Blog
Two simple questions to help you make decisions
Just a quickie this week.
I want to offer you two questions for when you are making just about any decision:
What are your reasons?
Do you like your reasons?
(That second one has not infrequently blown my mind. So often my default decisions are made for reasons I don't like — fear, people-pleasing, scarcity, avoidance of agitation, and more. These two questions give me the chance to be intentional about my reasons.)
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!
On making big life decisions + turning down a "yes"
Leaving a “no” isn’t actually that hard of a decision.
If the job, relationship, or city clearly isn’t right, it’s not so hard to break ties. You might not be able to make a change right away, but you know what’s true.
The hardest decision is to leave a “yes.”
A relationship might be “yes” — it might have a lot of love in it.
A job might be a “yes” — it might have people you like or a great industry.
A place might be a “yes.”
And yet.
And yet, for some things, a “yes” isn’t good enough.
For some things, you need to have a higher standard. “Hell yes,” perhaps.
Naming that a “yes” isn’t good enough doesn’t mean that you are impossible to please, that you’ll never be satisfied, or that you’re afraid of commitment.
(Any of those things could be true. But is it true about this?)
…
Here’s a personal story:
A few years ago, while taking a long walk around the Silverlake Reservoir, I listened to a friend tell me about a relationship he was in. His partner was smart, interesting, and kind. He really cared about her and was considering marriage.
The relationship was a “yes.”
And yet.
And yet, as he spoke, it was clear that the relationship wasn’t a “hell yes.”
I told my friend that a “yes” might not be good enough for the decision about whether to get married. I told him that, from experience, I knew a “hell yes” could exist.
Shockingly, he took my advice — and ended the relationship. Within a few months, he started dating his “hell yes” partner.
Now, they are planning their wedding for September.
I will be officiating.
…
I’ll repeat: the hardest decision isn’t leaving a “no.”
The hardest decision is leaving a “yes” because some deep part of you thinks that a “hell yes” might be out there for you.
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!
Struggle to make decisions or know what you want? The brain has limitations - and here's what to do instead
A lot of my clients come to me with a problem that they have trouble describing. They’ll say something like: “my life looks pretty decent on paper, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”
They’ve often put off getting support because, well, is this a real problem? Or are they just being whiny?
But eventually, they can’t ignore it. What was once a subtle feeling of “not-right-ness” has gotten stronger and stronger. They’ve started to feel anxious or sad or insecure — like they’re trapped, or going through the motions in their lives. They sometimes wonder if they should quit their jobs or break up with their partners — do I just need to make a big, dramatic change?
They’ve thought about the issue from all sides…
…And thought
…and thought
…and thought about it.
There are many different things that can be useful in these types of situations. A coach can typically see things about you that you may find it hard to see on your own — and make suggestions that are tailored to your particular blind spots, or opportunities for growth.
But there’s one thing that I often tell them, and I thought I might tell you, too:
The brain has serious limitations in helping to chart the course of your life.
I say this as someone who was, for many years, a proud, card-carrying member of the “brain-first” club. I graduated with high honors from an Ivy League university, and then I worked at the top management consultancy in the world, for goodness sake! I was very focused on brainpower.
And yet…
And yet, even then, I felt a bit…lost. My life looked pretty good on paper, but I sometimes felt like the professional decisions I was making were a bit…un-anchored. I could make a pro-con list that would say one decision was right, and then make a pro-con list that would point me in the exact opposite direction.
I wanted a life that felt right to me, not just looked right.
So I worked with a coach. One thing that my coach taught me was that the brain has a tendency to spin. The brain can make arguments for just about anything — which is precisely why I was having that pro-con list problem!
…
I had, over the course of my life, heard other phrases. Phrases like:
Trust your gut.
Listen to your heart.
My body wanted (or didn’t want) that.
I’m sure there were moments where I “went with my gut.” But, if I was being honest, phrases like that seemed a little too woo-woo for me. I had a smart brain — I needed to use it.
My coach pointed me in a different direction.
