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Struggle to make decisions or know what you want? The brain has limitations - and here's what to do instead
A lot of my clients come to me with a problem that they have trouble describing. They’ll say something like: “my life looks pretty decent on paper, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”
They’ve often put off getting support because, well, is this a real problem? Or are they just being whiny?
But eventually, they can’t ignore it. What was once a subtle feeling of “not-right-ness” has gotten stronger and stronger. They’ve started to feel anxious or sad or insecure — like they’re trapped, or going through the motions in their lives. They sometimes wonder if they should quit their jobs or break up with their partners — do I just need to make a big, dramatic change?
They’ve thought about the issue from all sides…
…And thought
…and thought
…and thought about it.
There are many different things that can be useful in these types of situations. A coach can typically see things about you that you may find it hard to see on your own — and make suggestions that are tailored to your particular blind spots, or opportunities for growth.
But there’s one thing that I often tell them, and I thought I might tell you, too:
The brain has serious limitations in helping to chart the course of your life.
I say this as someone who was, for many years, a proud, card-carrying member of the “brain-first” club. I graduated with high honors from an Ivy League university, and then I worked at the top management consultancy in the world, for goodness sake! I was very focused on brainpower.
And yet…
And yet, even then, I felt a bit…lost. My life looked pretty good on paper, but I sometimes felt like the professional decisions I was making were a bit…un-anchored. I could make a pro-con list that would say one decision was right, and then make a pro-con list that would point me in the exact opposite direction.
I wanted a life that felt right to me, not just looked right.
So I worked with a coach. One thing that my coach taught me was that the brain has a tendency to spin. The brain can make arguments for just about anything — which is precisely why I was having that pro-con list problem!
…
I had, over the course of my life, heard other phrases. Phrases like:
Trust your gut.
Listen to your heart.
My body wanted (or didn’t want) that.
I’m sure there were moments where I “went with my gut.” But, if I was being honest, phrases like that seemed a little too woo-woo for me. I had a smart brain — I needed to use it.
My coach pointed me in a different direction.
She didn’t suggest turning off my smart brain. She just pointed out that there were other skills — ways of connecting to my “truth” that felt slower, deeper, and more true. Ways of knowing where there wasn’t so much fluttering + doubt. It involved connecting more deeply to my body, figuring out how to calm my nervous system, and listening in a different way.
(And to geek out for a moment: as it turns out, these kinds of “knowing” actually do use the brain, just often not the Prefrontal Cortex where most of our conscious thinking occurs. More on that here.)
…
So I wanted to tell you, in case you need it today:
Your brain is fabulous. Thank goodness for that smart Prefrontal Cortex of yours!
But also: Your conscious brain has limitations for charting the course of your life. In fact, it causes you to spin more than you really need to.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. if you’d like to explore some different ways to chart the course of your life…may I recommend life coaching? It was very potent for me. If you’re ever interested in working with me 1:1, you can learn more about my approach here.
Or the archives of my blog are filled with lots of free ideas + advice. Check them out!
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An exercise to help you know what you need
Do you ever feel confused about what to do about a relationship, a next step, or a big (or small) decision in your life?
One of my favorite strategies for cutting through confusion is from Dr. Helene Brenner’s I Know I’m In There Somewhere. I thought it might be particularly useful to share now, because the new year is often a time when we want to make decisions and take action.
Dr. Brenner’s advice is to make a list of the things you do know.
Literally. That’s it.
Dr. Brenner suggests trying to complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as you can. This exercise sounds obvious, but I’ve been doing it recently and have found it to be shockingly (I mean it!) effective.
Here’s an example: Imagine that you hear in the middle of the afternoon that you didn’t get the promotion that you were expecting. You’re devastated and angry and have so many feelings and thoughts that it’s hard to know what to do. If you were doing this exercise, here’s where you might start:
I know…that I’m extremely disappointed.
I know…that I want to cry.
I know…that I feel ashamed to tell my partner I didn’t get the raise. I don’t want her to think that I’m not good at my job.
I know…that I’m angry because other people probably got promotions.
I know…that I feel inadequate.
Honestly, that might not seem that useful, at first. But, after fully noticing and writing down all of those things you know, you might know some other things:
I know…that I have so many feelings!
I know…that I want to take action, based on those feelings. I want to yell at someone, or quit my job because they obviously don’t appreciate me, or demand that my supervisor tell me what I did wrong!
Naming all of that, so specifically, might help you “know” some other things.
I know…that I need to deal with all of my emotions, first, before I take action. I’m not going to do anything productive in this headspace.
I know…that I can barely concentrate at my job right now.
I know…that I’m going to do the best I can for the last two hours of the day, but then go home as soon as possible and lick my wounds.
I know…that I need some comfort and support.
I know…that I’d like a hug from my partner.
I know…that I’d like a restful night.
I know…that I feel better knowing what I do know.
Of course, the situation isn’t fixed. This is only the beginning.
But the purpose of the exercise is to help you figure out what you know now, and what you don’t know yet. The person doing this exercise doesn’t yet know what they’ll do tomorrow or next week. That’s often true — often we can only know the next right step.
This exercise helped them figure out the next step that would be productive, and then they can try again tomorrow, to find the step after that.
Oh, and one more quick point about “knowing”: “I know I should” is not true knowing. I-know-I-should’s include: “I know I should leave him/get more organized/lose ten pounds.” Dr. Brenner points out: “No matter how accurate those statements may be, very rarely does change come from them, because you’re talking at yourself. You’re not coming from your inner experience — from what you truly know, sense, feel, or want.”
Did you catch that? If you actually want positive, helpful change to come from into your life, you need to lean into true knowing, not I-know-I-should’s.
…
So here’s an offering for your weekend: Pick an area where you feel stuck. Can you complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as possible? Challenge yourself to do it at least 20 times — what new insights or perspectives do you find?
If you’re in the mood to share, I’d love to hear how it goes for you!
Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every other Sunday. It’s free! :)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
A non-"woo woo", neuroscience-based perspective on intuition
One of the most deeply useful things that happened to me during my twenties was that I turned up the volume to my intuition.
I’m sure I had some connection to my intuition before — that sense of “inner rightness” or “gut knowing.” But it was working with a coach that helped me hear it more clearly (and, eventually, follow it more directly) — which paid huge dividends in my life.
And yet, I’ve struggled to discuss intuition in a way that doesn’t sound at least slightly sketchy. Most of the people I work with are smart professionals — they’re skeptical. Sometimes words like “intuition” sound a little too much like “let’s go sit in a yurt sauna and connect to our spirit ancestors.”
Recently, I found the most compelling description of intuition I’ve ever read, in Dr. Paul Napper and Dr. Anthony Rao’s The Power of Agency.
Napper and Rao point out that just because intuition isn’t a conscious brain process (like, say, making a pro-con list), doesn’t mean that it’s not using your brain. Far from it:
“Intuition makes rapid, beneath-the-surface mental connections. Intuition is when your mind weaves perceptions together from the millions of stored bits of your memories and experiences. It is capable of creating a new, holistic understanding of a situation, almost always well before you arrive at a decision through conscious, logical thought.”
This gives intuition a remarkable usefulness. If we had to wait for our logical, reasoning brain to understand a situation, it would take far longer — from minutes to, well…years (Have you ever taken that long to understand, on a logical level, what you knew in your gut far earlier?)
And yet, we’ve all also had experiences when our initial reaction led us astray.
This could be for many reasons, but one key problem, Napper and Rao argue, is that we’re confusing intuition and emotion.
Both intuition and emotion often manifest themselves in our bodies (e.g., we have a physical sensation associated with them – a throbbing in our belly, a tightening in our heart). Both seem to come to us in a direct, immediate way — not through the conscious reasoning centers of our brain. And of course, each one can affect the other: you might have an emotion based on an intuitive insight, or vice versa.
Napper and Rao point out some useful ways to tell the two apart:
“Volume” of the message. For most of us, emotions are “louder and more insistent,” versus intuitions, which “can be quieter, subtler.”
When they occur. Emotions often occur “as a direct response to something that just happened,” while we might feel an intuition when we are resting and quiet, without a lot of external stimulation. (Though, sometimes you do get an intuitive insight in response to something immediate, too.)
Clarity about the cause. It’s often easier to know what caused an emotion: “She said I was acting selfishly, and it infuriated me.” It can be harder to articulate exactly what causes an intuition: “I am pretty sure that guy is trying to swindle me, but I can’t exactly explain why.”
Where in the body we experience them. Some people may feel emotions vs. intuitions in different parts of their bodies. Napper and Rao say that many people feel intuitions in the stomach or lower heart area; that’s why they’re often called a “gut feeling.” By contrast, emotions are often experienced higher in the body, in the upper chest, throat, or even face — we say that we feel “choked up by sadness” or “flushed with embarrassment,” for example.
And yet, my favorite insight from Napper and Rao is this:
“Keep in mind, not everyone is highly intuitive by nature. For some, it will take practice.”
I couldn’t agree more. Our intuition (and for many of us, also our emotions, despite Napper and Rao’s points above!) can be hard to hear, and it can take some practice to build our capacities.
The good news is that just like driving a car or kicking a soccer ball, you can get more skillful. And the more you use these skills, the better you will be — the easier it will be to connect to your inner knowing, and the clearer you will be about what you hear.
And this feels like a moment to mention: Coaching can be very helpful for skillfulness with both emotions and intuition. Here’s a link to learn more about individual coaching, if it’s of interest.
Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every other Sunday. It’s free! :)
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
What helped me get rid of jealousy
Do you ever feel jealous?
I know that I sure do. Sometimes my jealousy is this bubbling, sizzling, boiling thing inside of me.
