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Screen-free weekends + 3 ideas for mindful tech use
Over the past several years, I’ve been working on being more intentional about technology in my personal life, and it’s been coming up with many of my 1:1 coaching clients. (Here’s why I think that is.)
I’m still not perfect, but I wanted to share a few things that have made a huge difference for me.
1. No screens after dinner.
For many years I’d cuddle up with my laptop after dinner — watching YouTube videos, or Googling how celebrities met their spouses. (Just me?)
But also: I was often tired, low-level anxious, or felt like there wasn’t enough time.
I wondered if there was a connection, so I started by making an intentional decision to read after dinner, instead of going on a screen. I love to read, but didn’t seem to read as many books as I used to.
I was shocked by how much better I felt — in the same two or three hours, it felt like so much more time, and I felt so much more rejuvenated. I ended up reading 40 books in the 12 months after I first implemented this practice. I also started getting tired and going to bed about an hour earlier — which led to me waking up earlier, without an alarm.
Most importantly: I felt so much calmer, less anxious, and like I had more time during my days. I never realized how much my screen usage was tiring me + zapping my ability to focus until I eliminated it.
2. No email on weekends.
I started implementing this about a year ago, and I adore it. Taking at least ~60 hours away from both personal and professional emails (from Friday afternoon to Monday morning) feels incredibly calming and rejuvenating.
3. I’m not a big texter or social media user.
After I had my twins about a year ago, I noticed that many new moms spend a lot of time on their phones. Lots of moms have really supportive text chains with other new moms, or consume a large amount of (encouraging! funny!) mom-related Instagram posts.
All of that can be awesome, but I found that I had a lot more energy and time… and frankly, happiness, when I minimized how much time I spent on my phone.
While I’ll sometimes check out a mom blog or Instagram feed, I try to get most of my support from catching up in person or on a phone call, and I read some books for parenting ideas.
More on my personal IG philosophy here.
4. Screen-free weekends
This is my newest intentional technology practice: staying off of screens for an entire weekend. I’ve been playing with it for the past two months and freaking love it.
I know that this practice might sound a little intense if you’ve never tried it. But also, every time I do it, I think: wow, this 2-day weekend feels like a 3-day weekend.
On screen-free weekends, the things that felt like chores (neatening up my office, batch cooking) seem to get done pretty effortlessly.
On screen-free weekends, I feel more present with my babies (who are now toddlers!) and my husband. I also feel more present with myself — more likely to just lie on my bed for twenty minutes and look out the window.
Plus, I tend to use the baby-responsibility-free time I do have to leave the house and do things in the outside world.
Though, I will also say that not every moment is full of joy and relaxation. I’ve noticed that I feel more, on screen-free weekends — I’m more likely to feel waves of boredom or anxiety or sadness. But it’s been so interesting to allow myself to ride the waves of emotions and body sensations — and to notice how they always, ultimately pass.
…
So, with all that in mind, I want to give a big caveat: I’m not a purist about any of these practices:
My husband and I watch ~90 minutes of TV each week, for example, and that usually happens after dinner. Maybe once a week, I send a few client emails at night, too.
On about 1/3 of weekends, I do check my email (especially my personal email), for one reason or another.
I definitely don’t make all weekends screen-free ones. Sometimes I just want to check out Anthropologie’s newest pant collection or watch the latest SNL videos.
Sometimes doing those tech-oriented actions serves me. And also, sometimes, it doesn’t — and I think that’s okay, too.
But I’m a big believer that sometimes acting in a way that isn’t on our own behalf is how we learn. Checking my email on the weekend, for example, is how I remember: oh yeah, I feel better when I give myself a break from this.
…
Intentional use of technology is, of course, not the only way to address many of the issues that we face in 2021 (anxiety, lack of time, not making progress on what matters most to us).
But I’ve found that they are a potent intervention for a remarkably wide spectrum of issues.
You don’t have to do what I do, of course. But would you like to be more intentional about technology?
Where might you begin?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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Tech with Intention: Four ideas for how I reduce my technology usage
Many of us have developed a pro-technology bias: if something can be done with technology, it should be done with technology.
