On learning (+ being 100% Portuguese)

My husband is Portuguese. In fact, if he were here, he would like you to know that he is 100% Portuguese.

Several years ago, I set out to learn his native language. We got a beginner Portuguese textbook, and sat down for 45 minutes each week to work our way through.

Reader, It was rough.

Partly, Portuguese sounds were tough for my beginner mouth (In my opinion, European Portuguese sounds like a mix of a Slavic language — think Russian or Lithuanian — and saying the words “Oshkosh B’gosh” over and over.)

But mostly, it never seemed like I was really making progress.

Sure, we were slowly (so slowly!) inching our way through the textbook, but I often couldn’t even remember what we did in the week before. Was I making any progress?

I thought back to my days as a successful student:

There had been studying. There had been tests. There had been more than 45 minutes a week.

“I need to study,” I told my husband. “I’ll make flashcards, and vocab lists. I’ll quiz myself and review, so I can remember everything week to week.”

My husband listened to my plan. And then he calmly said it was a bad idea.

“If you keep showing up, you’re going to learn things.” He insisted. “Why don’t you just let yourself remember what you remember?”

I took his advice, mostly because I was busy and tired. It was only later that I realized he was suggesting an entirely new approach to learning for me.

…

When my husband corrected me on the pronunciation of the Portuguese letter “i” (i’s are always pronounced as “ee” in European Portuguese), I used to tense up and try to get the concept lodged in my memory.

But after deciding to just “remember what I remember,” I’d say: “I’m sure I’ll remember it eventually, if you keep reminding me.”

And then I did something incredible: I’d just “forget” about it. I just started assuming that eventually, that concept would get lodged in my memory.

And you know what? It freaking worked.

I started doing it with everything: vocabulary, conjugations, grammar.

Yes, my husband had to correct my pronunciation of the word “para” about a bajillion times (“para” can mean either “stop” or “for/to,” depending on the pronunciation of the first “a”). But also, I eventually totally got it — and now I do it without thinking.

I’m nowhere near fluent, but in the past several years, I’ve gotten to the point where my pronunciation is very passable, I can put together coherent sentences, and I can even eavesdrop a teensy bit on my husband’s phone conversations with his parents back in Portugal.

Our 45 minutes a week dropped to 35 minutes a week once my sons were born. And if there’s a been a lot of stress that week, sometimes 35 minutes doesn’t happen.

In 35 minutes or less a week… In allowing myself to remember what I remember…

… I have learned a lot.

…

I share this story, in the hopes of reminding you of two things:

1. Sometimes, the ways that we move through the world eventually stop serving us.

   I was a successful student in high school and college (Magna Cum Laude at Princeton, thankyouverymuch) because of my rigorous approach to learning.
   
   And yet, that same rigor made me associate learning with “tightness” and “stress.” Sometimes we have to completely take apart our old ways of doing things — ways which may have worked well for us in our past — in order to build something new. And that’s not only okay — it’s fantastic.
   
   

2. Don’t underestimate what you can get done in 35 minutes a week.

   Thirty-five minutes a week may seem, frankly, measly in the scale of a week. It may seem measly in the scale of a month. I’ve spent no time on this thing! How will I ever make progress?
   
   But don’t underestimate the compounding effect over time.

…

Take care, my friends.

Or, as one says to a friend in Fazendas de Almeirim, Portugal (my husband’s hometown): Beijinhos.

Katie




p.s. It can it be tough to take apart + rebuild how you move through the world. You know what makes it 2x-100x easier? Having a life coach.

Here's what Jackie, one of my clients, said about working with me:

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