires overcoming not insubstantial obstacles, internally or externally. So rather than dreaming twenty-four steps in the future, why not spend that time really going deep on why that single next right step hasn’t happened yet?
  

• Ask yourself: Am I taking care of my basics? 

  Sometimes, we’re feeling anxious or stressed or disappointed in ourselves not because we’re actually totally off in life, but rather because we haven’t been taking care of the essential basics. 
  
  These basics will vary from person to person — maybe we haven’t been sleeping, eating well, taking breaks, or moving — or maybe we’ve been spending too much time on screens. For me, my “basics” also means that I’m putting in at least some time on projects that may not be urgent, but really matter to me. This and this are some ideas for “basics” to start with. 
  

• Strengthen your Inner Compass

  Many of us want a five year plan because we feel like: (1) we’re going in the wrong direction in our lives, or (2) we don’t know what direction to go in. In other words, we feel disconnected from our Inner Compasses, which tell us the right direction to go in. (I know that feeling well!) 
  
  Having a strong Inner Compass is, in my opinion, more useful than a 5-year plan; a functional Inner Compass should be a highly flexible instrument that will help you get yourself pointed in the right direction now, and make all of the many, many course adjustments that will be needed as you move forward. It’s something that I often work with my coaching clients on in a lot of detail, but here are a couple of ways to get started on your own (one, two, three). 
  
  I’d take a strong inner compass over a five-year plan any day because an Inner Compass is inherently flexible — it’s capable of taking in new information, and adjusting.
  
  
  

• Remind yourself: We’re all just figuring it out, one step at a time.

  Or just read this killer Joseph Campbell quote.
  

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And if you still want to make a five-year plan, great! It can be an incredibly useful tool. I just don’t think it’s a requirement for a satisfying or productive life.  

I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie