My advice for when other people don't like you (part 1)

I’d like to make a radical suggestion: 

When you fear that people are judging you — or even when you fear that they simply don’t like you — here’s what you should do:

Let them.

Let them think that you’re lazy.
Let them think you’re unintelligent.
Let them think you’re mean or inconsiderate.
Let them not like you.

Let them think all of those terrible things…. and do not try to change their minds.

And yes, this applies *even* to your boss/mom/best friend. It applies *especially* to them.

You might be surprised by what happens.

(What usually happens for me? Well, when I stop trying to manipulate them into thinking something positive about me… I feel radically more loving towards them. That, alone, loosens the relationship — and leads to many other positive results.) 

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie





p.s. I coach clients on all kinds of relationship issues — with their families, their partners, their friends, and their online dating profiles — and on everything from difficult conversations to people pleasing to loneliness to fostering deeper connections to setting effective boundaries (which often function differently than we assume). If you’d like to work with me, you can learn more here.

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One way to improve your sense of belonging - that doesn't require anyone else to do anything

Belonging is something that most of us crave.

The sense that we’re held + safe within a community that cares for us — there’s certainly nothing more primal. The lack of it, and we ache.

So often, we can feel that we need to change ourselves, mold ourselves, to a community to find that belonging. Chop ourselves down, or add bulky armor that never quite feels real.

And yet, my favorite thoughts on belonging point to a different way. In Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness, she shares a conversation between Bill Moyers and Maya Angelou, on public television in 1973:

Moyers: Do you belong anywhere?

Angelou: I haven’t yet.

Moyers: Do you belong to anyone?

Angelou: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very much concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and courage very much. And when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t…that doesn’t please me — then I have to deal with that.

This exchange, and Angelou’s wisdom, has been swirling inside of me recently. So often, we define “belonging” as something that’s about other people, about what people outside of ourselves do or do not give us.

But what if the only “belonging” that truly matter is whether you belong to yourself?

So I’ll ask: do you belong to yourself? If not, why not?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie