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Struggle to make decisions or know what you want? The brain has limitations - and here's what to do instead
A lot of my clients come to me with a problem that they have trouble describing. They’ll say something like: “my life looks pretty decent on paper, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”
They’ve often put off getting support because, well, is this a real problem? Or are they just being whiny?
But eventually, they can’t ignore it. What was once a subtle feeling of “not-right-ness” has gotten stronger and stronger. They’ve started to feel anxious or sad or insecure — like they’re trapped, or going through the motions in their lives. They sometimes wonder if they should quit their jobs or break up with their partners — do I just need to make a big, dramatic change?
They’ve thought about the issue from all sides…
…And thought
…and thought
…and thought about it.
There are many different things that can be useful in these types of situations. A coach can typically see things about you that you may find it hard to see on your own — and make suggestions that are tailored to your particular blind spots, or opportunities for growth.
But there’s one thing that I often tell them, and I thought I might tell you, too:
The brain has serious limitations in helping to chart the course of your life.
I say this as someone who was, for many years, a proud, card-carrying member of the “brain-first” club. I graduated with high honors from an Ivy League university, and then I worked at the top management consultancy in the world, for goodness sake! I was very focused on brainpower.
And yet…
And yet, even then, I felt a bit…lost. My life looked pretty good on paper, but I sometimes felt like the professional decisions I was making were a bit…un-anchored. I could make a pro-con list that would say one decision was right, and then make a pro-con list that would point me in the exact opposite direction.
I wanted a life that felt right to me, not just looked right.
So I worked with a coach. One thing that my coach taught me was that the brain has a tendency to spin. The brain can make arguments for just about anything — which is precisely why I was having that pro-con list problem!
…
I had, over the course of my life, heard other phrases. Phrases like:
Trust your gut.
Listen to your heart.
My body wanted (or didn’t want) that.
I’m sure there were moments where I “went with my gut.” But, if I was being honest, phrases like that seemed a little too woo-woo for me. I had a smart brain — I needed to use it.
My coach pointed me in a different direction.
She didn’t suggest turning off my smart brain. She just pointed out that there were other skills — ways of connecting to my “truth” that felt slower, deeper, and more true. Ways of knowing where there wasn’t so much fluttering + doubt. It involved connecting more deeply to my body, figuring out how to calm my nervous system, and listening in a different way.
(And to geek out for a moment: as it turns out, these kinds of “knowing” actually do use the brain, just often not the Prefrontal Cortex where most of our conscious thinking occurs. More on that here.)
…
So I wanted to tell you, in case you need it today:
Your brain is fabulous. Thank goodness for that smart Prefrontal Cortex of yours!
But also: Your conscious brain has limitations for charting the course of your life. In fact, it causes you to spin more than you really need to.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. if you’d like to explore some different ways to chart the course of your life…may I recommend life coaching? It was very potent for me. If you’re ever interested in working with me 1:1, you can learn more about my approach here.
Or the archives of my blog are filled with lots of free ideas + advice. Check them out!
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