And, for a long time, that made me feel terrible. Feeling jealous made me feel petty, unkind, and small-hearted. Especially when the people that I was jealous of were close to me – friends or family members. Why can’t I just be happy for them?
But then I read something by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way that totally changed my perspective.
Cameron argues that our jealousy is a “map” to what we most want in the world.
Even more importantly:
“Jealousy is always a mask for fear: fear that we aren’t able to get what we want; frustration that somebody else seems to be getting what is rightfully ours even if we are too frightened to reach for it.”
Jealousy is just a sign that we want for ourselves what other people have. But the truth is, we can have it, too — we just have to get over our fear and reach for it.
Cameron was never jealous of female novelists, because she’d written several novels. But she always felt extremely jealous of women playwrights (or, as she writes, she had an “unhealthy interest in [their] fortunes and misfortunes.”) It wasn’t until she wrote a play herself that she stopped being jealous, and instead felt only camaraderie. “My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do but was not yet brave enough to take action toward.”
I have found this to be true time and again in my life.
I was jealous of some business school students I knew because it seemed like they were completely confident about their path, while I was floundering and flopping.
I was jealous of a speech therapist I knew for the sensual, grounded, confident way she seemed to inhabit the world.
And I found myself jealous of baristas at my local coffee shop because they just seemed so chill, while I am prone to over-thinking and over-worrying.
After a lot of introspection, I came to understand that I wanted my own certainty about my career path (like the business school students), ease in my body (like the speech therapist), and a softer, more open way of being in the world (like the baristas). And then I started to think about what I needed to do to make that happen.
Two things are important to note about this process, though:
To accurately decode your jealousy, you need to be specific.
I wasn’t jealous of business school students because I want to go to business school myself. I was jealous because they seemed so certain and confident in the path they’d taken.
Jealousy itself is an amorphous, boiling-over emotion and sensation. It doesn’t tell you much, except that you are jealous. You have to take some time to untangle your feelings and figure out what they are telling you.Jealousy tells you a lot about yourself, but not that much about other people.
Those baristas might have been brimming with internal anxiety despite a chill exterior, and those business school students might have been 100% lost about their life path.
I honestly don’t know. I didn’t know any of those people that well. What people project on the outside is often not the same as what they feel on the inside. Jealousy is only a reflection of what I perceive about them, not their own internal truth.
If you use it right, jealousy can go from feeling like an ugly, small-hearted emotion, to a really valuable guide.
So let’s put that into practice.
Your challenge this week is to explore your jealousy. And here’s how (this exercise is also inspired by The Artist’s Way):
Make a list of at least 5 people of whom you are jealous.
For each person, first let yourself really feel your jealousy. Let it flare up, and look at it.
Then, ask yourself what am I jealous of about this person? Get really specific. “They have a creative job,” or “they have fantastic clothes” or “they always seem really at peace with themselves.” Write it down!
Once you’ve made the list, look it over. What trends do you notice? Are you jealous of other people’s closets? Jobs? Confidence? Boyfriends? What could you start changing in your own life, based on what you’ve found?
Superfans may notice that I originally shared this essay back in 2017. While I’m on maternity leave, I’m sharing some of the best posts from my archives — I hope you enjoy! :)
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
"Should I trust my gut or listen to others?"
I just want to set the record straight:
You can take care of yourself better than anyone else in the world.
Yes, of course, we need help.
Yes, of course, we can’t do it alone.
Yes, of course, we must draw on the wisdom and guidance of professionals and parents and family members and friends and doctors and lawyers.
Yes, of course, we can’t be subject matter experts on everything.
But you know what I see happening, far too often?
Brilliant, caring women and men feel overwhelmed and lost and insecure because we've forgotten…no one can take care of us better than we can.
Sure, all of those “experts” might have opinions till they are blue in the face….
But only you can know whether you need twelve hours of sleep tonight, or five.
Whether you need a spinach salad or an apple tart.
Whether you need to push through to finish the project or take a break.
Whether you need a big hug or a big scream or a big whole afternoon alone.
We know what we need if we are willing to listen.
What do you need, today?
Right now?
…
Superfans may notice that I originally shared this post back in 2018. While I’m on maternity leave, I’m sharing some of my “best-of” posts from my archives — I hope you enjoy! :)
I know you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
One of my role models
I originally wrote this in 2015, but wanted to re-share it, with some edits, in honor of Mother’s Day, and because a newsletter reader recently told me that it was her favorite piece I’ve ever written. (Ever! What an honor!)
…
I learned about exercise by watching my mom.
For my entire life, my mom has taken daily, 3-mile walks. She’s not fancy or precious about it – she just laces up her sneakers, wears old shorts and a t-shirt, and walks the same route in our neighborhood every single day.
It takes her about 45 minutes. But if she doesn’t have much time, she’ll squeeze in a 20- or 30-minute walk.
That’s it.
Here is a photo of me and my mom, before my wedding.