Of course, technology often saves us time and effort. Using my maps app, for example, is a lot easier for me than old-fashioned paper maps.
But also, there are costs.
A big one for me? Once I use technology for one thing, I’m likely to stay on and do other things. If I open my calendar app to check my schedule, I’m tempted to check my email. And once I’ve checked my email, why not hop on social media for a few minutes?
As I’ve gotten more intentional about my technology usage, it’s become clear to me that just because you can solve a problem using technology, doesn’t mean that you should.
I wanted to share a couple of things I’ve done to implement this idea in my own life:
1. I use a paper calendar.
Like many people, I have many professional and personal events each day. So I check my calendar frequently, to stay on top of everything.
A few years ago, I realized that every time I opened my online calendar, I was tempted to do something else: check my email, check social media, and quickly “look up” something that didn’t actually have to be looked up right now. Sometimes the distraction was quick, sometimes it was much longer. Either way, it reduced my focus and took my energy.
I also realized that I sometimes avoided checking my calendar as often as I should because I didn’t want to deal with the onslaught of stimulation — including, embarrassingly, once missing a meeting because of it!
Switching to a paper calendar was a big improvement for me. I can check my calendar ten times a day — and often do — without getting sucked into anything else. Of course, it’s not a perfect solution; in some contexts, I will coordinate with others using electronic calendars. I just write down those meetings on my paper calendar, too, since that’s my master planner.
To be fair, many of us wouldn’t be able to do this at work — the flow of how our time gets planned necessitates an electronic calendar there. But many of us, at the very least, would be able to do it in our personal lives.
2. I took email off of my phone
When email was on my phone, I checked my email — unnecessarily — all the time. And, of course, it frequently led me to doing other things on my phone, too.
Taking email off of my phone radically reduced both of those problems. And, in the rare case that I actually do need to check an email, I can use my phone’s internet browser — which is enough of a bother that I rarely do it.
Of course, I not-infrequently need information from my email while I’m out of the house. In those situations, I write down the information or put it in my Notes app (I have a Mac and an iPhone, so Notes syncs between the two devices — a great example of technology making my life better in a way that has no downside — for me, at least).
3. I use an analog to-do list.
In a past Tech With Intention group, one participant shared: I was trying to find the perfect to-do list app when I realized that I might be better off just writing my to-do’s on paper!
I think that’s such a great insight. Sure, to-do list apps have all kinds of fancy features, but what are the downsides? We might spend too much time puttering with all of those fancy features. Or the process of checking our online to-do list results in us doing other, non-useful things online.
4. There’s not much of anything fun on my phone
There’s no email, no games — really, nothing fun to do. I added Instagram to my phone recently, after more than 1.5 years off the platform, because I’ve started sharing about life coaching and eating topics there. (Here’s my account!) But I view that as a professional tool, so I follow very few accounts + try to limit use to working hours.
My phone feels like a useful tool: I can use it for directions, to listen to podcasts, to check the weather for next Thursday, or to call my mom. And, truthfully, I like it that way. For me, just because my phone could be a pleasure-device, doesn’t mean that’s what works best for me.
…
For me, as I’ve gathered the data on myself, there’s a very clear correlation between less time spent in front of a screen and:
A calmer nervous system,
A mind that can focus, prioritize, and do deep work with more ease
A happier life (That sounds cheesy, but it really has been true for me!)
So these tradeoffs make sense for me. Maybe there is some ease to be gained from having email on my phone, for example, but having a calmer nervous system is more important to me.
…
I want to be clear: just because I have made decisions in this way, doesn’t mean you need to. Maybe having email on your phone, a to-do list app, or an electronic personal calendar is truly essential to your life — great!
But I hope, at least, that you might consider asking: is a given technological solution always the best one? What are the pros, and what are the cons?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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How to respond to a heated argument (and one reason they get there)
Why do seemingly simple conversations sometimes escalate?
I’ve been reading Difficult Conversations recently, and the authors point out something that stopped me in my tracks:
In fact, anytime a conversation feels difficult, it is in part precisely because it is about You, with a capital Y. Something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake for you.
It may be something simple. What does it say about you when you talk to your neighbors about their dog [who barks loudly]? It may be that growing up in a small town gave you a strong self-image as a friendly person and a good neighbor, so you are uncomfortable with the possibility that your neighbors might see you as aggressive or a troublemaker.
Asking for a raise? What if you get turned down? In fact, what if your boss gives you good reasons for turning you down? What will that do to your self-image as a competent and respected employee? Ostensibly the subject is money, but what’s really making you sweat is that your self-image is on the line.
(page 16, emphasis mine)
They call these kinds of conversations “Identity Conversations,” and argue that nearly any time a conversation feels more challenging than it “should” be, it’s because someone’s identity is at play.
Having a simple conversation with your partner about chores but suddenly things get more heated? One of you may feel like some essential quality about yourself — whether you’re a good person, a generous person, a smart person, or a conscientious person — is being questioned.
Simply noticing that you’re in an Identity Conversation is a powerful first step.
That way you can discuss the real issue. Perhaps your partner will reassure you that she wasn’t at all trying to say you’re not a hard worker, and you can go back to talking about taxes. Or, if she actually was trying to imply that you don’t work hard enough, then at least you can talk about that directly.
Superfans may notice that I originally shared this essay in the past. While I’m on maternity leave, I’m sharing some of the best posts from my archives — I hope you enjoy! :)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
One way to begin spending less time on technology
It was 8 pm. I’d just gotten home from a walk, and planned to shower and make dinner. But first, I reached for my phone.
What if you didn’t?
It was a small, kind voice inside of me that asked the question. It wasn’t mean or accusatory. But I also knew it was on to something.
Lately, I’d started to wonder if I used technology too much. Previously, I had always thought of myself as a “slightly below average” technology user — I don’t follow that many people on social media, I don’t text that much, I don’t get that many emails. And yet, I found myself checking my phone or my laptop:
When I’ve just gotten home, but was still in my car — before walking into the house.
Right after arriving at my home, before doing anything else. I’d set down my bags, and check my email or my phone.
When I entered my office, before starting work.
In the middle of working.
In the morning, right when I woke up.
Right before bed.
Of course, there were other times I used the internet, too. A big part of my work is on the internet — it’s how I meet with clients who don’t live nearby, and it’s how I’m sending this letter to you. But that didn’t particularly concern me.
There was something about that first type of internet usage that did feel important to look at, because it seemed like they fell into two categories:
Transitional moments. I’ve talked about transitional moments in the context of eating before, but transitions are often times when we have more feelings than we realize.
Say that we’ve just gotten home from work or seeing friends. We may carry within us some tiredness or even pent-up excitement from that past activity. Plus, traveling even short distances can be subtly draining, and then we are trying to focus on doing all the things we need to do when we get home.
The point here is not that transitions are the most tiring things in the world. Rather, it’s that we are often more tired or overwhelmed than we realize in these moments.Blow-off-steam moments. You know that feeling when you’ve been working for a couple of hours (or even just 20 minutes), and suddenly checking social media or your email or that blog you like sounds like a good idea? Or suddenly grabbing a snack sounds like a good idea? If we look deeper into these moments, we pretty quickly find something like I’m tired of working and I want less stress and more pleasure. So we use technology. Or food. Or something else.
It’s not that technology can’t be helpful to deal with the subtle tiredness of transitioning, or with blowing off steam. But it seemed like I was spending a lot of my day on technology — sometimes I would suddenly realize I’d been on Instagram for a half hour, for example, even though I just meant to do a “quick check.”
I also felt I had more trouble concentrating than I did when I was in high school. Back then, I didn’t have a smartphone and the computer in my bedroom could only do two things: word processing and solitaire. I felt like my life wasn’t that busy now, but I was getting less done than I’d like, and I felt easily distracted.
I started to wonder if technology was actually the best way to deal with these transitions or blowing off steam.
...
So in that curious moment, when I was hungry and sweaty and really wanted to “just quickly” check Instagram on my phone…I didn’t.
I lay on my bed instead.
I lay on my bed and did nothing. Just lay there. I noticed what it felt like, to have not picked up my phone. It felt pretty intense in my body at first, like I might jump out of my skin. Then it died down quite a lot.
