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My parenting role model
Back in 2019, I read my favorite parenting “advice” essay of all time.
I was not a parent.
I was not even pregnant.
And yet, it inspired me as a human being. And now that I’m a parent, it inspires me even more.
The essay was called “My Mom was a Fast Food Cook”, and it was written by Mindy Berry Walker, who is now a mom with kids of her own, about her childhood in the 1970’s.
Walker’s mom, Mrs. Berry, was a full-time teacher, with three kids, who also played tennis nearly every afternoon after teaching.
Just let that sink in — especially if you’re a parent.
Full-time teacher.
Three kids.
Tennis every afternoon.
How did she do it? Well, in Walker’s words, “it probably helped that she didn’t have to rush home to prep dinner.” The family ate fast food most nights.
Chinese food, Italian, burgers – in their small town 70 miles south of St. Louis, there weren’t even that many options in the late 1970’s. It was a huge upgrade when a Taco Bell came to town and they could get Mexi-Melts.
Here’s what Walker said:
“I didn’t think much about my childhood dinner routine until about a year ago when I was out with fellow over-worked, over-stretched friends, and we were discussing the impossibility of finding time to exercise.
“I mentioned that my mom had played tennis nearly every afternoon after teaching when I was growing up. “How did she squeeze it in?” they asked.
“I explained it probably helped that she didn’t have to rush home to prep dinner. Brows furrowed in question. But the audible gasps didn’t come until I said, “And she never felt guilty about her choice! I never heard my mom say, ‘What’s wrong with me? I should cook more.’”
Oh man, I feel relaxed and frankly, delighted, whenever I hear that story.
Walker says that she’d like to think not cooking dinner was some fabulous form of 1970’s feminist protest, but ultimately, she thinks that her mom just didn’t like to cook. “She didn’t find it relaxing or rewarding to “have something in the oven.” Her own mother didn’t get satisfaction from making meals, and she didn’t encourage my mom, or any of us, to take it up.”
And, in fact: “Once she decided that she could be a good mom—the best mom, I’d venture—without being on stovetop duty every night, and that she and my dad were okay with the cost, the routine was set.”
Personally, I think of Mrs. Berry often. I love that she knew her priorities — fun exercise trumped cooking — and she freaking followed them.
…
So, today, I thought I’d share it with you:
In what area of your life could you be better (a better parent, employee, friend, spouse) — by letting yourself follow your truest priorities, and not feel guilty?
What about your life could you ask: What would Mrs. Berry do?
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. For some of you, there’s a big, ahem, holiday tomorrow. What do you think Mrs. Berry would do about that day?
p.p.s. Would you like to work with me 1:1 in the new year? Here's what one past client said about her experience:
“I feel like I'm a lighter, happier version of myself and a better partner, friend, and coworker than I was a year ago (my boyfriend outwardly agrees to anyone I say that to).”
Learn more here.
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A non-"woo woo", neuroscience-based perspective on intuition
One of the most deeply useful things that happened to me during my twenties was that I turned up the volume to my intuition.
I’m sure I had some connection to my intuition before — that sense of “inner rightness” or “gut knowing.” But it was working with a coach that helped me hear it more clearly (and, eventually, follow it more directly) — which paid huge dividends in my life.
And yet, I’ve struggled to discuss intuition in a way that doesn’t sound at least slightly sketchy. Most of the people I work with are smart professionals — they’re skeptical. Sometimes words like “intuition” sound a little too much like “let’s go sit in a yurt sauna and connect to our spirit ancestors.”
Recently, I found the most compelling description of intuition I’ve ever read, in Dr. Paul Napper and Dr. Anthony Rao’s The Power of Agency.
Napper and Rao point out that just because intuition isn’t a conscious brain process (like, say, making a pro-con list), doesn’t mean that it’s not using your brain. Far from it:
“Intuition makes rapid, beneath-the-surface mental connections. Intuition is when your mind weaves perceptions together from the millions of stored bits of your memories and experiences. It is capable of creating a new, holistic understanding of a situation, almost always well before you arrive at a decision through conscious, logical thought.”
This gives intuition a remarkable usefulness. If we had to wait for our logical, reasoning brain to understand a situation, it would take far longer — from minutes to, well…years (Have you ever taken that long to understand, on a logical level, what you knew in your gut far earlier?)
And yet, we’ve all also had experiences when our initial reaction led us astray.
This could be for many reasons, but one key problem, Napper and Rao argue, is that we’re confusing intuition and emotion.
Both intuition and emotion often manifest themselves in our bodies (e.g., we have a physical sensation associated with them – a throbbing in our belly, a tightening in our heart). Both seem to come to us in a direct, immediate way — not through the conscious reasoning centers of our brain. And of course, each one can affect the other: you might have an emotion based on an intuitive insight, or vice versa.
Napper and Rao point out some useful ways to tell the two apart:
“Volume” of the message. For most of us, emotions are “louder and more insistent,” versus intuitions, which “can be quieter, subtler.”
When they occur. Emotions often occur “as a direct response to something that just happened,” while we might feel an intuition when we are resting and quiet, without a lot of external stimulation. (Though, sometimes you do get an intuitive insight in response to something immediate, too.)
Clarity about the cause. It’s often easier to know what caused an emotion: “She said I was acting selfishly, and it infuriated me.” It can be harder to articulate exactly what causes an intuition: “I am pretty sure that guy is trying to swindle me, but I can’t exactly explain why.”
Where in the body we experience them. Some people may feel emotions vs. intuitions in different parts of their bodies. Napper and Rao say that many people feel intuitions in the stomach or lower heart area; that’s why they’re often called a “gut feeling.” By contrast, emotions are often experienced higher in the body, in the upper chest, throat, or even face — we say that we feel “choked up by sadness” or “flushed with embarrassment,” for example.
And yet, my favorite insight from Napper and Rao is this:
“Keep in mind, not everyone is highly intuitive by nature. For some, it will take practice.”
I couldn’t agree more. Our intuition (and for many of us, also our emotions, despite Napper and Rao’s points above!) can be hard to hear, and it can take some practice to build our capacities.
The good news is that just like driving a car or kicking a soccer ball, you can get more skillful. And the more you use these skills, the better you will be — the easier it will be to connect to your inner knowing, and the clearer you will be about what you hear.
And this feels like a moment to mention: Coaching can be very helpful for skillfulness with both emotions and intuition. Here’s a link to learn more about individual coaching, if it’s of interest.
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I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
It's okay to change your mind
Here’s a reminder:
“You always have the right to change your mind.”
Even if you’d done something a certain way in the past…
Even if you thought something different before…
You still have the right to change your mind.
Now.
Here.
Today.
(That quote is from the always-wise Oprah, in this generally delightful video)
I’m rooting for you.
Katie