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On making big life decisions + turning down a "yes"
Leaving a “no” isn’t actually that hard of a decision.
If the job, relationship, or city clearly isn’t right, it’s not so hard to break ties. You might not be able to make a change right away, but you know what’s true.
The hardest decision is to leave a “yes.”
A relationship might be “yes” — it might have a lot of love in it.
A job might be a “yes” — it might have people you like or a great industry.
A place might be a “yes.”
And yet.
And yet, for some things, a “yes” isn’t good enough.
For some things, you need to have a higher standard. “Hell yes,” perhaps.
Naming that a “yes” isn’t good enough doesn’t mean that you are impossible to please, that you’ll never be satisfied, or that you’re afraid of commitment.
(Any of those things could be true. But is it true about this?)
…
Here’s a personal story:
A few years ago, while taking a long walk around the Silverlake Reservoir, I listened to a friend tell me about a relationship he was in. His partner was smart, interesting, and kind. He really cared about her and was considering marriage.
The relationship was a “yes.”
And yet.
And yet, as he spoke, it was clear that the relationship wasn’t a “hell yes.”
I told my friend that a “yes” might not be good enough for the decision about whether to get married. I told him that, from experience, I knew a “hell yes” could exist.
Shockingly, he took my advice — and ended the relationship. Within a few months, he started dating his “hell yes” partner.
Now, they are planning their wedding for September.
I will be officiating.
…
I’ll repeat: the hardest decision isn’t leaving a “no.”
The hardest decision is leaving a “yes” because some deep part of you thinks that a “hell yes” might be out there for you.
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
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Nervous about hiring a life coach? Here's what you can expect
First things first! I’ll have 3 spots for new 1:1 life coaching clients in June! After that, I won’t have any openings until the fall. If you’d like to be next in line, you can join my waitlist here.
I’m curious: did reading that make you feel intrigued? Like: Maybe life coaching could be really helpful.
But did it also make you feel fearful? I bet it wouldn’t actually work. Or: It’s too expensive.
Today, I wanted to share the fears I have when hiring a coach — which just so happen to be the most common fears I hear from potential clients.
I hope they’re helpful to you, too.
…
Some common fears about hiring a life coach:
1. The coach will force me to do something I don’t want to do.
It’s scary to think about paying a lot of money for a coach, and then have that coach misunderstand us. Or try to force us to do something that doesn’t feel truly right for us.
I think it’s important to know: my job as a coach is to understand you as deeply as I can, and then to show you your own mind — so you can understand your reasons much more clearly, and make a decision that serves you best. We all have blind spots that are simply impossible to see on our own. And we all would benefit from being offered new ways or models for thinking about our current problems.
In other words: I don’t care what choice you make. You can leave your partner, or stay. You can leave your job, or stay. You can dye your hair blue, or leave it the same.
I just want to make sure that you know your reasons, and like your reasons.
2. I don’t have time or energy for coaching right now.
If you don’t have time or energy… you need coaching more than anyone.
Here’s why: most of us are contributing, in a significant way, to our lack of time and energy.
Of course, this isn’t to say that life circumstances don’t also contribute. Of course, they do — you’re busy! You have kids! And a big job!
But I will say it again: most of us are contributing, in a significant way, to our lack of time and energy.
I think that’s actually great news. Because if we’re contributing, then we can help ourselves get more time and energy. I help clients with this nearly every day of the week.
3. I’m worried that this coach isn’t absolutely perfect for me.
Fit absolutely matters, and it’s worth your time to research the coach you’re considering working with — do you like what she writes about in her blog or on social media? When you have a consultation together, do you resonate with what she says?
But also: your coach doesn’t have to feel like your soulmate to get you transformational results.
I don’t say that to be harsh; I say it because I have to remind myself of it, too.
Plus, you’re not going to know her as deeply, in your first interactions, as you will by the end of the coaching engagement. My affection for my coaches always grows over time.
4. It’s too expensive.
Good coaches are expensive. It’s true. I’m expensive, too.
And yet: the outcomes of coaching are, in my opinion, the most valuable outcomes that you could possibly achieve. Is there anything more valuable than feeling genuinely happier, more fulfilled, calmer, more successful in the work you want to do, and more connected to the people in your life?
And this is to say nothing of the genuine dollars-and-cents-in-the-bank-account outcomes that I frequently help clients achieve (which are often significantly in excess of coaching fees): promotions, raises, books written, fellowships earned, gigs booked.
Then there are the clients who avoid burning themselves out and then quitting their jobs to live in a van by the sea for a year. That’s significantly more expensive than my coaching fees. (Plenty of my clients choose to take time off, but it’s because they want to, not because they have to.)
My goal is always that my clients think that the money they spent on me was the best money they’ve ever spent.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. one last thing: sometimes, there’s a bit of a jumping-off-the-diving-board feeling to hiring a coach. I’ve felt this every time I’ve hired a coach. And I’m a coach myself!
I think that making a big investment may always feel like jumping-off-a-diving-board to me, and that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.
So I’ll offer one last time:
If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, you can learn more here.
I have just a few spots available in June, and several more in October — and I fill the spots on a first-come, first-served basis, starting with folks at the top of my waitlist. If you’d like to work with me this year, I’d recommend getting on the waitlist ASAP.
Here’s the link to learn more or join the waitlist.
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The millennial "solution" to overwhelm + burnout, and why doesn't work
A millennial walks into a Zoom call with me…
“I’m totally burnt out, she tells me. “I work way too many hours, there’s way too much stress at my job.”
“I’ve got a plan, though,” she says.
I perk up. I love a good plan. What will it be?
“I’m going to keep working for six more months. Then I’ll quit my job, buy an Airstream, and live by the ocean for a year.”
Oh.
Interesting.
Let’s play this common “plan” out to its logical conclusion:
This millennial keeps working through exhaustion and overwhelm, until she is completely, 100% burnt out. Luckily, she has saved up enough money to take a year off, but she spends at least 4 months of it just recovering from burnout.
She does enjoy the next 4 months. She lives in an Airstream by the ocean, after all! Or she backpacks around New Zealand! That’s pretty fun!
But in the last 4 months, she starts looking for a job again, and realizes…
… the best jobs available to her will be in her former industry.
So she takes a job. This job is similar to her previous one: decently interesting, has good people, but has very demanding work. Since she never actually learned how to set boundaries and accept tradeoffs… she will quickly be on the road to burnout yet again.
I hope she can save up money quickly for another year in a van by the sea.
…
I can’t tell you how many millennials I’ve heard tell me this plan. And how many more I’ve watched live this plan, in their Instagram-facing lives.
I call this the “I’ll avoid setting boundaries or making changes, totally burn myself out, and then live in a van by the sea for the year” plan.
Or “The Millennial Solution to Overwhelm,” for short.
To be clear: I’m not opposed to living in a van by the sea for a year. Or backpacking around New Zealand. That actually sounds pretty fun!
I just think that it would be far more fun to quit your job having figured out how to do a good job at your job without burning yourself out.
Then, you could start your year in a van by the sea feeling really good and happy (as opposed to spending months recovering from burnout). And then you wouldn’t be afraid of taking another job again, because you’d be confident that you had the skills to add significant value at work, while also feeling cared-for and happy in your life.
…
And of course — not every job is right for you! I’ve left jobs simply because I didn’t want to do them anymore.
