Beware moderately appealing life goals

Just a quick reminder this week: Beware the “moderately appealing” goals.

Katie Seaver, life coach, how do I figure out the right life goals, life goals, goal setting strategies, big decisions in life, how do I figure out what I want, life doesn't feel right

I got the term “moderately appealing” from Oliver Burkeman’s lovely book about time and productivity, Four Thousand Weeks. One of the biggest barriers to feeling fulfilled by our “finite lives”, Burkeman argues, is these “moderately appealing” goals:

The work opportunity that seems fairly interesting or financially attractive, but would take quite a bit more work.

The friendship that is pleasant, in a lot of ways. But not a hell yes.

The hobby that is fun, but not one of the most important things in your life.

I find that many of my clients have too many “moderately appealing” priorities — things they do care about, but which aren’t actually their top priorities.

In trying to do both the “moderately appealing” and the really-truly-high-priority things, they never have enough energy or time to give the really-truly-high-priorities what they really-truly-need.

(Or they are constantly exhausted, stressed, and hurried. Which does not lead to fulfillment, either.)

…

So I will ask: Is your finite life getting weighed down by too many “moderately appealing” goals?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

5/23/21 5/23/21

On making big life decisions + turning down a "yes"

Leaving a “no” isn’t actually that hard of a decision.

If the job, relationship, or city clearly isn’t right, it’s not so hard to break ties. You might not be able to make a change right away, but you know what’s true.

The hardest decision is to leave a “yes.”

Katie Seaver, life coach, making big life decisions, having a hard time making a decision, life doesn't feel right, how do you figure out what you actually need, what things do I want in life

A relationship might be “yes” — it might have a lot of love in it.

A job might be a “yes” — it might have people you like or a great industry.

A place might be a “yes.”

And yet.

And yet, for some things, a “yes” isn’t good enough.

For some things, you need to have a higher standard. “Hell yes,” perhaps.

Naming that a “yes” isn’t good enough doesn’t mean that you are impossible to please, that you’ll never be satisfied, or that you’re afraid of commitment.

(Any of those things could be true. But is it true about this?)

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Here’s a personal story:

A few years ago, while taking a long walk around the Silverlake Reservoir, I listened to a friend tell me about a relationship he was in. His partner was smart, interesting, and kind. He really cared about her and was considering marriage.

The relationship was a “yes.”

And yet.

And yet, as he spoke, it was clear that the relationship wasn’t a “hell yes.”

I told my friend that a “yes” might not be good enough for the decision about whether to get married. I told him that, from experience, I knew a “hell yes” could exist.

Shockingly, he took my advice — and ended the relationship. Within a few months, he started dating his “hell yes” partner.

Now, they are planning their wedding for September.

I will be officiating.

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I’ll repeat: the hardest decision isn’t leaving a “no.”

The hardest decision is leaving a “yes” because some deep part of you thinks that a “hell yes” might be out there for you.

As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.

Katie