On deep and meaningful connections + going first
Here’s something that took me forever to learn:
Sometimes you have to go first.
As in: If you’d like a relationship — or even just a conversation — that’s meaningful, one in which you feel seen and like you really connect to the other person… you may have to go first.
“Going first” means that you choose to be honest and even a little vulnerable about how you’re doing or what’s on your mind.
It means that when someone asks you “how’s your week been?” or “what’s on your mind lately?” you give a deeper answer — not just the surface-level, small-talk answer.
This isn’t to say that you should spill your guts on the table! But it is to say that you share something meaty, something authentic and that could lead to a deeper conversation, if the other person chooses to engage.
Here’s another way of saying it:
Have you ever had an interaction where, completely by surprise, you felt really connected to the other person?
Often that’s because the other person went first. They chose to take the conversation to a deeper place. It’s so fun when the other person does this. Now that we’re being open, it’s safe for me to be open, too! Whew!
But if we want to have connections that feel deeper, more authentic, and more intimate, we can’t always wait for the other person to take us there. We will sometimes have to go first.
…
Whenever I coach a group (like the Dessert Club Mastermind), my top priority is to “go first.” I’ll start each session by sharing how I’m doing, or what it was like for me to engage with the issues we’re discussing. I want to set the tone for authenticity, vulnerability, and depth for the group, so everyone else feels more comfortable “going there,” too. And I’m always amazed by how people really do “show up” emotionally, once I’ve set that tone.
(It’s also worth saying that sometimes, even if you go first, the other person won’t engage. That’s okay — again, you haven’t spilled your guts on the table, you’ve just given them an opening to depth by sharing something true about yourself or how you interpret the world.)
Here’s another way of saying “you have to go first”: Look for opportunities to go deep.
If you look for opportunities to go deep with other people — to be authentic and real — you’re more likely to find them.
You’ll both be glad you did.
You’ve got this.
Katie
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