But if you like many elements of your job (the people, the work, the industry), except that you’re stressed, exhausted, and don’t have any time… that’s when I think you need to look deeper.
Looking deeper requires a few things:
Making tough tradeoffs.
The #1 tradeoff? Accepting that others may not think you’re the “perfect” employee if you don’t give them exactly what they want when they want it.
The ironic thing, of course, is that when you stop trying to be “perfect” and please them all the time, you’ll have more energy, time, and focus. With that energy, time, and focus, you might actually add far more value to your team.Being willing to try something new.
The first pushback I typically get is that it’s “not possible” to have more time or feel less stressed at your current job. Here’s the thing, though: I haven’t met a 1:1 life coaching client who I wasn’t able to help get those exact outcomes if it was something they wanted.
Of course, there are limitations in every role. But you would be extremely pleasantly surprised, at what is possible if you’re willing to ask tough questions + try new things.
In other words: Just try me.Being different.
I understand that everyone else in your job hustles all day has no free time… and seems to be okay with it.
But are you okay living like that?
Something I often say to my 1:1 life coaching clients is: Could you be an example of what’s possible?
If I knew someone at my exhausting, stressful job who actually seemed… happy, like she had time, and who also did good work, I would be desperate to know how she managed it.
Could it be good to be different? Could being different allow you to help others?
…
So here’s my suggestion: quitting your job to live in a van by the sea for a year sounds super fun.
But it will be even more fun if — first — you learn how to work a job in a way that works for you.
And if you’d like help figuring that out, I can’t recommend 1:1 life coaching enough. I will be opening just a few slots in June, and already have a waitlist. If you’d like to be next on the list when I do have openings, you can learn more + join the waitlist here.
As always, you’ve got this.
Katie
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Why I typically don't suggest "working harder" at your job (and what to do instead)
Here’s a maybe-radical idea:
At work, your job is to add value. Your job is not to work a specific number of hours.
Let me say it again:
At work, your job is to add value.
Your job is not to work a specific number of hours.
I’ll give the obvious caveats: I’m (mostly) talking about knowledge work. And yes, of course, there are exceptions.
But also, there’s a good chance you’re not the exception.
Your job may think that it wants a certain number of hours from you, for example, but what it really wants is the greatest amount of value from you.
Doesn’t that make logical sense? If the choice was more hours or more value, wouldn’t the obvious choice be more value?
…
Here’s the other important thing: most people will add the greatest amount of additional value by working smarter, not harder.
Working smarter involves using our brains more effectively when we are working, and then taking strategic breaks so that our brains can rest. Working smarter frequently involves working less than you do now.
Here’s a thought experiment:
Imagine that you’re a manager. Your direct report says: I want to add 25% more value, but I don’t want to tell you how I’m doing it.
Would you care how she was doing it (as long as it was ethical, of course)?
What if it turned out that she was adding 25% more value by working 25% fewer hours?
…
I frequently help my 1:1 life coaching clients do exactly that: add more value at work, often while working fewer hours.
My clients sometimes feel nervous, at first. Working fewer hours tends to also make your life nicer. There’s more time for exercising, having a calm lunch break, or spending time with family. Are they doing something wrong?
But I’m not telling them to be slackers, or lazy. I’m always focused on them being proud of their work and adding as much value as possible. It’s just that more hours don’t always mean more value.
Eventually, my clients realize this, too.
…
A series of steps may be required to actually implement working smarter, but the first key is this:
You have to shift your mindset away from “my job is to show up at work for 10 hours a day.”
Instead, you have to think: “My job is to add as much value as possible.”
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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If it's a good idea...
Here’s something to live by: If it’s a good idea, it’ll still be a good idea 10 minutes from now.
If it’s a good idea to check Instagram (or your email, or YouTube)…
If it’s a good idea to eat that cookie (or that apple)…
If it’s a good idea to send that email …
…It’ll still be a good idea 10 minutes from now.
I’m sure we can all think of rare exceptions to this rule — times when if you don’t do it right-this-very-second, it will be a problem. If one of my babies is about to touch an electric socket, for example, I’m not going to wait 10 minutes before moving him away.
And yet, far too many of us have the opposite problem.
We do things that don’t serve us. We eat, use technology, and tell our loved ones or colleagues things… that would probably be better left un-done, un-said.
…
And if you want to get next-level on this, you could even say: If it’s a good idea, you will be able to lie on the floor for 10 minutes, and still want to do it afterwards.
(The idea behind this: lying on the floor tends to calm our nervous systems. So if you still want to eat a cookie/check your email/browse Instagram even after your nervous system is calm, it’s probably that you actually want the thing, and not that the thing is your way of numbing out from the discomfort of being a human.)
Might you be bold enough to…try it?
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
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On "gravitational pulls" + other people's value systems
Here’s a life-changing question for you:
Are you allowing yourself to get trapped in the gravitational pull of other people’s value systems?
You know, the values of:
Your colleagues
Your boss
Your college or graduate school classmates
Your mom
Your friends
We choose our jobs based on what our business school classmates think a “good” job is. We chose our lunch based on what our mom would think was “healthy” or “reasonable.” We choose our outfits, our hair, our weekend activities, our partners, and our friends, based on someone else’s value system.
Sometimes the value system doesn’t belong to anyone we could explicitly identify. It’s just “the world.” The world says that if I don’t do my job this way, I’m a bad person! The world says that if I ask for this I’m greedy!
But: do we agree with that assessment?
Does that assessment reflect our true values?
…
The alternative, of course, is to be crystal clear on your authentic values and priorities… and live according to them.
For many of us, this feels impossible. We have no freaking clue what our values are. Or the gravitational pull of others’ values feels truly impossible to escape. Their values feel like "the truth” about life.
To which I would say:
It’s 100% possible to know your values, like your values, and live according to them.
Yep. I mean it.
You may face roadblocks, but they can almost always be addressed.
Many of us fear that addressing these roadblocks will feel like pushing enormous boulders across football fields. The truth? Far more often it is actually incremental, small shifts inside our own brains. This is at the core of much of the work I do with my 1:1 life coaching clients if it’s ever of interest. So this weekend, about any choice — small or large — you might ask yourself:
Am I choosing this based on my own values, or someone else’s?
So this weekend, about any choice — small or large — you might ask yourself: am I choosing this based on my own values, or someone else’s?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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Craving a big, dramatic change in your life? Read this first
Today I want to talk about how humans change.
But first, I want to talk about medical change — you’ll see why soon. Let’s talk about Atul Gawande, a surgeon and writer.
Gawande shares in “The Heroism of Incremental Care” that while he was in medical school, he watched a resident cut open the abdomen of a patient with a ruptured spleen in “two, quick moves,” cutting through the patient’s tendon “as if it were wrapping paper.”
He was amazed. A surgeon could make a huge difference in someone’s life — the difference between life and death — with just a few Big, Dramatic Actions.
Gawande wanted to be able to do those Big, Dramatic Actions, too.
And yet, as he moved through his career, he realized that there are many, many medical problems that cannot be solved with Big, Dramatic Actions. These medical issues are also extremely serious, but “two, quick moves” won’t resolve them.
One great example is chronic headaches and migraines, which can last for decades, occur daily and be so debilitating that people can’t work, maintain relationships, or even make personal commitments.
The John Graham Headache Center, in Boston, has a reputation for being successful with difficult headache cases. Gawande spent time with Elizabeth Loder, the Center’s lead physician, as she met with a new patient. He watched as Loder listened to a patient’s history and did an examination.
Then, he says:
“We came to the moment I’d been waiting for, the moment when I would see what made the clinic so effective. Would Loder diagnose a condition that had never been suspected? Would she suggest a treatment I’d never heard of? Would she have some special microvascular procedure she could perform that others couldn’t?”
Gawande was waiting for the Big, Dramatic Action.
But disappointingly, he found, “the answer was no.”
“No” to all of it.
There was no flashy diagnosis, no innovative procedure, and no fancy treatment. In fact, Loder spent most of the first meeting managing expectations — telling the patient that the process would be slow and incremental, and if their work produced anything more than a fifty percent reduction in the number and severity of headaches, “they’d call that a victory.”
And yet, Loder is one of the best doctors in the country at this. “The Heroism of Incremental Care” includes more detail on the many people whose lives she has radically changed for the better.
She is extremely skillful, but her work is gradual, iterative, and incremental.
Despite the fact that we all love the flashy, dramatic, quick, “heroic” intervention, it is often the slow, iterative interventions — done by doctors such as headache specialists, but also as primary care physicians and family doctors and geriatricians — that can be the most impactful.
…
Gawande’s writing is about the medical field, but can you see how it might apply to human change, more generally?
I see this all the time with my 1:1 life coaching clients. People come to me because they want more traction toward satisfaction, fulfillment, or well-being in their lives. They often think that they need to take dramatic action and want my help in figuring out which dramatic action to take.
Should I quit my job and try to become a TV writer?
Should I get a divorce?
And, of course, sometimes people do need to take a “bigger” action. But far more often, our work goes like this:
I get to know you as deeply as I can. We talk about how you’re doing now, what you’re yearning for, and what you’ve tried in the past. What has worked? What hasn’t?
Then, I point something out — a blind spot, a new model, a way of thinking about something you’re struggling with, a new thing to try.
You make a small shift, and we reconnect. We discuss our learnings, adjust, and try something new — another new idea, new model, new practice.
And yes, there are weeks when everything suddenly seems to change — it’s fun and exciting! But they typically follow many previous weeks in which we laid the groundwork.
The end result is often quite astonishingly deep + impactful. Just this week, a client of three months told me: Katie, I had no idea how deep life coaching was going to be.
But — there are no “two, quick moves” that resolve everything. There’s no Big, Dramatic Action. It is incremental, gradual, and iterative.
In my experience, most human changes — even the things that look big and flashy from the outside — ultimately happen like this.
With that in mind, here’s my questions for you:
In what areas of your life are you dreaming of a big, dramatic, flashy change?
What could you do to make small, incremental, undramatic progress toward that goal?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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My three pieces of advice for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)
Last week, I shared that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
Put simply, HSPs are more sensitive to stimuli— both internal (feelings, thoughts) and external (noises, light, other people’s feelings). If you’d like a much more thorough discussion of the temperament, check out my essay from last week.
Learning more about the temperament helped me immensely — it helped me both manage challenges that arose from having it and also played to my strengths as an HSP. It turns out that many of my clients are actually also HSPs, and what I learned was often helpful for them, too.
So, today I wanted to share three pieces of advice I often give to Highly Sensitive People.
1. You may feel weird.
Being a Highly Sensitive Person means, definitionally, that most people are not like you. Dr. Aron’s research suggests that ~20% of the population are HSPs. That means, of course, that 80% of the population is not highly sensitive.
Have you ever felt “weird” because, for example, you felt sensitive to internal or external stimuli? Or because you seemed to get tired more easily than others? That would make sense — it’s likely that ~80% of the people around you simply don’t feel sensitive in this way.
Many HSPs grow up with painful internal stories about themselves. They beat themselves up for being “too sensitive.” Or they try to hide, ignore, or suppress that sensitivity. In the era of easily available food and technology, this is relatively easy to do.
But it’s important to name: there is nothing wrong with you.
Having Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) — the core trait of HSPs — is simply a personality trait or a temperament. It is neutral. It is not a disorder (there is something called “Sensory Processing Disorder;” but that’s different.)
But, I hope it brings you comfort to know: about 20% of people are like you! They are also Highly Sensitive! Though, many HSPs learn to survive in the world by hiding (or ignoring, as mentioned above) their sensitivity, so the full 20% can sometimes be hard to find.
But once you start looking for them, you can usually find them. If nothing else: you know me!
2. There are strengths associated with being an HSP!
I’m going to say it again: There are strengths associated with being an HSP!
I emphasize this because I think many HSPs — me included — spend most of our lives bemoaning their weaknesses. Even if you’d never heard of an “HSP” before you read this post, you were likely acutely aware of your “weaknesses” :
You seemed to get tired more easily than other people
You were emotionally more sensitive
You were more sensitive to stimuli like light or sound.
All of that can be frustrating to others — and ourselves. Why can’t I just have more energy? Why can’t I just stop being so sensitive?
And yet: there are huge strengths associated with being an HSP. In my personal life, here’s a few ways in which I think my sensitivity is a strength:
It makes me a better coach.
I pick up on extremely subtle input from my clients — a single word that they’ve chosen, or a subtle facial expression or body movement.
It allowed me to grow as a person.
I’ve experienced enormous personal growth in my adult life — and have changed so much about how I engage in relationships, work, my environments — and, of course, how I eat. I am capable of deeply investigating myself — pulling apart all kinds of subtle feelings, thoughts, and sensations.
It makes me a better partner and friend.
I can pick up on very subtle signals from my husband, or friends. Sometimes I have to put this information to the side + not inquire about it because it’s not my place to mention! But it often allows for deeper intimacy, communication, and trust.
It makes me a smarter person.
If you are processing information more deeply in your brain — a core trait of HSPs — you will likely understand it better, and be more capable of making new connections or insights. As I mentioned last week, Aron says that many researchers on giftedness say that there can be a strong correlation between intellectual giftedness and HSPs. I have plenty of insecurities (plenty!!), but not being smart isn’t one of them. And I do think that my sensitivity is linked to this.
I don’t share these strengths to brag. I share these strengths because, for years, I bemoaned the challenges that were associated with being an HSP (I get tired so easily! I am so freaking sensitive to myself! And the outside world!!).
And yet: this list includes some of the things I like best about myself and some of the things I am most proud of in the world. I don’t think I would be as good at what I do, or that my relationships would be as deep if I wasn’t an HSP.
So, I will say it again: being an HSP is simply a temperament. There are both strengths and challenges associated with the trait. BOTH.
3. HSPs may need to take themselves more seriously.
The research strongly suggests that as children, HSPs are more affected by their environment than non-HSPs.
In a negative environment (physically or emotionally unstable), HSPs do worse than non-HSPs on metrics from health to happiness to academic achievement. But, in a positive environment (physically and emotionally stable), they do better on all of those same metrics.
Did you catch that? In a positive environment, HSPs do better than non-HSPs.
In my own life, and in working with my 1:1 life coaching clients, I find this to also be extremely true for adults. In a very challenging environment (anything from long hours at work to a home situation that doesn’t work for them), HSPs can really struggle — perhaps more than non-HSPs would. This can be very frustrating and discouraging for them. (It was for me!)
But in a good environment, with the right support? HSPs freaking THRIVE.
I think this means that HSPs — once they are adults and have control over their environment, support, and opportunities — need to take themselves more seriously. Many of us have thoughts like, “oh, I should be able to handle this challenging situation,” or “I don’t need help; I should be able to figure it out on my own.”
But let’s review: HSPs are more negatively impacted by negative environments. And often do better when they are in a positive environment, with good support.
So yes, you could push through. You will survive. But: if something is in your control (a job, a place to live, or the decision to get support or not) — it’s worth asking: why are you making things harder on yourself?
And: Is choosing to make things harder really serving you?
…
Oh, and one more thing? And if you’re reading this essay, there’s a decent chance you’re an HSP.
Dr. Aron, a therapist herself, says that HSPs are 20% of the population, but 50% of all therapy clients. This is partially because — as I mentioned above — HSPs can be more sensitive to their environment and need more support. But also, HSPs tend to value depth, so they enjoy therapy and personal development.
I think that this also makes them more likely to read essays on topics about meaning + satisfaction :)
So I’ll remind you, one last time:
If you are highly sensitive, there’s nothing wrong with you.
It’s simply a personality temperament — and about 20% of the population has it.
There will be challenges associated with that temperament, and also unique strengths.
So the key question is: how will you play to your strengths, and manage your challenges?
As always, you’ve got this. I’m rooting for you.
Katie
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I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Are you?
One of my most powerful revelations of the last half-decade was that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
Have you heard of “Highly Sensitive People” before?
I hadn’t, until just a few years ago. But, learning about the trait was extremely helpful for me. As it turns out, a large percentage of my coaching clients are HSPs. Maybe you’re an HSP, too — or know someone who is.
Today I wanted to talk about what HSPs are + how to tell if you are one.
What’s a HSP?
A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who has Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS).
Put simply, Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) means that you are more sensitive to stimuli — both internal and external. It also means that you process those stimuli more deeply in your brain.
SPS was first defined as a personality trait, or a temperament, by psychologist Elaine Aron; here is a selection of published papers on the trait. About 20% of the population has SPS. It’s not a disorder — it’s simply a description of a normal temperament.
Aron summarizes the core characteristics of HSPs (or, “people with SPS”) with the acronym DOES:
D — Depth of Processing
HSPs process things more deeply than non-HSPs. Aron says that Depth of Processing is actually the underlying cause of the other characteristics of HSPs, such as being over-aroused or overstimulated more easily. Because HSPs are processing everything so deeply, they are also more sensitive to it.
However, Depth of Processing isn’t the most easily observed characteristic, since it mostly happens internally. The most easily observed characteristic is probably…
O — Over-aroused or Overstimulated more easily
HSPs can get more easily overstimulated by external stimulation — like noises, light, other people’s emotions or needs, temperature, texture, and more. They can also get more easily overwhelmed by their own internal experiences — like feelings, thoughts, or body sensations.
E — Emotional reactions tend to be stronger
This one can be tricky. Dr. Aron herself admits that she shied away from mentioning this characteristic for a long time because “she didn’t want HSPs to seem neurotic.”
But more recent research suggests that no one processes anything deeply in the brain unless an emotion is tied to that concept. Did you catch that? There is an inherent linkage between depth of processing and emotion. Feeling some level of emotions such as curiosity or fear, for example, helps us to focus.
So the fact that HSPs may feel things more deeply is probably linked to how they process concepts more deeply.
S — Subtle Stimuli
HSPs tend to be more aware of subtle stimuli. Of course, this will vary from person to person: My husband, a strong HSP, is very sensitive to even very quiet bass noises that I can barely hear (he feels them in his body). I’m not particularly sensitive to that, but I’m extremely sensitive to light. I very, very strongly prefer natural light, and hate lamps during the daytime with a passion; this sometimes drives him bananas.
But, of course, there are many sensitivities we share: we’re both very sensitive to subtle stimuli from other people — their emotions, reactions, etc. — and to our own feelings.
…
I think the “Over-aroused easily” and “Stronger emotional reactions” are often what we intuitively associate with HSPs. As a result, many of us, including HSPs themselves, may view being “highly sensitive” as something negative.
And yet, “Depth of Processing” is actually at the core of the trait. It is because HSPs are processing things so deeply that they are likely to get over-aroused or emotional. And that depth of processing can also be quite valuable: for example, Aron cites research by people who study giftedness, which suggests that most gifted people are probably also highly sensitive.
The most important thing to know is that SPS is a personality trait, or temperament, not a disorder. 20% of the human population has SPS. Research by Max Wolf, a German biologist, suggests that the trait appears in over 100 species of animals as well.
Let me say it again: being an HSP is normal.
HSPs will face some challenges that are specific to their trait, but they also have strengths that result from it. Next week, I’ll share three useful pieces of advice, if you're an HSP.
But for now, I’ll leave you with something fun: Dr. Elaine Aron, who first defined the trait, has a self-test on her website. Curious about whether you’re an HSP? You can take it here, if you like.
Let me know your results!
You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. Wonder how I know so much about HSPs? In addition to reading The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Aron’s book, I’ve also completed her training + test for practitioners (I’m listed on her website!) I love working with HSPs in my 1:1 life coaching practice.
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Why women in the 1850's cared about body image less than women today (Body Projects, Part 2)
Last week, I wrote about something that kind of blew my mind:
Our belief that our appearance is the best indication of our identity is relatively new from a historical perspective. People in, say, the 1850s, believed this much less
(Missed that essay? Read it here.)
Today, I want to share more about why this transition occurred, according to historian Joan Jacobs Brumberg and her book, The Body Project.
Brumberg argues that the transition to “body = identity” occurred — at least partially — because it was genuinely more difficult to be fixated on one’s body before the late 1800s.
I wanted to share four reasons about why this is, that felt particularly profound to me:
1. Mirrors
Mirrors only became a staple of the American middle-class home starting in the 1880s, with the widespread adoption of a bathroom sink with running water and a mirror above it. Before then, “a reflective mirror or ‘looking glass’ was the luxury of the rich.”
Can you imagine a life before having a mirror in your home?
You simply couldn’t see your face, or your body beyond your arms and legs, on a regular basis. Maybe you could get a wobbly reflection in a window or a lake, but you definitely couldn’t look + scrutinize.
One clear result of mirrors in the home? An increase in concerns about acne.
Brumberg points out that before the widespread placement of mirrors in homes, pimples were “primarily a tactile experience, at least for the girl who had them.” This makes sense to me — if you can’t see and obsess over every pore and color on your face, it’s hard to be as worried about the whole thing.
But once you could see and obsess over your face? This led to a huge growth in the market for facial creams, lotions, and soaps — and the popularity of bangs (to cover up forehead acne) as a fashion trend.
2. Scales
Scales were not widely available in the US until the 1920s. Prior to that, “drugstores or county fairs were the only place where young women could weigh themselves.”
The Body Project has fabulous pictures of Victorian women — often quite full-figured Victorian women — grinning as they stood at a county fair next to a guess-your-weight booth and a scale.
Grinning! Next to a scale!
They weren’t terrified of their weight; there simply wasn’t an infrastructure for obsessive knowledge and comparison of weight yet.
I can’t tell you the number of people who have told me things like “I gained 3 pounds this week, I’m so upset.” What would it be like to live in an era when you couldn’t possibly know if you’d gained 3 pounds this week?
3. Mass-Produced Clothing
It was only in the early 1900s that mass-produced clothing became widely worn. Previously, most clothing was homemade. For adolescent girls, this meant that their mothers typically “made and supervised” their clothing.
Brumberg writes: “So long as clothing was made at home, the dimensions of the garment could be adjusted to the particular body intended to wear it. But with store-bought clothes, the body had to fit instantaneously into standard sizes that were constructed from a pattern representing the norm.” (110).
How much have you obsessed about being one size higher or lower? How would it be different if your mother simply took your dimensions and made you a dress in the size that was right for you — a size that could not be compared to others, because there was no standard sizing?
4. “Cultural mirrors”
Not only could women increasingly see themselves more easily as the 1900s dawned — they could more easily see images of other, more ideal women.
From the photographs in women’s magazines to motion pictures — women were now seeing a lot more of perfect, idealized women, beyond simply the women in their families and community.
Think about it: how would your perception of your own body be different, if most of the women you saw were simply women in your own family and community? Women in your community, at that time, in particular, probably had similar genetics, ate similar foods, had similar lifestyles, and as a result…probably had a similar body type.
…
Imagine being an American middle-class teenage girl in, say, 1870:
You don’t have regular access to a mirror, and you have no capacity to weigh yourself.
Most of the women you see are women in your community who probably have similar bodies to yours.
When you need a dress, your mother makes you one in your size — which can’t be compared to others’, because it is custom.
Instead of a body image, you have a felt experience of your body.
This is not to say that life was halcyon and perfect in these previous eras — the Victorian era was also the era of the corset, for example. And, of course, it is an analysis of America at this time — Brumberg doesn’t do a cross-cultural comparison, but many of the same points will likely hold.
But it is interesting to imagine: what was it like to live in a time when “body projects” were both discouraged and genuinely harder to implement?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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Let's talk about historical beauty standards (Body Projects, Part 1)
Let’s talk about “body projects.”
You know, projects like “lose 10 pounds,” “finally fit into those jeans,“ “have better hair” or “improve my skin.”
The motivation behind a “body project” is that our body is representative of our identity.
That idea feels so obvious in 2021 that it’s almost not worth saying. Of course, our bodies are intimately tied to our identities. It’s who we are — literally!
And yet, Joan Jacobs Brumberg, a historian at Cornell University, argues in her book The Body Project that this emphasis is actually relatively new from a historical perspective.
This is not to say that adolescent girls had zero interest in appearance in, for example, the Victorian era. But, Brumberg argues, parents in that era “tried to limit their daughters’ interest in superficial things, such as hairdos, dresses, or the size of their waists, because character was considered more important by both parents and the community.”
These parents firmly believed, she argues, that “character was built on attention to self-control, service to others, and belief in God — not on attention to one’s own, highly individualistic body project.” (emphasis mine).
Of course, you could debate the merits of those particular values. But let’s compare self-improvement-oriented diary entries from adolescent girls from two different eras:
From 1892:
“Resolved, not to talk about myself or feelings. To think before speaking. To work seriously. To be self-restrained in conversations and actions. Not to let my thoughts wander. To be dignified. Interest myself more in others.”
Now here’s one from 1982:
“I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can with the help of my budget and baby-sitting money. I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes and accessories.”
Read those two diary entries again.
Like, really read them.
Here’s my summary:
1892: Work on being a person who lives true to my values.
1982: Work on being a person who has an attractive image.
As Brumberg puts it: “Like many adults in American society, girls today are concerned with the shape and appearance of their bodies as the primary expression of their individual identity.” (emphasis mine).
Really think about what Brumberg is saying:
Our bodies don’t have to be the primary expression of our individual identity.
Even though that might feel impossible in 2021 — it’s actually relatively recent, from a historical perspective.
In my next essay, I want to talk about some fascinating historical reasons why this shift occurred, but today, I just want you to let this really sink in:
How would your life be different, if you spent your free time resolving to “be dignified.”
Or “interest yourself more in others.”
Or even “to think before speaking.”
How would your life be different if the key to your identity was not your appearance, but how true you were to your values?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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On deep and meaningful connections + going first
Here’s something that took me forever to learn:
Sometimes you have to go first.
As in: If you’d like a relationship — or even just a conversation — that’s meaningful, one in which you feel seen and like you really connect to the other person… you may have to go first.
“Going first” means that you choose to be honest and even a little vulnerable about how you’re doing or what’s on your mind.
It means that when someone asks you “how’s your week been?” or “what’s on your mind lately?” you give a deeper answer — not just the surface-level, small-talk answer.
This isn’t to say that you should spill your guts on the table! But it is to say that you share something meaty, something authentic and that could lead to a deeper conversation, if the other person chooses to engage.
Here’s another way of saying it:
Have you ever had an interaction where, completely by surprise, you felt really connected to the other person?
Often that’s because the other person went first. They chose to take the conversation to a deeper place. It’s so fun when the other person does this. Now that we’re being open, it’s safe for me to be open, too! Whew!
But if we want to have connections that feel deeper, more authentic, and more intimate, we can’t always wait for the other person to take us there. We will sometimes have to go first.
…
Whenever I coach a group (like the Dessert Club Mastermind), my top priority is to “go first.” I’ll start each session by sharing how I’m doing, or what it was like for me to engage with the issues we’re discussing. I want to set the tone for authenticity, vulnerability, and depth for the group, so everyone else feels more comfortable “going there,” too. And I’m always amazed by how people really do “show up” emotionally, once I’ve set that tone.
(It’s also worth saying that sometimes, even if you go first, the other person won’t engage. That’s okay — again, you haven’t spilled your guts on the table, you’ve just given them an opening to depth by sharing something true about yourself or how you interpret the world.)
Here’s another way of saying “you have to go first”: Look for opportunities to go deep.
If you look for opportunities to go deep with other people — to be authentic and real — you’re more likely to find them.
You’ll both be glad you did.
You’ve got this.
Katie
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Struggle to make decisions or know what you want? The brain has limitations - and here's what to do instead
A lot of my clients come to me with a problem that they have trouble describing. They’ll say something like: “my life looks pretty decent on paper, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”
They’ve often put off getting support because, well, is this a real problem? Or are they just being whiny?
But eventually, they can’t ignore it. What was once a subtle feeling of “not-right-ness” has gotten stronger and stronger. They’ve started to feel anxious or sad or insecure — like they’re trapped, or going through the motions in their lives. They sometimes wonder if they should quit their jobs or break up with their partners — do I just need to make a big, dramatic change?
They’ve thought about the issue from all sides…
…And thought
…and thought
…and thought about it.
There are many different things that can be useful in these types of situations. A coach can typically see things about you that you may find it hard to see on your own — and make suggestions that are tailored to your particular blind spots, or opportunities for growth.
But there’s one thing that I often tell them, and I thought I might tell you, too:
The brain has serious limitations in helping to chart the course of your life.
I say this as someone who was, for many years, a proud, card-carrying member of the “brain-first” club. I graduated with high honors from an Ivy League university, and then I worked at the top management consultancy in the world, for goodness sake! I was very focused on brainpower.
And yet…
And yet, even then, I felt a bit…lost. My life looked pretty good on paper, but I sometimes felt like the professional decisions I was making were a bit…un-anchored. I could make a pro-con list that would say one decision was right, and then make a pro-con list that would point me in the exact opposite direction.
I wanted a life that felt right to me, not just looked right.
So I worked with a coach. One thing that my coach taught me was that the brain has a tendency to spin. The brain can make arguments for just about anything — which is precisely why I was having that pro-con list problem!
