"I have everything I want. Why am I not happy?"

Recently, several of my clients have been telling me that they — amazingly, wonderfully — have achieved something they used to dream of.  

They have the pool, the salary, the first-class seats they dreamed of as a young girl whose parents struggled financially.

They have the international social-impact job they dreamed of as a big-hearted twenty-something.

They have the baby, the relationship, the house, they dreamed of as a former version of themselves.

And yet.

And yet, it looks different from here.
It feels different from here.
Often, it doesn’t feel as absolutely incredible as they thought.  

There’s a lot I could say, to this current version of you. (Frankly, this is often the seed that kicks off entire 1:1 coaching engagements.)

But here, today, I just want to say: don’t be the prisoner of your past self’s dream.

Your past self didn’t want you to be stuck, tired, or unhappy. You past self could not have possibly known what the view would look like from here.

Give yourself permission to dream something new.

I’ll say it again: Give yourself permission to dream something new.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

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One way to tell if a choice is "right"

Here’s a reminder: Don’t forget that there are levels of “yes.”  

A “hell yes” is not the same as a “just-clearing-the-bar yes.”

There’s a “good-enough-for-this-year yes” and a “good-enough-for-today yes”

A “slight yes," a "moderate yes," and a "strong yes"

Different decisions require different levels of “yes.” Just because it’s a “yes” of some kind, doesn’t mean you should do it. Time and energy and money are all limited and sometimes you’ve gotta make hard trade-offs.

Lately, I’ve been talking to a lot of people about whether or not to get married to someone they’re dating. It’s been coming up with old friends, and also with people I've just met. Marriage is a complex, personal decision, but I found myself saying this over and over, and it seemed to resonate just about every time. I think it applies to other decisions, too — what job to take, where to live, and whether get ice cream or buy those sequined shoes.

So, in case it is helpful: Don’t forget that there are levels of “yes.” Just because it’s a “yes,” doesn’t mean you should do it.

You’ve got this.

Katie

Ever have a vague sense that something is "off"? Don't ignore it

Sometimes what’s wrong feels nebulous:

• It’s a subtle feeling of “not-rightness” that we only get in moments when we don’t have a lot to do.

• It’s a nagging feeling in our belly that we need to make a change.

• It's like we can only “see” what’s wrong out of the corner of our eye. And it's blurry.
  

Even more confusingly, we might feel fine a lot of the time! We go to work, spend time with our friends, our partners, go to the gym, and enjoy delicious meals. A lot of our lives are great!

And yet, we can’t shake the feeling: Something isn’t right. Something is “off.”

Here’s my suggestion: don’t ignore that feeling.

That feeling is important. It’s even life-affirming, even though it might also feel vague and confusing. But precisely because it's vague and confusing, and because there are concrete things that we've gotta get done in the here and now — laundry to do, reports to write, friends to see — we have a tendency to push it aside. I'll deal with it later, we think.

And then we never actually deal with it later.

Here’s what I know for sure about this nebulous feeling of not-rightness: you have to stay in the question.

“Staying in the question” means not ignoring it. In fact, "staying in the question" means revisiting this feeling that something's off and asking, What’s wrong? and What needs my attention? and What am I resisting?

Feelings like this respond well to patient curiosity, but it may take some time. (And, of course, support can be quite helpful.)

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Read this if you're struggling to make a decision

Here’s a hard but important truth: Sometimes you have to choose.

Sometimes you have to choose between having time to rest and recharge vs. doing something exciting and fun.

Between pursuing thinness vs. pursuing sanity around food. 

Between pursuing a career you love vs. a career that will make your life feel balanced.

Is it possible to have both? Maybe! Eventually! In some form!

But here in the present moment, we usually have to prioritize. We need to know what we’ll choose when push comes to shove. Even if it feels like both things are extremely important, there’s usually one thing that takes precedence, even subconsciously.

But why let it be subconscious? Life is easier if you make your prioritization explicit. That way, you don’t have to be jealous of other people who are thin or have a high-earning career, for example, if you are choosing to prioritize sanity around food or a balanced work life. Every choice has trade-offs, and you can make peace with yours.

Prioritizing is an act of kindness. It is saying to yourself: I will accept the limitations of reality.

What are your dreams for your life? How can you prioritize them, for the week ahead?

How can you give yourself a break?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

“Can I trust myself?”

I was buying some fancy bread at Whole Foods, when the friendly cashier with two buns on the top of his head asked me what I did for a living.

I told him I was a life coach, and he perked up. “What’s the most common thing you tell your clients to do?” he asked me as he looked for the code for my sourdough boule.  

It took me a second, because I talk to my clients about so many things, and they all have such different styles and needs and goals. I started stammering something about how I don’t tell them what to do, at all (who wants to be told what to do?!)…but then it hit me:

I tell them to trust themselves, I told the nice cashier.

When I got home, I found myself wanting to tell the same thing to you, whether you are my client or whether we will ever meet:

I think you can trust yourself.

I really do.

And one more thing: If you think you can’t trust yourself, it’s probably because your internal life is complex. Sometimes inner complexity may mean we seem to be doing things that aren’t good for us — like eating or using the internet too much, or procrastinating — but often, if we dig deep enough, there are parts of us that have good intentions but are hurting us because we aren’t in touch with the whole story.

Another part of having a complex inner life can also mean that there are so many voices, we don’t know what to trust. That can make us feel overwhelmed or frustrated or stuck.

So I’m not saying that learning to listen to and trust yourself might not require some work or deep self-examination.

But I am saying: I think your deepest, truest self is trustworthy.

And, of course, if you ever need help listening to your full story, or learning how to trust yourself again (it can be hard!), I’m here. I offer free calls with anyone who’s interested in coaching, so you can learn more about the coaching process, ask any questions you have, and see whether it seems like a good fit. Here’s how you can request a free call with me, if you’d like.