She didn’t suggest turning off my smart brain. She just pointed out that there were other skills — ways of connecting to my “truth” that felt slower, deeper, and more true. Ways of knowing where there wasn’t so much fluttering + doubt. It involved connecting more deeply to my body, figuring out how to calm my nervous system, and listening in a different way.
(And to geek out for a moment: as it turns out, these kinds of “knowing” actually do use the brain, just often not the Prefrontal Cortex where most of our conscious thinking occurs. More on that here.)
…
So I wanted to tell you, in case you need it today:
Your brain is fabulous. Thank goodness for that smart Prefrontal Cortex of yours!
But also: Your conscious brain has limitations for charting the course of your life. In fact, it causes you to spin more than you really need to.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. if you’d like to explore some different ways to chart the course of your life…may I recommend life coaching? It was very potent for me. If you’re ever interested in working with me 1:1, you can learn more about my approach here.
Or the archives of my blog are filled with lots of free ideas + advice. Check them out!
Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday. It’s free! :)
An exercise to help you know what you need
Do you ever feel confused about what to do about a relationship, a next step, or a big (or small) decision in your life?
One of my favorite strategies for cutting through confusion is from Dr. Helene Brenner’s I Know I’m In There Somewhere. I thought it might be particularly useful to share now, because the new year is often a time when we want to make decisions and take action.
Dr. Brenner’s advice is to make a list of the things you do know.
Literally. That’s it.
Dr. Brenner suggests trying to complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as you can. This exercise sounds obvious, but I’ve been doing it recently and have found it to be shockingly (I mean it!) effective.
Here’s an example: Imagine that you hear in the middle of the afternoon that you didn’t get the promotion that you were expecting. You’re devastated and angry and have so many feelings and thoughts that it’s hard to know what to do. If you were doing this exercise, here’s where you might start:
I know…that I’m extremely disappointed.
I know…that I want to cry.
I know…that I feel ashamed to tell my partner I didn’t get the raise. I don’t want her to think that I’m not good at my job.
I know…that I’m angry because other people probably got promotions.
I know…that I feel inadequate.
Honestly, that might not seem that useful, at first. But, after fully noticing and writing down all of those things you know, you might know some other things:
I know…that I have so many feelings!
I know…that I want to take action, based on those feelings. I want to yell at someone, or quit my job because they obviously don’t appreciate me, or demand that my supervisor tell me what I did wrong!
Naming all of that, so specifically, might help you “know” some other things.
I know…that I need to deal with all of my emotions, first, before I take action. I’m not going to do anything productive in this headspace.
I know…that I can barely concentrate at my job right now.
I know…that I’m going to do the best I can for the last two hours of the day, but then go home as soon as possible and lick my wounds.
I know…that I need some comfort and support.
I know…that I’d like a hug from my partner.
I know…that I’d like a restful night.
I know…that I feel better knowing what I do know.
Of course, the situation isn’t fixed. This is only the beginning.
But the purpose of the exercise is to help you figure out what you know now, and what you don’t know yet. The person doing this exercise doesn’t yet know what they’ll do tomorrow or next week. That’s often true — often we can only know the next right step.
This exercise helped them figure out the next step that would be productive, and then they can try again tomorrow, to find the step after that.
Oh, and one more quick point about “knowing”: “I know I should” is not true knowing. I-know-I-should’s include: “I know I should leave him/get more organized/lose ten pounds.” Dr. Brenner points out: “No matter how accurate those statements may be, very rarely does change come from them, because you’re talking at yourself. You’re not coming from your inner experience — from what you truly know, sense, feel, or want.”
Did you catch that? If you actually want positive, helpful change to come from into your life, you need to lean into true knowing, not I-know-I-should’s.
…
So here’s an offering for your weekend: Pick an area where you feel stuck. Can you complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as possible? Challenge yourself to do it at least 20 times — what new insights or perspectives do you find?
If you’re in the mood to share, I’d love to hear how it goes for you!
Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every other Sunday. It’s free! :)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
A quiz, helpful to help you figure out what you want
Today, I have a quick, helpful 3-question quiz for you (who doesn’t love a quiz?):
Question #1: How do you feel, in this moment?
Answers to this question must be physical sensations — things that you can feel in your body. “Sad” or “Happy” are not physical sensations.
You might have an easier time if you used this great list — try to complete the sentence “I feel ______ in my ______” (e.g., I feel buzzy in my belly. I feel fluttery in my chest.)
Question #2: How do you want to feel today?
Answers must also be actual physical sensations — “I want to feel light and energized today.”
Question #3:What actions can you take, today, to feel that way in your body?
Be realistic, please.
…
So often, when we think about what we “want,” we think about what we want to achieve (“I want to get everything done on my to-do list”) or emotions we want to feel (“I want to feel happy!”)
Achievements and emotions are great, but they can also be surprisingly difficult to control. Maybe you’d like to do everything on your to-do list, there simply isn’t time, or the other people’s actions get in the way. Maybe you do everything “right,” but you still don’t feel happy!
Physical sensations, however, are often more within our control.
I might not be able to “force” myself to be happy, but if I notice that I want to feel “relaxed and open,” I can take actions that make me feel more relaxed and open in my body — even in the midst of an incredibly busy day or at a crowded social event. And if I feel more relaxed and open, I will have an overall improved sense of well-being — even if I still have some lingering sadness, for example.
When I took this quiz, at 2:14 pm on a Tuesday, I noticed that I was feeling a little trembly and fluttery in my chest and belly. I’d like to feel spacious and calm.
I spent a couple of moments thinking about what I wanted to prioritize, for my afternoon and evening (stretching my body, not filling every moment of downtime with entertainment, staying off of the internet except for work). Sure, I already knew that those things made me feel good, but if I hadn’t done this exercise, I probably would have spent my time differently.
So, how do you want to feel today? What actions can you take that will help you feel that way?
p.s. Given the season that we’re in, this is a great one to do before a challenging (or even very exciting!) holiday party or event.
You’ve got this.
Katie
Life doesn't feel right? You might be having a "breakdown" (And that might be a good thing)
One of the first lessons I learned when I trained to be a coach was about “breakdowns”. My coaching school, New Ventures West, defines a “breakdown” as “non-obviousness”*.
Take a moment to let that sink in. Breakdown is when you experience non-obviousness.
Something about your life doesn’t feel right, and it’s not obvious what the problem is.
You are in a new or challenging situation, and it’s not obvious what the next, best move would be.
You know what you should do or want to do, and it’s not obvious why you aren’t doing it.
Most of us intuitively understand that we might be in “breakdown” if something major in our lives was going off the rails —our career or our marriage, for example. But the radical thing about defining breakdown as “a state of non-obviousness” is that if we’re paying attention, we are all frequently in a breakdown.
Think about it. If we’re really paying attention, we probably find ourselves in a state of non-obviousness perhaps even multiple times a day.
It might not be obvious what the best way is to deal with a challenging relationship at work.
It might not be obvious what the best way is to prioritize our personal finances.
It might not be obvious what our goals are at work or at home.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re failing at any of those things. Most of us are quite competent people who make it through just fine, most of the time! It just means that if we were really paying attention, we’d notice that there are more situations than we thought when we’re not really sure what is best for us.
And when things aren't obvious, life can get really interesting. We can question assumptions and ideas that we thought were set in stone. We can explore and try new things, from a genuinely curious place. We can get advice and support because we don't expect to be able to figure it all out on our own.
If we let ourselves be in a breakdown, it can sometimes lead us to truly thriving in the world.
…
Which leads me to ask: In what areas of your life are you currently experiencing “non-obviousness”? How could you behave differently, by embracing that reality?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
* New Ventures West was inspired by Heidegger’s work in developing this definition of “breakdown.” I am not a Heidegger scholar, but my understanding is that it comes from a combination of two terms in his work: “breakdown of transparency” and “breakdown of obviousness”.