Blog
One thought that immediately reduced my anxiety
Lately, when I’ve been anxious or stressed, here’s something I’ve been saying to myself:
Is anything actually wrong, outside of the swirling thoughts in my head?
And then I will empirically and freshly answer the question, by looking around me.
Does that sound weird? Confusing? I’ll give a personal example: The last time I did this, a week ago, I was sitting in my living room, totally spun out and anxious about something.
And then:
I looked at the blue-grey Ikea couch I was sitting on.
That was fine.
I looked around my living room, over to my table.
Nothing wrong with that – my husband was nearby. My kids were asleep in their cribs. The house was quiet.
I wiggled my toes.
Nothing wrong there.
Arms and legs were fine, too.
Huh, I thought to myself. In this particular moment, on this particular Ikea couch, in my particular house… nothing is actually wrong.
Huh. Nothing is wrong right here and right now.
And just like that…anxiety went from a 10 to a 6.5.
Not gone, but definitely…quieter.
…
Of course, I am not the first person in the universe to have this revelation (see also: the Buddha). But remembering to ask the question, and empirically looking for the answer, have helped me to calm the swirling waves of emotion + worry quite a bit lately.
I wonder if this reminder might help you, too.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!
The most common thought error about making mistakes
Someone dear to me recently had a minor fender bender. She was pulling out of the supermarket parking lot…and ran into a car she didn’t see coming.
Luckily, everyone was fine, and insurance would cover the repairs.
But when I talked to her, she was still beating herself up.
“If I’d just looked more carefully,” She told me, “this whole thing wouldn’t have happened. I should have been more careful.”
It should be said: this person is very careful. She’s the one who double checks her flights, and always brings a sweater in case it gets cold.
And also: it is true that the immediate cause of the accident was that she didn’t look carefully enough, on that particular day. She was the one who drove into the other car. It was her “fault.”
But, underneath, there was significant thought error:
Her brain thought that if she was careful enough, she’d never make mistakes.
“What if you assumed that some percentage of the time, you’ll mess up.” I told her. “No matter what, no matter how careful you are, how thoughtful — there is simply no way to avoid messing up some percentage of the time. Your brain isn’t a machine, and it will mis-fire sometimes. This happens to everyone, no matter how careful.”
“Sometimes these mistakes be small, and sometimes they will be significant,” I told her. “All that happened was that this was one of yours.”
Over the phone, I could hear her relief, and also her doubt.
Relief, because it felt good to not feel so guilty.
And doubt, because, well… was she allowed to think that?
I pointed out that I wasn’t saying she couldn’t be careful about her life. I was just suggesting that despite that care, she was still going to make mistakes.
Guaranteed.
…
So, this weekend, I just wanted to offer you the same thought to play with:
I will make mistakes — small and big — some percentage of the time. It is inevitable, and no amount of carefulness will allow me to avoid it.
Think of a recent time when you made a mistake. How does seeing it through this lens change your attitude towards it?
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. This essay is such a great example of something I do frequently with my clients: help them see the thought errors they are making (which can be very hard to see on our own) + helping them cultivate believable thoughts that serve them better.
I have one opening for a new client to start in July. If you’d like to work with me, learn more here.
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!
On constant stimulation, why you feel jumpy when you put down your phone, and a concept I invented
Today, I wanted to share about Stimulation Differentials.
“Stimulation Differentials” is a term I invented. They’re helpful for understanding why you might use technology or food in a way that doesn’t serve you — or why you’re a bit anxious… all the time.
Here’s the idea:
Going from a high-stimulation environment to a low-stimulation environment (e.g., going across a “stimulation differential”) can feel uncomfortable or agitating in our bodies, especially if we’re not accustomed to making this transition.
And in 2021, many of us are extremely unaccustomed to making this transition.
Let me say more:
Our bodies get revved up, to some degree, when we do something with more stimulation. So once we take that stimulation away, our bodies are still revved up.
Here are examples of when this can happen:
You’re checking Instagram on your phone (higher stimulation)…and you turn it off (lower stimulation).
You’ve been at work (higher stimulation — you had a lot to think about, and people to interface with), and you just got home (lower stimulation).
You go from exploring the supermarket (higher stimulation) to waiting in line to check out (lower stimulation — fewer things to explore, do, and think about).
If you’re not accustomed to the process of calming your nervous system, then suddenly noticing all of these stimulating body sensations can feel surprising and disorienting. You may feel uncomfortable, agitated, or jumpy — like you want to jump out of your skin.
Or maybe you never notice the Stimulation Differential at all — you just notice that you need to take out your phone and check something when you have a minute of time in between activities. You notice that you need to eat a cookie as soon as you come home from work every day.
In 2021, many of us almost never bridge the Stimulation Differential but rather keep ourselves chronically stimulated, because we are afraid of the slight discomfort of being more stimulated than our environment.
But this is a serious loss because those moments of emptiness and lower stimulation are when:
Our brains truly recover — so we can approach our next task with the maximum amount of focus and creativity.
We get intentional about our next action, rather than simply reactive.
We have insights about what we truly want in life.
We recover and find the spaciousness, grounded-ness, and calm that so many of us yearn for.
When my 1:1 coaching clients tell me that they’re chronically a little bit anxious or they don’t know what they want from life, one thing I often explore is whether they are allowing themselves to come down — to truly land in a lower-stimulation environment.
Or are they just keeping themselves stimulated all of the time?
If we’re constantly stimulated all of the time, how can we expect to feel calm, less anxious, or clearer on our lives?
…
I saved the best news for last:
Once you get accustomed to bridging the Stimulation Differential…it’s actually not so uncomfortable.
You just know that, for example, at the end of your workday you are a little revved up. So you need to let your body come down by — perhaps — reading a book for a half hour (rather than going on the internet, which would also be stimulating).
Which is to say: what’s hard about Stimulation Differentials actually is significantly reduced by practice.
So this week, I’ll ask: are you avoiding bridging your Stimulation Differentials? If so, how’s that working for you?
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!
Don't go to war with yourself
Here’s a Sunday reminder:
“Don’t go to war with yourself.”
This is from spiritual teacher Adyashanti and his book The Impact of Awakening. Instead of going to war with yourself, Adya advises that you “simply inquire into who you are.”
{This is me, breathing a sigh of relief.}
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie