Something that often gets neglected (or: why your in-person friendships matter)
Many of my clients come to me feeling some combination of: stressed, tired, anxious, or unfulfilled.
The solution to their problems is multi-step and personalized (that’s why they hire me!) — and it does involve expected life coach-y things, like “what are your values?” and “what is your vision for your life?”
But I want to share something else that I often ask about — something that’s often not on my client’s radars.
Here it is: How are your in-person friendships?
Many of us are busy — between our jobs, our partners, our families, and of course, the effects of the pandemic — we may not see in-person friends that regularly.
Plus, many of us have meaningful relationships from earlier in our lives (high school, college, or an early job), but they don’t live nearby. While old friends are important, I strongly believe that there’s a powerful form of connection that is only possible through regular, in-person connections. (More on that here.)
And I will tell you: inviting my clients to cultivate more in-person connections is often an astonishingly effective quick win for them.
I can’t tell you the number of clients who come to our sessions looking sunnier, happier, less stressed — and they didn’t have to find a new job or the meaning of life. They just took a walk with a friend that they’d like to know better.
…
Are you thinking that it might be useful for you to have more connected in-person friendships? Here’s the top suggestion I give to my clients:
Ideally, the goal should be to set up a regularly-occurring hangout.
To be clear: “Regularly occurring” doesn’t have to mean every week! Maybe it means every other month — you get to decide.
But the goal would be to have a regularly-occurring day, time, and activity decided in advance + on both of your schedules. Maybe it’s a walk every other week, or a brunch once a month. I had one client who had a “nails friend” who she got regular manicures with.
That way, you don’t have to remember to reach out each time to initiate your next hangout, and then go back-and-forth to pick an activity and time.
The result of this typically means that you’ll see them so much more — and that regular connection is the stuff that meaningful relationships are built on.
Are you feeling a little nervous about this whole idea? Here’s two common fears I hear:
I don’t have true friends where I live.
That’s okay! Is there anyone who you’d like to know better? Maybe there’s someone you liked from a previous job or someone you met at an event who seemed nice. It’s okay if you don’t know them well yet, or they aren’t an official “friend.” All friendships have to start somewhere!
Typically, people are incredibly flattered to be asked to hang out — many of them are lacking in in-person friendships, too. And if they aren’t, someone else will be!
What if they don’t want to hang out with me?
This is an incredibly common fear. Initiating can be scary for many people! (Me included!) But here are two things to keep in mind:
First, how would you feel, if the person you were thinking about invited you to hang out. Wouldn’t you feel flattered? Delighted? Isn’t it possible that the other person might feel the same way?
Second, it’s also true that the other person might not want to hang out. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything about your worthiness as a friend — it simply means that they aren’t interested in pursuing friendship right now (which could be for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with you). There will definitely be other people who would be thrilled to be asked out by you.
…
I’ve been thinking + working a lot on my in-person friendships over the past few years. Sometimes I think to myself: Is this something I should have figured out by now?
But I don’t think that’s true.
I think that figuring out how to make friends in adulthood is an art.
What could be done with such ease in high school, college, or even your early 20’s (which is, for many people, an extension of college) — can feel much more tricky in full-fledged adulthood. People are busy, committed to partners and/or families, have demanding jobs. Plus, culturally, friendship can be put at the bottom of the list of priorities.
Which is to say: don’t beat yourself up if it takes some effort and intention to cultivate in-person friendships that nourish you as an adult.
But also: if you’re not feeling as amazing as you’d like to in your life — give some attention to your in-person friendships.
I know it feels like your problem is something else.
But you’d be shocked at how much of a difference a regular in-person hangout can make.
I’m in your corner. You’ve got this.
Katie
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