The thing that I have come to appreciate, particularly as I’ve gotten older, is how un-fussy and easy she is about it.
She’s not looking for a form of exercise that is painful, or that she dreads.
On the contrary, she walks because it makes her feel good – it clears her mind and makes her feel calm and happy.
She likes being outside, and she doesn’t have time to drive to an exercise class.
Of course, she also does it because it’s good exercise. Walking nearly every day for most of her life has helped her to stay fit and healthy and looking good, in my humble daughterly opinion (hi mom!). But walking isn’t something that is intensely painful or only feels good “after.” It feels good from the first step.
Part of the reason I wanted to share my mom’s story is because I’ve come to realize how deeply powerful behavioral modeling can be. It’s one thing to “get” something intellectually, and it’s a very different thing to see it in action, over and over.
I saw my mom lace up her sneakers, walk out the front door, and return revived and refreshed, every day of my life.
It wasn’t a big deal.
It wasn’t hard or painful.
It didn’t take much time.
It didn’t cost anything.
It didn’t require a ton of willpower.
She liked it, it was easy and felt good. So she did it every day.
I think that too often the “role models” for fitness that we see and think we should aspire to are people who are running marathons, or who have perfectly toned arms or six-pack abs. We think that we're supposed to want and work toward that level of fitness.
And we often think that it has to be time-consuming, expensive, complicated, or painful.
My mom showed me a different way.
Of course, I’ve tried intense workouts over the years. And I do enjoy a Pilates or yoga class once or twice a week, even though I have to drive to them, and they cost money.
But I always come back to my daily walk.
So I wanted to share it with you. Both to talk about exercise and about role models in general.
To talk about exercise: I don’t see this approach to exercise –moderate, super-easy, not-painful, cheap, and pleasant – advertised as much as I think it should be. With that in mind, my challenge for you this week is to take a walk. I mean it. If you live in a place where it is safe to do so, put on those sneakers, get outside, and move in a way that isn't hard.
To talk about role models: So often, our role models are super-intense, at-the-top-of-their-fields, could-be-on-the-cover-of-a-magazine kind of people. But is that who our role models should truly be?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
Not a fan of 5-year-plans? Here's some other goal setting strategies to try
Some time ago, a coach whom I’d met socially suggested that we get lunch. Over tasty cold noodles in Koreatown, we both talked about our coaching practices, our training, and life in general.
Then she asked me what my five-year plan was.
“I don’t have a five-year plan,” I told her simply. “I mean, I have ideas for things I want to do. I know how I want to feel. But I don’t have a precise five-year goal or plan.”
“Me neither,” she confessed, laughing a little. “Isn’t it weird how we’re always trying to get our clients to set goals like that, but we don’t make them ourselves?”
I shrugged. “I don’t ask my clients to set five year plans.”
I think about this conversation a lot. Part of our difference in perspective was due to the diversity of coaches in the world (I wrote more about that here) — she and I had trained in different coaching methodologies and coached in very different ways.
But also, I wouldn’t be surprised if she urged clients to set five-year plans because the idea of a five-year plan is so darn alluring. Many people seek out coaching because they feel lost, stuck, or frustrated in their lives, and the idea of having an official, precise “plan” can feel like a very neat resolution to that problem.
To be clear, I’m not opposed to five-year plans — there are times when they can be essential, and I’m happy to support clients in creating them when appropriate.
But also, the reality of life is that it’s often not linear. We often can’t truly see eighteen steps ahead. We can create a shiny and precise five-year plan, and then it doesn’t actually make sense for us six months later.
So, in that spirit, I wanted to share a couple of alternative ideas, for when you’re craving a five-year plan:
Get clear on your next right step, and take it.
Five-year plans are fantastic, but many of us know what our next right step (or two, or three) is… and we’re still not taking it. We could make a list of the things we know we know that we definitely want to move forward on… and we’re not doing those things.
I don’t say this to make you feel embarrassed. I say this because just executing our next right step is often friggin’ hard and surprisingly complex — it requires overcoming not insubstantial obstacles, internally or externally. So rather than dreaming twenty-four steps in the future, why not spend that time really going deep on why that single next right step hasn’t happened yet?
Ask yourself: Am I taking care of my basics?
Sometimes, we’re feeling anxious or stressed or disappointed in ourselves not because we’re actually totally off in life, but rather because we haven’t been taking care of the essential basics.
These basics will vary from person to person — maybe we haven’t been sleeping, eating well, taking breaks, or moving — or maybe we’ve been spending too much time on screens. For me, my “basics” also means that I’m putting in at least some time on projects that may not be urgent, but really matter to me. This and this are some ideas for “basics” to start with.Strengthen your Inner Compass
Many of us want a five year plan because we feel like: (1) we’re going in the wrong direction in our lives, or (2) we don’t know what direction to go in. In other words, we feel disconnected from our Inner Compasses, which tell us the right direction to go in. (I know that feeling well!)
