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My advice for when other people don't like you (part 2)
Last week, I wrote about what to do when people don’t like you, or judge you.
I wanted to share one more insight on this topic, which always seems to land with my clients:
5% of people won’t like you — no matter what you do.
So if someone doesn’t like you, all it means is that you’ve found someone in that 5%.
When our brain freaks out because someone doesn’t like us, it is usually because we have the implicit belief: 100% of people should like me.
And yet, this is a thinking error.
It is impossible that 100% of people will like you. In fact, some percent of people (which I call 5%, but you can pick a different percentage if you like) will dislike you no matter what you do.
They won’t like your hair because they don’t like brunettes.
They won’t like your sense of humor because it reminds them of their annoying brother.
They won’t like you, because their ex-best-friend likes you and they hate their ex-best-friend.
If you, in an attempt to make them like you, changed your hair color or sense of humor… some other group of people wouldn’t like that.
Of course, it’s not rocket science that you can’t please all the people all the time. And yet, when we are upset that someone doesn’t like us, that’s typically what we are upset about.
So it can be useful to explicitly cultivate the thought:
5% of people won’t like me — no matter what I do. Now I have found someone in that 5%.
…
Several weeks ago, one of my clients was sharing, with clear pain, how her work colleague just didn’t seem to like her very much. It bothered her; she was trying every tool in her toolkit to turn the relationship around. And then I shared this concept with her.
Oh, I *was* assuming that if I did everything right, 100% of people would like me, she said.
But maybe this is just someone in that 5%.
Maybe I don’t have to change how she thinks of me…*at all.*
Relief.
Calm.
Even some giggles.
And you better believe she showed up better in that relationship — more confident, more interesting, and yes — more like-able — when she wasn’t trying to get her colleague to like her so much.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If you’d like more comfortable with people not liking you all the time, while also having more authentic, deeper romantic relationships and friendships (and not feeling like your chest is tight from low-level anxiety/exhaustion all the time), you should definitely hire me as your life coach.
To learn more about my work, click here.
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My advice for when other people don't like you (part 1)
I’d like to make a radical suggestion:
When you fear that people are judging you — or even when you fear that they simply don’t like you — here’s what you should do:
Let them.
Let them think that you’re lazy.
Let them think you’re unintelligent.
Let them think you’re mean or inconsiderate.
Let them not like you.
Let them think all of those terrible things…. and do not try to change their minds.
And yes, this applies *even* to your boss/mom/best friend. It applies *especially* to them.
You might be surprised by what happens.
(What usually happens for me? Well, when I stop trying to manipulate them into thinking something positive about me… I feel radically more loving towards them. That, alone, loosens the relationship — and leads to many other positive results.)
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. I coach clients on all kinds of relationship issues — with their families, their partners, their friends, and their online dating profiles — and on everything from difficult conversations to people pleasing to loneliness to fostering deeper connections to setting effective boundaries (which often function differently than we assume). If you’d like to work with me, you can learn more here.
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Two reminders about decision-making + what others will think
Two quick reminders about other people + decision-making:
1. Other people may not understand a decision you make, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.
It’s simply the nature of life that sometimes you will make a decision that doesn’t make sense to them — or one that seems wrong or misguided.
No one — again, no one — will ever 100% “get you” like you get you. Even your soulmate. Even your best friend. Even your therapist.
(In other words: “This is your game.”)
2. Can you let them be wrong about you?
When other people doubt us, we often assume it means that we’re wrong.
But the Jedi-level Skill is the ability to do the opposite.
A Jedi has the capacity to say to herself: They’re simply mistaken.
And: I’m willing to let them be wrong about me.
…
I got this insight from Brooke Castillo, and it’s quite radical. If you can get comfortable with the idea that people will sometimes be wrong about you — and this can be okay, and you do not have to change their minds — you might just be ready to conquer the world.
(This is not, of course, to suggest that blind, unjustified confidence is the goal. It’s simply to say: the other person isn’t always right, either — and you get to decide what’s true.)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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On whether people like you at that outdoor, COVID-safe cocktail party
Many of us (me included!) might — you know, just sometimes — get a little anxious in social situations.
Maybe when there’s a cool-looking person at a party you’d like to befriend.
Or at Thanksgiving with your in-laws.
Or even with one of your oldest friends.
Our anxieties can take many forms…
Do they find me interesting / funny / smart?
Do they find me attractive / sexy?
Would they rather talk to someone else?
Do they want to be my friend?
And yet, they all boil down to the same fear: Do they like me?
Today I wanted to offer you a new thought to think, when you are worried about whether other people like you.
Here it is:
Instead of worrying whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like *them?*
Did you catch that?
Instead of worrying about whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like them?
I’ve played with this idea, and it has really shifted things for me. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
1. In meeting new people
I have long had mild social anxiety — I usually get a little anxious at a dinner party of all new people, for example. I often found the thought flitting across my mind: Katie, you are awkward and they probably don’t find you as interesting as the other people here.
But once I stayed focused on whether I liked them, and whether I want to get to know them better, it really shifted things for me.
Instead of trying to control them (“please, won’t you like me?!”), I just started paying much closer attention to them — to what they were saying, and to their whole way-of-being. Did I find them warm? Deep? Thoughtful?
This was much more relaxing to me, and I’m sure it made the people I spoke with more relaxed, too.
It also helped me realize: I don’t actually want to become friends with most people. Of course, I’m capable of chatting with almost anyone, and will be kind and respectful to everyone I meet!
But if I don’t feel “lit up” by another person, it doesn’t actually matter if they’d rather talk to someone else. I feel the same way about them!
2. In existing relationships where I didn’t feel cherished.
I have a few existing relationships where I felt that the other person — in various ways — didn’t seem to put in the “friendship work” for us to connect. I didn’t feel particularly valued, and I might have even started to feel hurt.
Asking “Do I like them?” changed everything for me.
If I realized that I didn’t actually value them that much, then it was fine that they seemed to be a bit checked out from the relationship. I realized it would make sense for me to “check out” a bit, too.
If I realized that I did deeply value the relationship, then I was willing to do the majority of the “friendship work,” at least for the time being. It was a relationship I valued!
…
One more thing:
I was talking about this concept with a client recently, and she wondered whether it was a bit egotistical, to focus on whether she liked other people.
From my perspective, it’s actually the opposite.
When we’re worried whether the other person likes us, we are typically “performing” — trying to make ourselves liked. We’re not showing up with the authenticity that typically leads to the most meaningful, lasting relationships.
But when we ask whether we like them, we’re being honest — with ourselves, and with them. If the relationship does form, it forms on the foundation of authenticity and a true, genuine desire to connect. That’s the kind of friendship that will be best for them, and for you.
…
Here’s your homework:
In a social situation, when you notice yourself worried about being liked, ask: do I like them?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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