…
I had, over the course of my life, heard other phrases. Phrases like:
Trust your gut.
Listen to your heart.
My body wanted (or didn’t want) that.
I’m sure there were moments where I “went with my gut.” But, if I was being honest, phrases like that seemed a little too woo-woo for me. I had a smart brain — I needed to use it.
My coach pointed me in a different direction.
She didn’t suggest turning off my smart brain. She just pointed out that there were other skills — ways of connecting to my “truth” that felt slower, deeper, and more true. Ways of knowing where there wasn’t so much fluttering + doubt. It involved connecting more deeply to my body, figuring out how to calm my nervous system, and listening in a different way.
(And to geek out for a moment: as it turns out, these kinds of “knowing” actually do use the brain, just often not the Prefrontal Cortex where most of our conscious thinking occurs. More on that here.)
…
So I wanted to tell you, in case you need it today:
Your brain is fabulous. Thank goodness for that smart Prefrontal Cortex of yours!
But also: Your conscious brain has limitations for charting the course of your life. In fact, it causes you to spin more than you really need to.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
p.s. if you’d like to explore some different ways to chart the course of your life…may I recommend life coaching? It was very potent for me. If you’re ever interested in working with me 1:1, you can learn more about my approach here.
Or the archives of my blog are filled with lots of free ideas + advice. Check them out!
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Tech with Intention: Four ideas for how I reduce my technology usage
Many of us have developed a pro-technology bias: if something can be done with technology, it should be done with technology.
Of course, technology often saves us time and effort. Using my maps app, for example, is a lot easier for me than old-fashioned paper maps.
But also, there are costs.
A big one for me? Once I use technology for one thing, I’m likely to stay on and do other things. If I open my calendar app to check my schedule, I’m tempted to check my email. And once I’ve checked my email, why not hop on social media for a few minutes?
As I’ve gotten more intentional about my technology usage, it’s become clear to me that just because you can solve a problem using technology, doesn’t mean that you should.
I wanted to share a couple of things I’ve done to implement this idea in my own life:
1. I use a paper calendar.
Like many people, I have many professional and personal events each day. So I check my calendar frequently, to stay on top of everything.
A few years ago, I realized that every time I opened my online calendar, I was tempted to do something else: check my email, check social media, and quickly “look up” something that didn’t actually have to be looked up right now. Sometimes the distraction was quick, sometimes it was much longer. Either way, it reduced my focus and took my energy.
I also realized that I sometimes avoided checking my calendar as often as I should because I didn’t want to deal with the onslaught of stimulation — including, embarrassingly, once missing a meeting because of it!
Switching to a paper calendar was a big improvement for me. I can check my calendar ten times a day — and often do — without getting sucked into anything else. Of course, it’s not a perfect solution; in some contexts, I will coordinate with others using electronic calendars. I just write down those meetings on my paper calendar, too, since that’s my master planner.
To be fair, many of us wouldn’t be able to do this at work — the flow of how our time gets planned necessitates an electronic calendar there. But many of us, at the very least, would be able to do it in our personal lives.
2. I took email off of my phone
When email was on my phone, I checked my email — unnecessarily — all the time. And, of course, it frequently led me to doing other things on my phone, too.
Taking email off of my phone radically reduced both of those problems. And, in the rare case that I actually do need to check an email, I can use my phone’s internet browser — which is enough of a bother that I rarely do it.
Of course, I not-infrequently need information from my email while I’m out of the house. In those situations, I write down the information or put it in my Notes app (I have a Mac and an iPhone, so Notes syncs between the two devices — a great example of technology making my life better in a way that has no downside — for me, at least).
3. I use an analog to-do list.
In a past Tech With Intention group, one participant shared: I was trying to find the perfect to-do list app when I realized that I might be better off just writing my to-do’s on paper!
I think that’s such a great insight. Sure, to-do list apps have all kinds of fancy features, but what are the downsides? We might spend too much time puttering with all of those fancy features. Or the process of checking our online to-do list results in us doing other, non-useful things online.
4. There’s not much of anything fun on my phone
There’s no email, no games — really, nothing fun to do. I added Instagram to my phone recently, after more than 1.5 years off the platform, because I’ve started sharing about life coaching and eating topics there. (Here’s my account!) But I view that as a professional tool, so I follow very few accounts + try to limit use to working hours.
My phone feels like a useful tool: I can use it for directions, to listen to podcasts, to check the weather for next Thursday, or to call my mom. And, truthfully, I like it that way. For me, just because my phone could be a pleasure-device, doesn’t mean that’s what works best for me.
…
For me, as I’ve gathered the data on myself, there’s a very clear correlation between less time spent in front of a screen and:
A calmer nervous system,
A mind that can focus, prioritize, and do deep work with more ease
A happier life (That sounds cheesy, but it really has been true for me!)
So these tradeoffs make sense for me. Maybe there is some ease to be gained from having email on my phone, for example, but having a calmer nervous system is more important to me.
…
I want to be clear: just because I have made decisions in this way, doesn’t mean you need to. Maybe having email on your phone, a to-do list app, or an electronic personal calendar is truly essential to your life — great!
But I hope, at least, that you might consider asking: is a given technological solution always the best one? What are the pros, and what are the cons?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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How lying on the floor can calm our nervous system (and why I love doing it)
I’ve discovered a new, useful life technique, and I wanted to share it with you:
It’s called “lying on the floor.”
Haha, good joke, Katie, you might be thinking.
Except I’m serious. Lying on the floor has been extremely useful for me recently. Here are some times that I’ve done it:
After I walk in the house, after driving home from anywhere — the public library, the grocery store, going to a social event.
This was particularly pronounced in the pre-COVID era, when I, well… went more places. But even now: I’ve noticed that if I pay attention, I often have sensations and buzzing in my chest and belly in those moments — even if I’m coming from a place I liked, and even if I’m about to do something that I like at home!
After I finish up with a life coaching client, and am about to move on to the rest of my day.
That same feeling I described above — sensation and buzzing in my chest and belly — comes up here, too. Even if I had an awesome, fun, satisfying session with a client (which most of them are!) Even if I’m about to go do something else that I want to do!
After I finish up one piece of work, and before I move on to something else.
Can you guess how it feels in my body? Yep, there’s sensation and buzzing in my chest and belly.
After I finish up one personal activity on a weekend, and before I move on to the next one.
(I think you get the picture here.)
Lying on the floor grounds me — literally, of course, but it also grounds my nervous system — leaving me feeling calmer and clearer. My breathing slows down, my thinking gets less reactive and more intentional, and I tend to get up from the floor and make better choices — about my work, about my technology use, my eating… everything.
You might notice that nearly all the moments I listed are about transition moments. I’m transitioning from one thing to another (“being out” to “being home”, “seeing a client” to “the rest of my day,” etc.).
I’ve been writing for a while now about how transitions can bring up surprising feelings (here for transitions and technology, here for transitions and eating). I say “surprising” because, even after gathering a lot of data about my personal experiences and those of my clients, I’m still often surprised by the feelings or sensations that can come up! All that happened was that I walked in the door of my house! Why do I have such body sensations now?
…
And, if you’re new to me and my writing, you might be a little concerned when I write about having “feelings or sensations” in my body. You might be worrying: Is something wrong, Katie?