Having a strong Inner Compass is, in my opinion, more useful than a 5-year plan; a functional Inner Compass should be a highly flexible instrument that will help you get yourself pointed in the right direction now, and make all of the many, many course adjustments that will be needed as you move forward. It’s something that I often work with my coaching clients on in a lot of detail, but here are a couple of ways to get started on your own (one, two, three).
I’d take a strong inner compass over a five-year plan any day because an Inner Compass is inherently flexible — it’s capable of taking in new information, and adjusting.Remind yourself: We’re all just figuring it out, one step at a time.
Or just read this killer Joseph Campbell quote.
…
And if you still want to make a five-year plan, great! It can be an incredibly useful tool. I just don’t think it’s a requirement for a satisfying or productive life.
I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
A quiz, helpful to help you figure out what you want
Today, I have a quick, helpful 3-question quiz for you (who doesn’t love a quiz?):
Question #1: How do you feel, in this moment?
Answers to this question must be physical sensations — things that you can feel in your body. “Sad” or “Happy” are not physical sensations.
You might have an easier time if you used this great list — try to complete the sentence “I feel ______ in my ______” (e.g., I feel buzzy in my belly. I feel fluttery in my chest.)
Question #2: How do you want to feel today?
Answers must also be actual physical sensations — “I want to feel light and energized today.”
Question #3:What actions can you take, today, to feel that way in your body?
Be realistic, please.
…
So often, when we think about what we “want,” we think about what we want to achieve (“I want to get everything done on my to-do list”) or emotions we want to feel (“I want to feel happy!”)
Achievements and emotions are great, but they can also be surprisingly difficult to control. Maybe you’d like to do everything on your to-do list, there simply isn’t time, or the other people’s actions get in the way. Maybe you do everything “right,” but you still don’t feel happy!
Physical sensations, however, are often more within our control.
I might not be able to “force” myself to be happy, but if I notice that I want to feel “relaxed and open,” I can take actions that make me feel more relaxed and open in my body — even in the midst of an incredibly busy day or at a crowded social event. And if I feel more relaxed and open, I will have an overall improved sense of well-being — even if I still have some lingering sadness, for example.
When I took this quiz, at 2:14 pm on a Tuesday, I noticed that I was feeling a little trembly and fluttery in my chest and belly. I’d like to feel spacious and calm.
I spent a couple of moments thinking about what I wanted to prioritize, for my afternoon and evening (stretching my body, not filling every moment of downtime with entertainment, staying off of the internet except for work). Sure, I already knew that those things made me feel good, but if I hadn’t done this exercise, I probably would have spent my time differently.
So, how do you want to feel today? What actions can you take that will help you feel that way?
p.s. Given the season that we’re in, this is a great one to do before a challenging (or even very exciting!) holiday party or event.
You’ve got this.
Katie
One way to tell if a choice is "right"
Here’s a reminder: Don’t forget that there are levels of “yes.”
A “hell yes” is not the same as a “just-clearing-the-bar yes.”
There’s a “good-enough-for-this-year yes” and a “good-enough-for-today yes”
A “slight yes," a "moderate yes," and a "strong yes"
Different decisions require different levels of “yes.” Just because it’s a “yes” of some kind, doesn’t mean you should do it. Time and energy and money are all limited and sometimes you’ve gotta make hard trade-offs.
Lately, I’ve been talking to a lot of people about whether or not to get married to someone they’re dating. It’s been coming up with old friends, and also with people I've just met. Marriage is a complex, personal decision, but I found myself saying this over and over, and it seemed to resonate just about every time. I think it applies to other decisions, too — what job to take, where to live, and whether get ice cream or buy those sequined shoes.
So, in case it is helpful: Don’t forget that there are levels of “yes.” Just because it’s a “yes,” doesn’t mean you should do it.
You’ve got this.
Katie
Why a 5-year-plan may not work
Just a quickie for you this week — a quote that’s been swirling inside of me lately:
“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path.
“You own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
— Joseph Campbell
How many of us have anxiety, fear, or hesitation because we can’t see the next eighteen steps of our path?
How many of us cling to paths that may not be right for us, simply because they offer more clarity, certainty, and well… a path forward?
Of course, it’s sometimes true that you do know the next eighteen things you need or want to do. On the first day of medical school, perhaps.
But often — and especially with big life questions — you don’t.
Often the path is made with every step you take.
Often you can only see one step in front of you at a time.
What’s stopping you from taking that next right step?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
Ever have a vague sense that something is "off"? Don't ignore it
Sometimes what’s wrong feels nebulous:
It’s a subtle feeling of “not-rightness” that we only get in moments when we don’t have a lot to do.
It’s a nagging feeling in our belly that we need to make a change.
It's like we can only “see” what’s wrong out of the corner of our eye. And it's blurry.
Even more confusingly, we might feel fine a lot of the time! We go to work, spend time with our friends, our partners, go to the gym, and enjoy delicious meals. A lot of our lives are great!
And yet, we can’t shake the feeling: Something isn’t right. Something is “off.”
Here’s my suggestion: don’t ignore that feeling.
That feeling is important. It’s even life-affirming, even though it might also feel vague and confusing. But precisely because it's vague and confusing, and because there are concrete things that we've gotta get done in the here and now — laundry to do, reports to write, friends to see — we have a tendency to push it aside. I'll deal with it later, we think.
And then we never actually deal with it later.
Here’s what I know for sure about this nebulous feeling of not-rightness: you have to stay in the question.
“Staying in the question” means not ignoring it. In fact, "staying in the question" means revisiting this feeling that something's off and asking, What’s wrong? and What needs my attention? and What am I resisting?
Feelings like this respond well to patient curiosity, but it may take some time. (And, of course, support can be quite helpful.)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
It's okay to change your mind
Here’s a reminder:
“You always have the right to change your mind.”
Even if you’d done something a certain way in the past…
Even if you thought something different before…
You still have the right to change your mind.
Now.
Here.
Today.
(That quote is from the always-wise Oprah, in this generally delightful video)
I’m rooting for you.
Katie
Life doesn't feel right? You might be having a "breakdown" (And that might be a good thing)
One of the first lessons I learned when I trained to be a coach was about “breakdowns”. My coaching school, New Ventures West, defines a “breakdown” as “non-obviousness”*.
Take a moment to let that sink in. Breakdown is when you experience non-obviousness.
Something about your life doesn’t feel right, and it’s not obvious what the problem is.
You are in a new or challenging situation, and it’s not obvious what the next, best move would be.
You know what you should do or want to do, and it’s not obvious why you aren’t doing it.
Most of us intuitively understand that we might be in “breakdown” if something major in our lives was going off the rails —our career or our marriage, for example. But the radical thing about defining breakdown as “a state of non-obviousness” is that if we’re paying attention, we are all frequently in a breakdown.
Think about it. If we’re really paying attention, we probably find ourselves in a state of non-obviousness perhaps even multiple times a day.
It might not be obvious what the best way is to deal with a challenging relationship at work.
It might not be obvious what the best way is to prioritize our personal finances.
It might not be obvious what our goals are at work or at home.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re failing at any of those things. Most of us are quite competent people who make it through just fine, most of the time! It just means that if we were really paying attention, we’d notice that there are more situations than we thought when we’re not really sure what is best for us.
And when things aren't obvious, life can get really interesting. We can question assumptions and ideas that we thought were set in stone. We can explore and try new things, from a genuinely curious place. We can get advice and support because we don't expect to be able to figure it all out on our own.
If we let ourselves be in a breakdown, it can sometimes lead us to truly thriving in the world.
…
Which leads me to ask: In what areas of your life are you currently experiencing “non-obviousness”? How could you behave differently, by embracing that reality?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
* New Ventures West was inspired by Heidegger’s work in developing this definition of “breakdown.” I am not a Heidegger scholar, but my understanding is that it comes from a combination of two terms in his work: “breakdown of transparency” and “breakdown of obviousness”.
A reminder, when you're trying to figure out what you want in life
Here’s a Sunday Reminder:
You probably do know.
As in, if there’s something in your life — in your career or a relationship or personal choices — that you “don’t know” what to do about, there’s a good chance that you know more than you think.
Have you taken time to really be alone, unstimulated, and reflect on the question? There’s a good chance you’ll be able to get clear on:
What you do know right now
What experiments or actions you need to try next, in order to find out more
Who or what might be able to support you in figuring out more
What is un-knowable for the moment
Many of us use “I don’t know” as shorthand for “this is a hard situation.” But hard situations are precisely when we shouldn’t lie to ourselves about what we know!
You probably know a lot already. You probably know plenty to get started.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
“Can I trust myself?”
I was buying some fancy bread at Whole Foods, when the friendly cashier with two buns on the top of his head asked me what I did for a living.
I told him I was a life coach, and he perked up. “What’s the most common thing you tell your clients to do?” he asked me as he looked for the code for my sourdough boule.
It took me a second, because I talk to my clients about so many things, and they all have such different styles and needs and goals. I started stammering something about how I don’t tell them what to do, at all (who wants to be told what to do?!)…but then it hit me:
I tell them to trust themselves, I told the nice cashier.
When I got home, I found myself wanting to tell the same thing to you, whether you are my client or whether we will ever meet:
I think you can trust yourself.
I really do.
And one more thing: If you think you can’t trust yourself, it’s probably because your internal life is complex. Sometimes inner complexity may mean we seem to be doing things that aren’t good for us — like eating or using the internet too much, or procrastinating — but often, if we dig deep enough, there are parts of us that have good intentions but are hurting us because we aren’t in touch with the whole story.
Another part of having a complex inner life can also mean that there are so many voices, we don’t know what to trust. That can make us feel overwhelmed or frustrated or stuck.
So I’m not saying that learning to listen to and trust yourself might not require some work or deep self-examination.
But I am saying: I think your deepest, truest self is trustworthy.
And, of course, if you ever need help listening to your full story, or learning how to trust yourself again (it can be hard!), I’m here. I offer free calls with anyone who’s interested in coaching, so you can learn more about the coaching process, ask any questions you have, and see whether it seems like a good fit. Here’s how you can request a free call with me, if you’d like.
How to get better at knowing what you want for yourself
As a life coach, people come to me with all kinds of difficulties.
My job as a coach isn’t to tell them what to do. Instead, I help them reconnect with their own truth, so they can figure out their own next steps — now and in the future.
A very common tool that I use for that process is emptiness.
I know, I know, “emptiness” doesn’t sound sexy or exciting. But I promise it's crucial to helping yourself out of just about any personal difficulty you find yourself in.
I recorded a video for you – check it out below.
After you watch the video, promise me you’ll take even 60 seconds to do the practice I suggest. Pretty please? I know it’ll help.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
A reminder about trusting yourself
I just want to set the record straight:
You can take care of yourself better than anyone else in the world.
Yes, of course, we need help.
Yes, of course, we can’t do it alone.
Yes, of course, we must draw on the wisdom and guidance of professionals and parents and family members and friends and doctors and lawyers.
Yes, of course, we can’t be subject matter experts on everything.
But you know what I see happening, far too often?
Brilliant, caring women and men feel overwhelmed and lost and insecure because we've forgotten…no one can take care of us better than we can.
Sure, all of those “experts” might have opinions till they are blue in the face….
But only you can know whether you need twelve hours of sleep tonight, or five.
Whether you need a spinach salad or an apple tart.
Whether you need a big hug or a big scream or a big whole afternoon alone.
We know what we need if we are willing to listen.
What do you need, today? Right now?
If you'd like to share, let us know in the comments :)
Like always, I’m rooting for you.
Katie
Do you feel jealous of others' success? Here's why it can be useful.
Do you ever feel jealous?
I know that I sure do. Sometimes my jealousy is this bubbling, sizzling, boiling thing inside of me.
And, for a long time, that made me feel terrible. Feeling jealous made me feel petty, unkind, and small-hearted. Especially when the people that I was jealous of were close to me – friends or family members. Why can’t I just be happy for them?
But then I read something by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way that totally changed my perspective.
Cameron argues that our jealousy is a “map” to what we most want in the world.
Even more importantly:
“Jealousy is always a mask for fear: fear that we aren’t able to get what we want; frustration that somebody else seems to be getting what is rightfully ours even if we are too frightened to reach for it.”
Jealousy is just a sign that we want for ourselves what other people have. But the truth is, we can have it, too — we just have to get over our fear and reach for it.
Cameron was never jealous of female novelists, because she had written several novels. But she always felt extremely jealous of women playwrights (or, as she writes, she had an “unhealthy interest in [their] fortunes and misfortunes.”)
It wasn’t until she wrote a play herself that she stopped being jealous, and instead felt only camaraderie. “My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do but was not yet brave enough to take action toward.”
I have found this to be true time and again in my life.
I was jealous of some business school students I knew because it seemed like they were completely confident about their path, while I was floundering and flopping.
I was jealous of a speech therapist I knew for the sensual, grounded, confident way she seemed to inhabit the world.
And I found myself jealous of baristas at my local coffee shop because they just seemed so chill, while I am prone to overthinking and over-worrying.
After a lot of introspection, I came to understand that I wanted my own certainty about my career path (like the business school students), ease in my body (like the speech therapist), and a softer, more open way of being in the world (like the baristas).
And I started to think about what I needed to do to make that happen.
Two things are important to notice about this.
To accurately decode your jealousy, you need to be specific. I wasn’t jealous of business school students because I want to go to business school myself. I was jealous because they seemed so certain and confident in the path they’d taken. Jealousy itself is an amorphous, boiling-over emotion and sensation. It doesn’t tell you much, except that you are jealous. You have to take some time to untangle your feelings and figure out what they are telling you.
Jealousy tells you a lot about yourself, but not that much about other people. Those baristas might have been brimming with internal anxiety despite a chill exterior, and those business school students might have been 100% lost about their life path. I honestly don’t know. I didn’t know any of those people that well. What people project on the outside is often not the same as what they feel on the inside. Jealousy is only a reflection of what I perceive about them, not their own internal truth.
If you use it right, jealousy can go from feeling like an ugly, small-hearted emotion, to a really valuable guide.
So let’s put that into practice.
Your challenge this week is to explore your jealousy. And here’s how (this exercise is also inspired by The Artist’s Way):
Make a list of at least 5 people of whom you are jealous.
For each person, first let yourself really feel your jealousy. Let it flare up, and look at it.
Then, ask yourself what am I jealous of about this person? Get really specific. “They have a creative job,” or “they have fantastic clothes” or “they always seem really at peace with themselves.” Write it down!
Once you’ve made the list, look it over. What trends do you notice? Are you jealous of other people’s closets? Jobs? Confidence? Boyfriends? What could you start changing in your own life, based on what you’ve found?
In the comments below, let me know: What are you jealous of about other people? What’s one change you could make in your life based on what you found?
You’ve got this!
Katie
One thing that might help you find your direction in life
I spent this past week in DC, having a picnic dinner in front of the capitol building and wandering in some adorable neighborhoods – just walking through new neighborhoods (and stopping in new bakeries) is my absolute favorite thing to do when I’m in a new place.
And I was thinking about something I wanted to ask you.
Something that might sound impossible.
Who would you be if you stopped pushing?
No really.
What would it be like?
What would your day look like if you stopped just making yourself do things because there’s so much to get done and you’re always behind?
What would happen to your life if you were abstinent from the okay, I know I don’t feel like it but I really have to get this last thing home and then run those three errands and then do dinner.
If you thought to yourself: Everything would fall apart, I can relate. I used to be an excellent pusher. Pushing to do homework, pushing to do job work, pushing to be a good friend, a good girlfriend, an accomplished woman in the world.
But when I started to investigate why I was always eating in ways that made my life painful – eating more than I wanted, or not actually getting pleasure from food – I found that it was often linked to the Pushing.
Almost every time I was overeating, I was pushing myself – to work when I didn’t want to work, to be social with people I didn’t want to be social with, to achieve things that I didn’t actually want.
Some deeper part of me was saying no, stop! But the pusher part wanted to keep going. So I continued, but I needed something to dull the pain.
And so there was food. And also Facebook. And Internet browsing. We all have our peccadillos that we use to tranquilize the pain that comes from not listening closely enough to our deepest selves.
The peccadillos themselves aren’t the problem – food, Facebook, and Internet browsing are all great, in and of themselves. So are Instagram and Twitter and HGTV and reading the news, or whatever it is that you use to disconnect and numb. The problem is that when we use these things to quiet our internal truth, we lose the opportunity to get incredibly valuable information about our likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams.
So instead of allowing that information to affect us, we push through, pretending that it doesn't exist. And as a result, we feel hard, stiff, and tight in our chests and our backs and our jaws. And tired.
But what does the alternative feel like? What would it feel like not to push?
I mean, what would your body actually feel like if you stopped pushing it to do errands and be nice and get things done and go and do and try and strive and smile and plan and push?
If you can, close your eyes and just feel that for a second.
When I imagine taking the push away, it’s like I lose my bones and muscles, and my arms, legs, fingers, and toes. It’s like I’m suddenly a blob of Jell-O – tingly, bobbing Jell-O.
Is that how you feel?
I’ll admit, it’s very scary to take the push away. Even thinking about it might make you nervous.
I need to work!
I need to tell people I love them!
I need to pay my bills and buy groceries!
I definitely have those fears when I think about not pushing.
But then I ask myself (or, frankly, my very wise boyfriend asks), why are you assuming that if you don’t push, you won’t work or take care of people you love or pay bills or buy groceries?
Yes, it might shake things up in your life.
If you took away the push, you might realize that the work you actually want to do is different from the work that you’re doing now, or that the people you want to spend time with are different from the people you’re spending time with now.
You might even find that what you’d like to eat is different from what you’re eating now.
And yes, we all have responsibilities. If you have a job, you probably can’t suddenly decide that you’re not going to “push” and make yourself go this week. But by integrating more and more non-pushing moments into your life, you can begin to ask whether your life is aligned with your true desires.
But maybe you’re wondering: How do I stop pushing?
My recommendation is that you mentally give yourself permission to give up all of your to-dos or supposed-to-dos, for an hour or an afternoon. Starting with a defined period of time – even 15 minutes – is a good idea.
And you start by sitting in a chair and noticing what it feels like not to have to do anything.
I’ll be honest, it usually feels uncomfortable. You get fidgety.
You'll also notice that feelings and sensations come up when you stop having to do anything.
And, eventually, you feel a genuine urge to do something. To walk or eat or call a friend or even (it really does happen) to work or exercise or pay your bills. I’m always shocked when I find myself wanting to do something practical when I’m not “pushing” myself to do it, but it really does happen, and it happens often.
It’s a subtle difference, but an important one.
So that’s my challenge to you this week. Pick at least an hour (or better yet, a whole afternoon) when you don’t absolutely have to do something and let go of the Push. Sit down in a chair and feel how uncomfortable it is to not be moving onto anything else that your brain has decided is on your to-do list, and also not numbing out. Wait until you are pulled to do something.
If you are someone who struggles with a compulsive relationship to food, alcohol, money, etc., notice how this affects that relationship. When the push drops away for me, I find myself much, much less interested in food.
What do you think of this idea? Have you ever tried it, or would you? Let me know in the comments below!
I know you’ve got this.
Katie