As I lay there, I realized that I had been feeling subtly overwhelmed. My early evening had been busy, and somehow the act of going straight into a shower and making dinner had seemed like slightly too much to do. No wonder I wanted to blow off some steam in that transition.
As I continued to lie there, I noticed other things. I paid attention to the ebbing and flowing of body sensations. I reflected on some things that had been making me feel insecure lately and found some peace about them. I even had a couple of ideas about articles to write — which was surprising because I’d been low on writing ideas lately.
When I finally got up, I felt calmer and more grounded in my body. It wasn’t like everything was fixed — I still felt tired from the day, for example — but I was able to notice those feelings while also moving on to what needed to be done.
…
That night was a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been trying to not use technology, at least sometimes, when I can tell that I’m using it for a transition or to blow off steam.
It doesn’t always feel great at first, to be honest. That jumping-out-of-my-skin feeling is usually there. So sometimes I’ll lie on my bed or even on the floor and just notice my thoughts and feelings and body sensations. I’ll let them be a little more intense for a few moments, and then let them ebb away.
I’m just making small experiments so far, but they’ve been useful. Last night, when I was about to browse the internet after dinner, I stayed off screens and read for three hours instead. I was surprised at how refreshed I felt, and how much my stress level seemed to lower.
So that’s my offering for you this week: Is there something that you worry isn’t serving you? Can you experiment with, just once, not doing it? Intense feelings and body sensations might come up, at first. Can you sit with them, at least for a little while?
I’d love to know how it goes.
I originally shared this essay back in 2018. While I’m on maternity leave, I’m sharing some of the best posts from my archives — I hope you enjoy! :)
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
What a 17th century French mathematician has to teach us about digital distraction
Here’s something that I can’t get out of my mind recently:
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
— Blaise Pascal
Pascal’s quote is fundamentally about solitude and connecting with yourself. Living in the early-to-mid 1600s, he defined solitude as sitting quietly in a room alone. Which makes sense — at that time, there wasn’t much you could do except connect with yourself when you were in a room alone.
In 2019, by contrast, you can be in a room alone, and yet not be truly alone. If you’re reading the news or watching Netflix or scrolling social media, you can avoid any kind of connection with yourself.
This quote made me wonder: Sure, most of us in 2019 evade solitude by using technology. But is the desire to evade true solitude even more fundamental than that? Have we always avoided the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that can come up when we’re alone?
I get why we do it. And yet, solitude can be so helpful for shifting from being reactive to being intentional, processing feelings, doing focused work, and thinking big picture.
What do we gain when we avoid true solitude? And what do we lose?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
Unplugging from technology + Technology Overuse Syndrome (TOS) (Which I made up, but is also real)
I’d like to name a condition. It’s not a new condition, but I’m not sure that it has an official name and I think it needs one. I’m calling it Technology Overuse Syndrome (TOS), and here are the symptoms that I’ve noticed in myself:
Never feeling like you have enough time, or like you never quite get to things that matter to you
Feeling at least a little emotionally tired, much of the time
Feeling low-level anxiety, much of the time
Wondering if your brain isn’t as sharp, or your focus isn’t as good, as it used to be
Having trouble focusing on a single task without doing some technological “checking” (of the news, email, social media, etc.)
There’s quite a lot of research suggesting that the constant use of technology is making Gen-Z/iGen teenagers the most stressed-out, anxious, and depressed generation yet.
I’m not sure why it would have that effect on teens and not have at least some effect on adults, too. Sure, adults are more fully formed, but so many people I talk to experience low-level anxiety and tiredness much of the time. It’s true that there are many causes — our jobs ask a lot of us, we have kids, we’re busy — but I also think that many, if not most, of us are suffering from TOS without realizing it.
The treatment for TOS, in my experience, is getting more intentional about your technology usage.
Becoming “more intentional” doesn’t mean that you can’t use technology for pleasure. It doesn’t mean that you can’t use technology to numb out when you’ve had a tiring day or you just need a break.
It just means that you don’t accept, blindly, the way that technology tends to suck you in. It means you ask questions like, “Does this serve me?” and “What am I wanting this particular technology usage to give me?” and “Am I avoiding something?” It means that you, gently and gradually, adjust your technology usage so that you maximize the benefits while reducing the downsides.
