Featured in: Redfin's blog

Redfin recently featured some of my thoughts about downsizing on their blog, in an article called: Toss or Keep? How to Downsize Your Belongings and Simplify Your Life.

I actually love this topic — on a personal level, I’ve radically changed my relationship to keeping stuff, over the past decade. I used to be someone who had difficulty throwing away anything that still functioned, didn’t have holes in it, or might “one day” be useful. As a result, my apartments and dorm rooms always felt cluttered.

I changed my mindset towards stuff, and now my home is almost always neat. (It’s much easier to be neat when you don’t have too much stuff).

You can read the full piece here with ideas from lots of experts, or here’s just one tip from me:

I recommend that clients identify what it means about them, to get rid of something.

Often, we will feel that it means something bad about our identity if we get rid of an object. For example: Does it mean that they are a bad sister, if they get rid of the kitchen tool their brother got them as a gift?

And for the real juicy question, I would ask: How could getting rid of that kitchen tool make them a good sister? Perhaps they’d feel lighter, and show up more open-hearted to the relationship — or they’d pass it on to someone who could really enjoy it.

If your brain is in the right place, everything else is easy.

Interested in more on this topic of identity and how it can get triggered? Check out this past blog post, as well.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Why women in the 1850's cared about body image less than women today (Body Projects, Part 2)

Last week, I wrote about something that kind of blew my mind:

Our belief that our appearance is the best indication of our identity is relatively new from a historical perspective. People in, say, the 1850s, believed this much less

(Missed that essay? Read it here.)

Today, I want to share more about why this transition occurred, according to historian Joan Jacobs Brumberg and her book, The Body Project.

Brumberg argues that the transition to “body = identity” occurred — at least partially — because it was genuinely more difficult to be fixated on one’s body before the late 1800s.

I wanted to share four reasons about why this is, that felt particularly profound to me:

1. Mirrors

Mirrors only became a staple of the American middle-class home starting in the 1880s, with the widespread adoption of a bathroom sink with running water and a mirror above it. Before then, “a reflective mirror or ‘looking glass’ was the luxury of the rich.”

Can you imagine a life before having a mirror in your home?

You simply couldn’t see your face, or your body beyond your arms and legs, on a regular basis. Maybe you could get a wobbly reflection in a window or a lake, but you definitely couldn’t look + scrutinize.

One clear result of mirrors in the home? An increase in concerns about acne.

Brumberg points out that before the widespread placement of mirrors in homes, pimples were “primarily a tactile experience, at least for the girl who had them.” This makes sense to me — if you can’t see and obsess over every pore and color on your face, it’s hard to be as worried about the whole thing.

But once you could see and obsess over your face? This led to a huge growth in the market for facial creams, lotions, and soaps — and the popularity of bangs (to cover up forehead acne) as a fashion trend.

2. Scales

Scales were not widely available in the US until the 1920s. Prior to that, “drugstores or county fairs were the only place where young women could weigh themselves.”  

The Body Project has fabulous pictures of Victorian women — often quite full-figured Victorian women — grinning as they stood at a county fair next to a guess-your-weight booth and a scale.

Grinning! Next to a scale!

They weren’t terrified of their weight; there simply wasn’t an infrastructure for obsessive knowledge and comparison of weight yet.

I can’t tell you the number of people who have told me things like “I gained 3 pounds this week, I’m so upset.” What would it be like to live in an era when you couldn’t possibly know if you’d gained 3 pounds this week?

3.  Mass-Produced Clothing

It was only in the early 1900s that mass-produced clothing became widely worn. Previously, most clothing was homemade. For adolescent girls, this meant that their mothers typically “made and supervised” their clothing.

Brumberg writes: “So long as clothing was made at home, the dimensions of the garment could be adjusted to the particular body intended to wear it. But with store-bought clothes, the body had to fit instantaneously into standard sizes that were constructed from a pattern representing the norm.” (110).