To be honest, typically nothing serious is wrong. If I’m paying attention, I’ll get some sensations in my body— or some slight agitation — many times a day. Sometimes it’s related to something in my life that has meaning or needs to be addressed. For example: I feel subtly anxious about my conversation with a certain person! Or I’m slightly nervous about getting that project done!
But often it just has to do with being a person who has a body — the sensations might just be telling me, for example, that I’m just a little bit tired after driving home — and it’s good to take 60 seconds to rest and focus on my breathing before moving on to the next thing.
Of course, there are some times when I’ll lie on the floor that aren’t transitions. When I’ve been writing for a while and am frustrated or tired, for example. You might find that this technique is useful as a break in the middle of a project.
…
And, to be clear, I’m typically only on the floor for somewhere between 90 seconds and a couple of minutes. It’s short!
Of course, maybe you’re not interested in being on the floor. Or maybe you’re at work and it would be extremely inappropriate! The purpose of this amazing life hack is to give some space and “cushion” into your life, but other locations would perform the same purpose:
You could sit in a chair and gaze out the window or even at a wall — this might be a more socially appropriate action to take at work or in public.
If you work in an office, even a "chair" in a quiet bathroom stall or abandoned conference room would work!
If you’re home, you could lie on a couch or a bed, instead of the floor.
More important than the exact method is the acknowledgment of what’s actually happening. It can be inconvenient to notice that, for example, we have some agitating body sensations coming up. But if we don’t acknowledge them, we may— often unconsciously — push them down using technology, eating, or something else.
The problem with using technology or eating in those moments, though, is that we may end up using them in ways that don’t serve us — wasting too much time checking our email or social media, for example, or eating more food than we need.
So why not explore lying on the floor? If you’re a “beginner” at this method, it can be nice to set a timer for 1-2 minutes to give you a bit of structure.
Why not make “…and then I lie on the floor” the default thing you do in transitions or as a “break”? Instead of, say, picking up your phone.
You’ve got this.
Katie
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My 3 favorite ways to maximize your brain power (backed by neuroscience)
My favorite read of 2020 was David Rock’s Your Brain at Work — which accomplishes the astonishingly useful task of making complex neuroscience findings practically applicable. In particular, he emphasizes something I didn’t know, and thought you might not know either:
Your prefrontal cortex is fussy.
Ever heard of the “prefrontal cortex”? It’s the brain region where all conscious thinking happens — analysis, planning, prioritizing, problem-solving, and more.
And yet, the prefrontal cortex is fussy. It can’t hold much information at once, it takes a lot of energy to run, and once you use that energy, the less energy you have for future thinking.
This blew my mind:
“Doing energy-hungry tasks with your [pre-frontal cortex], such as scheduling meetings, might exhaust you after just an hour. In comparison, a truck driver can drive all day and night, but his ability to keep going is limited only by his need for sleep. Driving a truck doesn’t require much use of your prefrontal cortex (unless you are a new driver, in a new truck, on a new route).”
Truck driving — for an experienced driver — is controlled by a brain region called the basal ganglia. The basal ganglia are used for routine activities, are energy-efficient, and have far better endurance than the pre-frontal cortex.
In contrast, Rock says, “Your best quality thinking lasts for a limited time. The answer is not always just to ‘try harder.’ “
Think of your mental capacity as a “limited resource,” like money. If you manage your brain like someone with a very, very limited budget manages their spending — saving it for what is most important, using it extremely carefully — you’ll be (paradoxically) far more productive.
Here are three simple, yet potent, ways Rock recommends to do so:
1. Don't hold ideas in your brain.
The more ideas you are “holding” in your brain — which just means keeping them top-of-mind — the less cognitive capacity you have to “compare,” or analyze, those ideas.
The extremely simple solution to this is to write things down. If you’re trying to think or problem-solve about four ideas (or even one idea!), write each one down on paper. Then, more of your cognitive resources can be devoted to the analysis or prioritization or problem-solving you want to do with those ideas.
And, if there’s something you’re trying to remember (like something you should buy at the grocery store tonight), write that down, too! It’s taking up valuable cognitive capacity that you could use for something else.
Most of us do this anyway, to some degree — but once you know the neuroscience behind it, I think you’re more likely to do it far more often.
2. Simplify concepts.
When you’re writing down ideas, it’s better to use as few words as possible. Seeing “work on presentation” creates far less mental activation than “Get edits from Liz about the presentation, and send to Hannah to revise before end-of-day.”
Another fun one? Even if written down in a simple way, your brain can’t effectively compare more than 3-4 concepts at a time. So don’t plan on looking at a list of 16 things — it will go better if you pick the top 3-4, and go from there.
3. Recognize prioritization for the energy-sucker that it is.
Rock says that “doing ten minutes of emailing can use up the power needed for prioritization.”
Is your jaw dropping, too?
Prioritization involves a bunch of things that are very energy-intensive for the brain. First, you have to imagine a bunch of abstract things that haven’t happened yet — it turns out that abstract, future-oriented thinking is extremely tiring to the brain. Then you have to compare those things, while also inhibiting other ideas (yet another brain process). Rock calls prioritization “one of the brain’s most energy-hungry processes.”
And once the brain is too tired to do something, Rock says, it will try to avoid doing it. Ever noticed how you seem to open up Instagram just when you’re about to do a cognitively challenging task?
So if you don’t prioritize thing in the day (or better yet, the night before), you may never actually do it.
…
Want a quick, brain-friendly summary?
Write things down
Use fewer words to describe an idea
Prioritize first
Which of these ideas is most surprising to you? Which would you try?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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An exercise to help you know what you need
Do you ever feel confused about what to do about a relationship, a next step, or a big (or small) decision in your life?
One of my favorite strategies for cutting through confusion is from Dr. Helene Brenner’s I Know I’m In There Somewhere. I thought it might be particularly useful to share now, because the new year is often a time when we want to make decisions and take action.
Dr. Brenner’s advice is to make a list of the things you do know.
Literally. That’s it.
Dr. Brenner suggests trying to complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as you can. This exercise sounds obvious, but I’ve been doing it recently and have found it to be shockingly (I mean it!) effective.
Here’s an example: Imagine that you hear in the middle of the afternoon that you didn’t get the promotion that you were expecting. You’re devastated and angry and have so many feelings and thoughts that it’s hard to know what to do. If you were doing this exercise, here’s where you might start:
I know…that I’m extremely disappointed.
I know…that I want to cry.
I know…that I feel ashamed to tell my partner I didn’t get the raise. I don’t want her to think that I’m not good at my job.
I know…that I’m angry because other people probably got promotions.
I know…that I feel inadequate.
Honestly, that might not seem that useful, at first. But, after fully noticing and writing down all of those things you know, you might know some other things:
I know…that I have so many feelings!
I know…that I want to take action, based on those feelings. I want to yell at someone, or quit my job because they obviously don’t appreciate me, or demand that my supervisor tell me what I did wrong!
Naming all of that, so specifically, might help you “know” some other things.
I know…that I need to deal with all of my emotions, first, before I take action. I’m not going to do anything productive in this headspace.
I know…that I can barely concentrate at my job right now.
I know…that I’m going to do the best I can for the last two hours of the day, but then go home as soon as possible and lick my wounds.
I know…that I need some comfort and support.
I know…that I’d like a hug from my partner.
I know…that I’d like a restful night.
I know…that I feel better knowing what I do know.
Of course, the situation isn’t fixed. This is only the beginning.
But the purpose of the exercise is to help you figure out what you know now, and what you don’t know yet. The person doing this exercise doesn’t yet know what they’ll do tomorrow or next week. That’s often true — often we can only know the next right step.
This exercise helped them figure out the next step that would be productive, and then they can try again tomorrow, to find the step after that.
Oh, and one more quick point about “knowing”: “I know I should” is not true knowing. I-know-I-should’s include: “I know I should leave him/get more organized/lose ten pounds.” Dr. Brenner points out: “No matter how accurate those statements may be, very rarely does change come from them, because you’re talking at yourself. You’re not coming from your inner experience — from what you truly know, sense, feel, or want.”
Did you catch that? If you actually want positive, helpful change to come from into your life, you need to lean into true knowing, not I-know-I-should’s.
…
So here’s an offering for your weekend: Pick an area where you feel stuck. Can you complete the phrase “I know…” as many times as possible? Challenge yourself to do it at least 20 times — what new insights or perspectives do you find?
If you’re in the mood to share, I’d love to hear how it goes for you!
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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On being your true self
Just quick reminder this week:
Trying to be someone you’re not is freaking exhausting.
As always, I’m here rooting for you.
Katie
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What makes a friendship deep + satisfying
In her book Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, friendship expert Shasta Nelson says that when she gives talks, she’ll often ask anyone who feels lonely in the audience to raise their hands.
No one raises their hand.
Then, Nelson does something different. “How many people wish they had more deep and meaningful friendships?” she asks.
This time, nearly every hand raises.
Nelson points out that we have a lot of icky associations with the word “lonely” — words like “depressed, sad, isolated, and bitter” often come to mind. Many people associate loneliness with “recluses” or “loners,” and most people aren’t recluses or loners!
And yet, Nelson argues, limiting the word “lonely” to people who are extremely, chronically lonely (or depressed), “is like using the word “hungry” to describe only those dying of starvation with no access to food.” Just because we’re not starving or malnourished doesn’t mean that we don’t regularly feel hunger and that we shouldn’t respond to that hunger.
Similarly, just because we don’t experience extreme loneliness, doesn’t mean we don’t experience loneliness, and it doesn’t mean that we don’t need to respond to it. As Nelson points out: “The reality is that many of us are far more disconnected from intimacy than we want to be.” This point feels particularly resonant in our current era of social distancing.
We can feel disconnected from intimacy, or lonely, even if we:
Spend large parts of our day or week with other people
Have a lot of friends or acquaintances that we could call — or that we do see frequently
Choose to not make plans or connect with friends as much as we might. We can be busy and tired and also lonely.
In other words, if you are wishing that you have more deep and meaningful relationships or connections, you are also lonely.
As I’ve been mulling over Nelson’s argument, I’ve been thinking about the power of the right word. Using accurate words, like “hunger” and “sleepiness,” helps us to get our needs met — in part because they allow us to speak precisely about our experience. We can be sleepy, just a little sleepy, extremely sleepy, etc. The same is true of loneliness.
…
And, of course, it’s worth asking: What is the opposite of loneliness?
Nelson would call that “frientimacy,” which she defines as “any relationship where two people feel really seen in a way that feels satisfying and safe for both of them.”
Did you catch that? “Frientimacy” is when people feel truly seen, in a way that feels satisfying and safe.
I love this definition because it really speaks to how we can be lonely, even if we know plenty of people, or spend plenty of time in groups.
Sure, there are people we could call, but do we feel really seen by them? In a way that feels satisfying and safe? And do we really see them in the same way? Here in America, we just had Thanksgiving — did you experience “frientimacy” at whatever gathering you attended?
If “lonely” and “frientimacy” are concise, accurate ways of describing opposite ends of the spectrum of intimacy and connection, it might be worth asking yourself this weekend:
Where do you fall on the spectrum? Do you feel seen in a way that feels satisfying and safe?
What do you want to do about it?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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A non-"woo woo", neuroscience-based perspective on intuition
One of the most deeply useful things that happened to me during my twenties was that I turned up the volume to my intuition.
I’m sure I had some connection to my intuition before — that sense of “inner rightness” or “gut knowing.” But it was working with a coach that helped me hear it more clearly (and, eventually, follow it more directly) — which paid huge dividends in my life.
And yet, I’ve struggled to discuss intuition in a way that doesn’t sound at least slightly sketchy. Most of the people I work with are smart professionals — they’re skeptical. Sometimes words like “intuition” sound a little too much like “let’s go sit in a yurt sauna and connect to our spirit ancestors.”
Recently, I found the most compelling description of intuition I’ve ever read, in Dr. Paul Napper and Dr. Anthony Rao’s The Power of Agency.
Napper and Rao point out that just because intuition isn’t a conscious brain process (like, say, making a pro-con list), doesn’t mean that it’s not using your brain. Far from it:
“Intuition makes rapid, beneath-the-surface mental connections. Intuition is when your mind weaves perceptions together from the millions of stored bits of your memories and experiences. It is capable of creating a new, holistic understanding of a situation, almost always well before you arrive at a decision through conscious, logical thought.”
This gives intuition a remarkable usefulness. If we had to wait for our logical, reasoning brain to understand a situation, it would take far longer — from minutes to, well…years (Have you ever taken that long to understand, on a logical level, what you knew in your gut far earlier?)
And yet, we’ve all also had experiences when our initial reaction led us astray.
This could be for many reasons, but one key problem, Napper and Rao argue, is that we’re confusing intuition and emotion.
Both intuition and emotion often manifest themselves in our bodies (e.g., we have a physical sensation associated with them – a throbbing in our belly, a tightening in our heart). Both seem to come to us in a direct, immediate way — not through the conscious reasoning centers of our brain. And of course, each one can affect the other: you might have an emotion based on an intuitive insight, or vice versa.
Napper and Rao point out some useful ways to tell the two apart:
“Volume” of the message. For most of us, emotions are “louder and more insistent,” versus intuitions, which “can be quieter, subtler.”
When they occur. Emotions often occur “as a direct response to something that just happened,” while we might feel an intuition when we are resting and quiet, without a lot of external stimulation. (Though, sometimes you do get an intuitive insight in response to something immediate, too.)
Clarity about the cause. It’s often easier to know what caused an emotion: “She said I was acting selfishly, and it infuriated me.” It can be harder to articulate exactly what causes an intuition: “I am pretty sure that guy is trying to swindle me, but I can’t exactly explain why.”
Where in the body we experience them. Some people may feel emotions vs. intuitions in different parts of their bodies. Napper and Rao say that many people feel intuitions in the stomach or lower heart area; that’s why they’re often called a “gut feeling.” By contrast, emotions are often experienced higher in the body, in the upper chest, throat, or even face — we say that we feel “choked up by sadness” or “flushed with embarrassment,” for example.
And yet, my favorite insight from Napper and Rao is this:
“Keep in mind, not everyone is highly intuitive by nature. For some, it will take practice.”
I couldn’t agree more. Our intuition (and for many of us, also our emotions, despite Napper and Rao’s points above!) can be hard to hear, and it can take some practice to build our capacities.
The good news is that just like driving a car or kicking a soccer ball, you can get more skillful. And the more you use these skills, the better you will be — the easier it will be to connect to your inner knowing, and the clearer you will be about what you hear.
And this feels like a moment to mention: Coaching can be very helpful for skillfulness with both emotions and intuition. Here’s a link to learn more about individual coaching, if it’s of interest.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
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