On a personal level, I’ve been shocked by how much getting more intentional about my technology usage — not perfect, just more intentional — has improved my focus, given me more time, and, more importantly, reduced that low-level fatigue and anxiety.
I’ve also found it to be a remarkably useful intervention with my clients. Getting more intentional about technology gives them more time, emotional resilience and energy, and clarity about what they want and how to move forward — no matter what our coaching topic is. And, shockingly, there are very few downsides (the only one is that you may have to become aware of challenging feelings that were under the surface — but this is a pretty common side effect of coaching, more generally.)
So, this weekend, I wanted to say: Do you experience the symptoms of TOS? Are there any other symptoms that I haven’t identified? (If so, hit reply on this email and let me know! Or leave a comment!)
And, of course, if you’re experiencing the symptoms, what could be one, small step towards doing something about it? Here’s a couple of ideas:
Today, each time before you check your email or Instagram, write down: What am I hoping that this will do? (Entertain you? Numb you? Distract you from your stress or fatigue?)
Afterwards, write down: Did this do what I hoped it would do? Somehow writing it down draws your attention to it in a different day and forces you to be more honest about what’s serving you and what isn’t.
Just once today, when you’re about to check Facebook or your favorite news site…don’t. Lie on the floor or sit in a chair and look out the window or go outside for 90 seconds. Do you feel bored? Notice what feelings are in your body. Notice what you’re truly needing in this moment.
Or, if you’re in LA, join my 6-week Tech With Intention group! Starts Feb 6 :)
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
How disconnecting from social media has helped improve my friendships
At the beginning of the year, I was chatting with my lovely sister-in-law. She had stopped using social media, and what she told me about her experience landed in my gut:
I met up with some friends who I hadn’t seen in a while, and I realized that since I hadn’t been on social media, I didn’t know what they’d been up to. It was actually really nice — hearing what they’d been up to without having already heard about it on Instagram.
I realized that I don’t *want* to know what my friends are doing through social media. I want to hear it from them, directly.
Hearing about her experiences helped me name a subtle feeling that I hadn’t been able to previously put into words: I didn’t feel great when I saw friends’ posts on social media.
On one hand: Duh. There’s no shortage of research linking social media use to envy, loneliness and depression.
But on the other hand, I hadn’t really acknowledged to myself before the subtle ways in which social media was affecting how I felt about my relationships.
If I was being truly honest with myself, two things were true:
I didn’t love looking at posts by my old friends who lived far away. When we did catch up, I was so happy to hear that they were having fun. But somehow watching on social media emphasized a slight feeling of distance between us, and made me feel more disconnected from them.
I also didn’t love looking at posts from new friends, who I was just starting to get to know. Their social media presence, while always very nice, gave me a different experience of them than actually being with them directly. I wanted to get to know the real them, not their online personas.
Inspired by that conversation, I’ve mostly stayed off of social media, too, for the past eight-ish months.
The results? On a personal level, I’ve loved it. I haven’t noticed any reduction in the quality of my most important relationships. On the contrary — I really enjoy being able to hear what my friends are up to without having heard about it on social media first. I love forming connections with new friends, without being influenced by their online presence. That subtle sense of envy or eavesdropping has faded away.
And, of course, there’s the extra time!
So here’s my question for you: How might your experience of your personal relationships be different if you only heard from your friends directly, not through social media? What would you lose, and what would you gain?
…
I will also acknowledge that many of us use social media for professional reasons, and cannot simply stop using it. But I think that it’s possible to get at least some value from this idea, even if we can’t completely stay off social media for professional reasons (or simply if we don’t want to for personal reasons!). How could you customize this to your situation?
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
Two ways I use the internet less - without a full-scale digital detox
I’m very interested in how technology affects our well-being, and how we can use it more intentionally. I’ve written about this topic before (here and here), but here’s one phrase that’s been ping-ponging around my head recently:
Just because some is good, doesn’t mean that more is better.
It’s easy to read that phrase and think, Of course. Duh.
But are you actually applying it in your relationship with technology? Do you actually say to yourself, for example, “I’ve noticed that 30 minutes of this app/activity/device brings me significant benefit, but past that point, do the downsides outweigh the positives?”