How much have you obsessed about being one size higher or lower? How would it be different if your mother simply took your dimensions and made you a dress in the size that was right for you — a size that could not be compared to others, because there was no standard sizing?

4. “Cultural mirrors”

Not only could women increasingly see themselves more easily as the 1900s dawned — they could more easily see images of other, more ideal women.

From the photographs in women’s magazines to motion pictures — women were now seeing a lot more of perfect, idealized women, beyond simply the women in their families and community.

Think about it: how would your perception of your own body be different, if most of the women you saw were simply women in your own family and community? Women in your community, at that time, in particular, probably had similar genetics, ate similar foods, had similar lifestyles, and as a result…probably had a similar body type.

…

Imagine being an American middle-class teenage girl in, say, 1870:

• You don’t have regular access to a mirror, and you have no capacity to weigh yourself.

• Most of the women you see are women in your community who probably have similar bodies to yours.

• When you need a dress, your mother makes you one in your size — which can’t be compared to others’, because it is custom.
  

Instead of a body image, you have a felt experience of your body.

This is not to say that life was halcyon and perfect in these previous eras — the Victorian era was also the era of the corset, for example. And, of course, it is an analysis of America at this time — Brumberg doesn’t do a cross-cultural comparison, but many of the same points will likely hold.

But it is interesting to imagine: what was it like to live in a time when “body projects” were both discouraged and genuinely harder to implement? 


As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

---

Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free! :)

Let's talk about historical beauty standards (Body Projects, Part 1)

Let’s talk about “body projects.” 

You know, projects like “lose 10 pounds,” “finally fit into those jeans,“ “have better hair” or “improve my skin.”

The motivation behind a “body project” is that our body is representative of our identity.  

That idea feels so obvious in 2021 that it’s almost not worth saying. Of course, our bodies are intimately tied to our identities. It’s who we are — literally!  

And yet, Joan Jacobs Brumberg, a historian at Cornell University, argues in her book The Body Project that this emphasis is actually relatively new from a historical perspective.

This is not to say that adolescent girls had zero interest in appearance in, for example, the Victorian era. But, Brumberg argues, parents in that era “tried to limit their daughters’ interest in superficial things, such as hairdos, dresses, or the size of their waists, because character was considered more important by both parents and the community.”

These parents firmly believed, she argues, that “character was built on attention to self-control, service to others, and belief in God — not on attention to one’s own, highly individualistic body project.” (emphasis mine).

Of course, you could debate the merits of those particular values. But let’s compare self-improvement-oriented diary entries from adolescent girls from two different eras:

From 1892:

“Resolved, not to talk about myself or feelings. To think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others.”

Now here’s one from 1982:  

“I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can with the help of my budget and baby-sitting money. I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes and accessories.”

Read those two diary entries again.

Like, really read them.  

Here’s my summary:

1892: Work on being a person who lives true to my values.

1982: Work on being a person who has an attractive image.

As Brumberg puts it: “Like many adults in American society, girls today are concerned with the shape and appearance of their bodies as the primary expression of their individual identity.” (emphasis mine).

Really think about what Brumberg is saying:

Our bodies don’t have to be the primary expression of our individual identity.

Even though that might feel impossible in 2021 — it’s actually relatively recent, from a historical perspective.

In my next essay, I want to talk about some fascinating historical reasons why this shift occurred, but today, I just want you to let this really sink in:

How would your life be different, if you spent your free time resolving to “be dignified.”

Or “interest yourself more in others.”

Or even “to think before speaking.”

How would your life be different if the key to your identity was not your appearance, but how true you were to your values?

Did you like this essay? Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free! :)

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Hello from maternity leave!

I wanted to share that I’m officially on maternity leave for the next several months. During this time, I’ll still be posting regularly here, but it will be some of my favorite essays from the last couple of years — the ones that readers have told me resonated with them the most. If you’d like to get my essays via twice-monthly emails, feel free to sign up here.

Once I catch my breath, I'm hoping to share at least a bit on Instagram, so you can join me there, if you'd like — I’d certainly love to see you.

Next week, we’ll be back to essays. But for now, please know that I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. And please root for me as I encounter what may be the greatest challenge of my life — two infants!

We’ve got this :)

Katie

p.s. If you’re craving an encouraging essay this weekend, may I recommend this blast from the past? Particularly if you’ve got any kind of achy sadness or anxiousness.

p.p.s. The boys aren’t here quite yet! But fingers crossed they’ll be here soon :)

Are you frustrated with your eating?

In addition to my general coaching practice, I also do some work specifically for people who struggle or feel frustrated with their eating. I’ve been running small, virtual group classes called Dessert Clubs on that topic for four years now, and my next round starts in October. I only offer them twice a year, and if you’d like to learn more, you can do so here. Or, below is some more information:

Does this describe you? :

You’re a smart, capable, pretty-much-together person. Even if it’s not perfect, you’re generally happy with your career or your schoolwork or your relationships or friendships, or your parenting.

And then there’s your eating.

Your eating is this weird, complicated thing that sometimes feels…well, out-of-control.

Sometimes, when you’re alone in the house, or after everyone else goes to bed, you stand next to your kitchen cabinet and eat chips out of the bag, and it’s almost like your brain goes blank because then you eat way more than you intended to. You also really, really hope no one walks in on you right then.

Sometimes you eat three donuts from the break room at work while you’re finishing up a presentation. Even though you don’t even like donuts that much and you weren’t hungry and you promised yourself you wouldn’t do this.

It’s not like you don’t know how you “should” eat. You do! You know what’s healthy and what’s not, pretty much. You know what a “reasonable” quantity of chips or cookies or ice cream would be. You know what a healthy dinner or lunch or breakfast would be, too! And you do eat that way, a fair amount of the time.

And then there are those other times. When you don’t eat in a way that makes you feel good, and you don’t even know why.

…

I want to be really clear ­— I’m not saying that the problem with this type of eating is that it’s “unhealthy” or anyone who eats in this way is a bad person.

The problem is this:

You know that you’re eating in a way that doesn’t serve you, and you can’t seem to stop doing it.

The tragedy of all of this is that we are often genuinely hurting ourselves. Sometimes physically — we may make ourselves feel bloated or sick. But certainly emotionally, too — we might feel anxious or guilty, or worry about our eating all the time. Many of us will go on diets or eat less to try to “make up for” our indulgences, and it can sometimes feel like it takes an insane amount of brainpower and effort, and energy to deal with our eating and our weight.

If that feels like you — if you are exhausted and annoyed and tired with all of the ups and downs of your relationship with food — I want you to know this:

1. It’s not just you.

It’s not just you. It’s really not. This kind of eating is sadly common, across genders and age groups — though I find that it is particularly common with women because society’s strict messages about body size can set off a chain reaction that eventually results in many of us having unhappy relationships with food.

Even though most people don’t talk about it, many people feel alternately exhausted (with all the effort it takes to “manage” frustrated eating) and annoyed (because they, inevitably, over-eat, and want to kick themselves).

2. You don’t have to feel this way forever.

You really, really don’t. It is possible to have a relationship with food where you consistently eat in a way that supports your overall well-being — so yes, sometimes that means healthy or nourishing foods, but at other times that means foods that give you pleasure or enjoyment, and in a quantity that also makes your body feel good.

But in order to stop, you have to understand why you do this.

In the past, when I would overeat and sometimes feel out of control, I would feel so guilty and promise myself that I wouldn’t do it again. But of course, I did do it again, because just resolving to “not do it again,” doesn’t do anything to address the deeper, underlying reasons why I did it in the first place.

Actually healing your relationship with food requires a deep examination of why you eat the way you do. It also requires taking action — to interact with food differently from the “just stop overeating!” way we’re used to doing it.

That is the core work of the Dessert Club — small group classes that I’ve been running for four years now (!!), and which start up again in a couple of weeks.

In the lead-up to the Dessert Club, my newsletter will have more essays about eating, the deeper meaning behind why we over-eat or sometimes feel out-of-control around food, and what you can do about it.

And, of course, if you really want to do something about it, I’d urge you to consider joining a Dessert Club. I only offer these groups twice a year! Here’s what one past participant said:

"I used to wake up and plan each meal that I would eat, how many calories I could eat, the times I was allowed to eat, etc. Of course, I used to break these rules all the time because I would feel hungry and then feel angry with myself.

But ever since I learned about intuitive eating from you I've stopped overeating and the stomachaches have stopped! I feel so happy every day waking up knowing that I can eat whenever and whatever I want as long as I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full. No gimmicks, dieting, restrictions, guilt -- it's wonderful to feel free.

Thank you, thank you SO much, Katie, for leading such wonderful sessions! You truly changed my life and helped me out of a cycle I thought I'd be stuck in forever. I'll certainly recommend the Dessert Club to anyone I know who is struggling with food. Thank you!"

Here’s information on the upcoming groups:

Tuesdays, starting October 8

4 pm PST/7 pm EST

Learn more

Wednesdays, starting October 9

7 pm PST/10 pm EST

Learn more

And no matter what path you take with all of this, please know that I’m rooting for you.

Katie

Read this if you're struggling to make a decision

Here’s a hard but important truth: Sometimes you have to choose.

Sometimes you have to choose between having time to rest and recharge vs. doing something exciting and fun.

Between pursuing thinness vs. pursuing sanity around food. 

Between pursuing a career you love vs. a career that will make your life feel balanced.

Is it possible to have both? Maybe! Eventually! In some form!

But here in the present moment, we usually have to prioritize. We need to know what we’ll choose when push comes to shove. Even if it feels like both things are extremely important, there’s usually one thing that takes precedence, even subconsciously.

But why let it be subconscious? Life is easier if you make your prioritization explicit. That way, you don’t have to be jealous of other people who are thin or have a high-earning career, for example, if you are choosing to prioritize sanity around food or a balanced work life. Every choice has trade-offs, and you can make peace with yours.

Prioritizing is an act of kindness. It is saying to yourself: I will accept the limitations of reality.

What are your dreams for your life? How can you prioritize them, for the week ahead?

How can you give yourself a break?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

They're here!!

It’s my honor to inform you that the next round of Dessert Clubs are officially open for enrollment. They’re not until 2019, so you have some time to think about it.

Does any of this sound familiar?

You pretty much "have it together" in your life, but you're frustrated with your eating.

Really frustrated.

You've been on diets and read articles and books about superfoods and fitness. Some things have worked, for a while. But eventually, the Paleo or Weight Watchers or counting every single freaking calorie stopped working or started making you crazy.

And worst of all was the overeating "episodes" -- those times when you stood next to the refrigerator and ate weird bites of tortilla chips and stale cookies and last night's leftovers. Even though you knew that you shouldn't.

Ever felt like you could never let your guard down around food? 

That’s where the Dessert Club comes in.

The Dessert Club is a small group class that explores why you feel out-of-control or frustrated around food, and what you can do about it. 

It takes place online over video conference, so you can join from anywhere in the world. And honestly, if it feels like a bunch of really cool, warm people, all gathered around a table, being honest and vulnerable and funny. 

You’ll hear more about the Dessert Club from me in the new year, but for now, I wanted to share something from a recent Dessert Club participant:

“If food is enough of an issue for you that you are considering joining the Dessert Club, definitely do it! There is so much to gain. 

I wasn't sure about joining because I have probably read every single book about dealing with food issues and have done extensive individual therapy as well. But the feeling of warmth and support that you get from a wonderful group of people who struggle with the same issues is just incomparable. And Katie’s presence is like that of a wise wonderful friend who always knows exactly what to say.”

— Gabi, New York (thanks, Gabi!) 

I’ve been running Dessert Club groups for more than three years, and it’s something that I’m very proud of. Curious? You can find more information here.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie