Who do you become when you’re awkward? (A personal story)

I started taking tango classes last July. My weekly classes have felt profoundly nourishing for so many reasons: The dancing! The thinking with my body-not-my-mind! The shoes!

And another reason is that it’s put me into contact with a bunch of adults I’ve never met before, who are just there to have fun + learn.

The minimal chit-chatting before class, after class, and between dances has been nourishing in a way I didn’t expect. It turns out that after COVID, working as a solopreneur, and having young kids, I haven’t been making that much chill, friendly adult chit-chat anymore.

And yet, I’ve also noticed that I often feel mildly awkward, in these social interactions with people I don’t know.

And when I’m awkward, I get jokey.

I smile extra big.
I make more jokes.
I take every interaction as a possibility to be playful.

Truthfully, from the outside, it probably just seems like I’m a friendly, fun person.

And I am a friendly, fun person. That’s a true, real side of me.

But also: my playful, jokey side is something I lean on and escalate, when I feel awkward. And when I turn up the volume on my jokiness, I miss out on the chance to have a slightly deeper, slightly more authentic interaction.

…

A short aside about authentic interaction: it’s not that I expect to have the deepest conversation of my life while everyone is changing shoes after tango class.

But I do believe that there can be a subtle difference in the quality of conversation when I am present with myself and others, and choose to share something from my in-the-moment, direct experience.

Even if the conversation is still playful and fun, even if jokes are still made, it also feels… deeper, richer, and more connecting.

More thoughts on that here, if you like.

…

Noticing this about myself made me think of many of my clients, who all have their own crutches when they feel awkward:

One client gets extra sassy and sarcastic.
Another starts leading the conversation, sharing a lot of funny and interesting stories about herself.
Another defaults to listening — asking amazing questions, but sharing very little about herself.

Each of these crutches reflects something true about my clients — they are hilariously sarcastic, a dynamic storyteller, or an incredible listener, respectively.

But also, each of them can tell when they are turning up the volume on this quality as a crutch. And they can all tell that this crutch is causing them to lose out on the opportunity for more authentic, deeper connection.

…

I think the process for shifting from our personality crutches to more authentic interaction happens in three stages: after, before, and during.

Here’s how I’m trying to apply it to tango:

1. After
In the beginning, you’ll probably only be able to even notice that it’s happening…after it has already happened. I think the first step is just noticing: wow, I was kind of relying on that thing that I do when I feel awkward. I would like to show up a bit more authentically next time.

2. Before
Next time, before that kind of social interaction, you might set an intention. I’m going to say to myself: I’d like to show up a bit more authentically and present next time, instead of just defaulting to trying to say something funny.

3. During
I’m going to try remind to myself, 1-2x during tango class: to breathe, and to stay in my body. (Often when I feel awkward, I become just a floating head who is trying to say something funny and interesting.) At those times, I’ll try to repeat to myself: It’s okay to feel awkward and It’s okay for them to *see* you feeling a little awkward; you don’t have to hide it.

And then, also, I want to try to find opportunities to say something true, instead of something purely jokey, even if we’re just talking about something simple like how hard it can be to find time for hobbies when you have kids.

…

I wonder: what is your personality crutch when you feel awkward?

This week, you might notice where it shows up, and consider turning down the volume a bit to let your more authentic self show.

As always, I’m rooting for you.

Katie

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On deep and meaningful connections + going first

Here’s something that took me forever to learn:

Sometimes you have to go first.

As in: If you’d like a relationship — or even just a conversation — that’s meaningful, one in which you feel seen and like you really connect to the other person… you may have to go first.

 “Going first” means that you choose to be honest and even a little vulnerable about how you’re doing or what’s on your mind.

It means that when someone asks you “how’s your week been?” or “what’s on your mind lately?” you give a deeper answer — not just the surface-level, small-talk answer.

This isn’t to say that you should spill your guts on the table! But it is to say that you share something meaty, something authentic and that could lead to a deeper conversation, if the other person chooses to engage.

Here’s another way of saying it:

Have you ever had an interaction where, completely by surprise, you felt really connected to the other person?

Often that’s because the other person went first. They chose to take the conversation to a deeper place. It’s so fun when the other person does this. Now that we’re being open, it’s safe for me to be open, too! Whew!

But if we want to have connections that feel deeper, more authentic, and more intimate, we can’t always wait for the other person to take us there. We will sometimes have to go first.

 …

Whenever I coach a group (like the Dessert Club Mastermind), my top priority is to “go first.” I’ll start each session by sharing how I’m doing, or what it was like for me to engage with the issues we’re discussing. I want to set the tone for authenticity, vulnerability, and depth for the group, so everyone else feels more comfortable “going there,” too. And I’m always amazed by how people really do “show up” emotionally, once I’ve set that tone.

(It’s also worth saying that sometimes, even if you go first, the other person won’t engage. That’s okay — again, you haven’t spilled your guts on the table, you’ve just given them an opening to depth by sharing something true about yourself or how you interpret the world.)

Here’s another way of saying “you have to go first”: Look for opportunities to go deep.

If you look for opportunities to go deep with other people — to be authentic and real — you’re more likely to find them.

You’ll both be glad you did.

You’ve got this.

Katie

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