To give you some ideas of how to begin that process, I wanted to share how I’ve been applying it to one part of my relationship with technology: Internet browsing.
Internet Browsing and Intentional Technology Usage
I’ll admit it: I love browsing the internet for pleasure. I use social media rarely at this point, but I still have blogs and websites that I love to read. Plus, occasionally watching SNL videos can be so fun! I think some amount of internet browsing is “good” for me because it brings me so much pleasure.
But I started noticing that because I enjoyed the internet so much, it was tempting to do it all the time. Oh, I just woke up? Why not look something up on the internet? Oh, I have a few hours after dinner? Why not spend all of it on the Internet?
I often felt like time would fly by – and like I never quite had enough of it. I also started wondering if the internet was actually giving me all the pleasure and relaxation that I thought it did.
So here are two things that I started to do, to implement “just because some is good, doesn’t mean that more is better” with my internet browsing:
1. Not using the Internet after dinner
I used to spend most of my after-dinner time on the Internet. I was tired from the day, there was nothing urgent to do, so why not? But I also noticed that I often felt emotionally tired at the end of my night, even after spending a significant amount of time online, which I thought helped me relax. I wondered whether the internet — even though it’s quite pleasurable — wasn’t letting me emotionally recover.
So I decided that I’d explore just not using the internet after dinner. Here are some of the interesting things I found:
I felt calmer. The very first night I did this experiment, I read a book for three hours after dinner, when I might otherwise have been browsing the internet. When I finished reading, I thought to myself, “Wow, I feel so much calmer than I’ve felt in a while.” I noticed that my body felt noticeably less stressed than before, and my breathing was slower. This has proved to be consistently true and is the main reason I’ve stuck with it.
I felt like I had more time. Somehow, my evenings have started to feel longer, even though they are often actually shorter, because…
I went to bed earlier. When I stayed off the internet after dinner, I kept finding myself getting tired earlier than I used to. It makes perfect sense — there’s no shortage of research on the negative effect of technology use on sleep. But it felt different when it actually happened to me.
I woke up earlier. It turns out that when you go to bed earlier, you tend to wake up earlier, too. I love mornings and had always wanted to get up earlier without sacrificing sleep, so this was a big perk for me.
I read many more books. The week that I’m writing this alone, I’ve started and finished two novels, and read some chunks of good nonfiction. This is an above-average week (the novels were both pretty fast reads), but I read a lot now.
2. Keeping a list of the things I’d like to “check” online
The internet makes it possible to get an answer to nearly any question, instantaneously. As a result, very tempting to look up the answer to any question, the moment we have it. It’s so satisfying to get an immediate answer! And it only takes a second!
But I started noticing that I was doing a lot of little “quick checks” throughout my day and wondered whether it was affecting my productivity and focus. Plus, even if the answer to my question could be professionally or personally useful, it was rarely true that I needed the answer to the question right then. I could usually wait at least a few hours for the answer.
So that’s what I started to do – I started keeping a list of “things to look up online” on a Post-it throughout my day. Then once a day, usually around 4 p.m., I look up as many of them as I please. I’ve definitely noticed that it helps me stay focused on the task at hand throughout the day, and it’s actually fun to be able to look up a bunch of things at once.
…
I like internet browsing — some of it is good for me. But using it whenever I had some leisure time wasn’t great for me, as it turned out. by not using the internet after dinner, I help myself have a calm and spacious, and more truly rejuvenating end to my day.
Similarly, I like being able to look up answers to my questions on the internet — some of it is good for me. But batching it helps me make sure I’m focused on what matters, rather than getting micro-distracted throughout my day. I can still get the answers to any questions that matter — I just have to wait a bit.
I’ll also say that I don’t do either of these practices 100% of the time. I’m not perfect, by any means. The good news is that I don’t have to do them 100% of the time, to experience real benefit.
How could you implement “just because some is good, doesn’t mean that more is better” in an actionable, concrete way in your life?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
A few ways that I reduced my screen time
It was 8 pm. I’d just gotten home from a walk and planned to shower and make dinner. But first, I reached for my phone.
What if you didn’t?
It was a small, kind voice inside of me that asked the question. It wasn’t mean or accusatory. But I also knew it was on to something.
Lately, I’d started to wonder if I used technology too much. Previously, I had always thought of myself as a “slightly below average” technology user — I don’t follow that many people on social media, I don’t text that much, I don’t get that many emails. And yet, I found myself checking my phone or my laptop:
When I’ve just gotten home, but was still in my car — before walking into the house.
Right after arriving in my home, before doing anything else. I’d set down my bags, and check my email or my phone.
When I entered my office, before starting work.
In the middle of working.
In the morning, right when I woke up.
Right before bed.
Of course, there were other times I used the internet, too. A big part of my work is on the internet — it’s how I meet with clients who don’t live nearby, and it’s how I’m sending this letter to you. But that didn’t particularly concern me.
There was something about that first type of internet usage that did feel important to look at because it seemed like they fell into two categories:
Transitional moments. I’ve talked about transitional moments in the context of eating before, but transitions are often times when we have more feelings than we realize. Say that we’ve just gotten home from work or seeing friends. We may carry within us some tiredness or even pent-up excitement from that past activity. Plus, traveling even short distances can be subtly draining, and then we are trying to focus on doing all the things we need to do when we get home. The point here is not that transitions are the most tiring things in the world. Rather, it’s that we are often more tired or overwhelmed than we realize in these moments.
Blow-off-steam moments. You know that feeling when you’ve been working for a couple of hours (or even just 20 minutes), and suddenly checking social media or your email or that blog you like sounds like a good idea? Or suddenly grabbing a snack sounds like a good idea? If we look deeper into these moments, we pretty quickly find something like I’m tired of working and I want less stress and more pleasure. So we use technology. Or food. Or something else.
It’s not that technology can’t be helpful to deal with the subtle tiredness of transitioning or blowing off steam. But it seemed like I was spending a lot of my day on technology — sometimes I would suddenly realize I’d been on Instagram for a half hour, for example, even though I just meant to do a “quick check.”
I also felt I had more trouble concentrating than I did when I was in high school. Back then, I didn’t have a smartphone and the computer in my bedroom could only do two things: word processing and solitaire. I felt like my life wasn’t that busy now, but I was getting less done than I’d like, and I felt easily distracted.
I started to wonder if technology was actually the best way to deal with these transitions or blowing off steam.
...
So in that curious moment, when I was hungry and sweaty and really wanted to “just quickly” check Instagram on my phone…I didn’t.
I lay on my bed instead.
I lay on my bed and did nothing. Just lay there. I noticed what it felt like, to have not picked up my phone. It felt pretty intense in my body at first, like I might jump out of my skin. Then it died down quite a lot.
As I lay there, I realized that I had been feeling subtly overwhelmed. My early evening had been busy, and somehow the act of going straight into a shower and making dinner had seemed like slightly too much to do. No wonder I wanted to blow off some steam in that transition.
As I continued to lie there, I noticed other things. I paid attention to the ebbing and flowing of body sensations. I reflected on some things that had been making me feel insecure lately, and found some peace about them. I even had a couple of ideas about articles to write — which was surprising because I’d been low on writing ideas lately.
When I finally got up, I felt calmer and more grounded in my body. It wasn’t like everything was fixed — I still felt tired from the day, for example — but I was able to notice those feelings while also moving on to what needed to be done.
…
That night was a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been trying to not use technology, at least sometimes, when I can tell that I’m using it for a transition or to blow off steam.
It doesn’t always feel great at first, to be honest. That jumping-out-of-my-skin feeling is usually there. So sometimes I’ll lie on my bed or even on the floor and just notice my thoughts and feelings and body sensations. I’ll let them be a little more intense for a few moments, and then let them ebb away.
I’m just making small experiments so far, but they’ve been useful. Last night, when I was about to browse the internet after dinner, I stayed off screens and read for three hours instead. I was surprised at how refreshed I felt, and how much my stress level seemed to lower.
So that’s my offering for you this week: Is there something that you worry isn’t serving you? Can you experiment with, just once, not doing it? Intense feelings and body sensations might come up, at first. Can you sit with them, at least for a little while?
I’d love to know how it goes.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie